Lost
by KelliP
Summary: One night. One single night. That's all they had before the world ripped them apart. Post 4x23 Always.
1. Chapter 1

**Lost**

_One night. One single night. That's all they had before the world ripped them apart. Post Always. _

_Not even close to whatever direction the show will take, but it's something to fill the long break. One of many, I'm sure, because that episode was _amazing_. And I promise the rest will be longer. _

* * *

**1**

_One day later…_

He'd never imagined that he'd be sitting in this same waiting room ever again. Never imagined that, once again, he'd be waiting desperately for any update on her condition.

"She'll be fine, Castle," Ryan speaks beside him. Twisting his head, he sees the compassion on the detective's face. But he can also see the concern, and so his reassurance does little to ease the worry. "This isn't like last time."

And Ryan's right. It's not like last time.

It's worse.

Because last night she'd arrived on his doorstep- soaking wet and tears falling slowly down her cheeks- and told him that she loves him.

She _loves _him.

And now she's lying somewhere in this hospital and there's nothing he can do but sit and wait as the doctors try to put her back together yet again.

His shoulders hunch and he throws his head down into his hands, unwilling to look at anyone as they start arriving one by one. Lanie. Esposito. His mother. And, finally, Beckett's father.

He can barely even look the man in the eye. Because he should have been there; shouldn't have let her leave. Maybe then, the man's daughter wouldn't be fighting for her life. Again.

God, this is all his fault.

"What happened?" Jim asks. His voice is quiet. Castle glances up, and instantly, he wishes he hadn't.

Jim looks as if he's about to break. And Castle doesn't blame him because, really- how much should one person have to go through? Losing your wife is one thing. Losing yourself to an addiction is another. Almost losing your daughter to a bullet is something else entirely.

But _this_? This is too much.

He opens his mouth to apologise- for not only this, but for _everything_ that man has had to go through- but the words catch in his throat. He swallows the lump, but still no sound comes out.

"He must have been waiting in her apartment," Ryan explains, resting a hand on Jim's shoulders. "The door was open when I stopped by, and I... she-" he breaks off, sucking in a deep breath, his face paling as he remembers. "She was just lying on the floor."

"How?" Jim asks. It's barely a breath.

But he just can't hear it _again_. Can't hear how Ryan went around to her apartment to see how she was coping after the previous day's fiasco, only to find the door ajar and Beckett lying on the ground, a blow to the back of her head.

Images of her lifeless body, lying limp on the cold floor at some unnatural angle, rush to his mind.

God, he's going to be sick.

Suddenly, he's up and out of his seat, rushing for the bathroom. Smashing through the door, he leans his body over the sink, gripping onto the porcelain as he tries to hold onto his stomach.

He squeezes his eyes shut and presses his lips together as his stomach knots and his heart twists painfully inside him.

Because this just isn't fair.

And all he wants is for the doctor to come out and tell him that she's fine.

But he knows that's just not going to happen.


	2. Chapter 2

**2**

_Earlier that day…_

The moment he wakes, he knows it's too early. There's little sunlight streaming in, and there's still a slight chill to the air.

He groans, and rolls over onto his stomach- perfectly content to fall back asleep- before he realises something.

Apparently, he's naked.

Suddenly, last night flashes back to him.

Oh. Beckett. _Right_.

He slides his hand over the sheets beside him, searching for her body, but finding only air. The sheets are cool, no trace left of another person sleeping there.

He turns his head towards the bathroom, but there's no light spilling from the crack at the bottom.

And then he lifts himself up and glances towards his office, and she's there. She's leaning against his doorway, watching him carefully (has she been watching him sleep?). Her hair is messy, and the shirt she's wearing- his shirt- is crinkled. And, she's holding two steaming mugs in her hand.

"You… made me coffee."

She smiles as she saunters over to his bed, slipping in beside him and holding out his mug.

God, she's amazing.

And she's _his_.

"Figured you'd need it after last night," she says with a wink. The corners of her mouth twitch upwards in the hint of a smile that she apparently just can't help.

He can't help it. The coffee mugs are on the nightstand in a flash (well, as quickly as he can move scalding liquid) and he's pushing her back against the bed, locking his lips to hers. He feels a small chuckle that bubbles to her lips, but he swallows it, his mouth hot on hers. His hands roam, through her hair, down her side, and eventually tightening around her back, pulling her closer to him.

He will never tire of this.

* * *

An hour later, they're still lying in his bed. She curled up against his chest, clutching onto him (who would've though she'd be a cuddler?), and he's got his arms wrapped tightly around her. He couldn't let go if he had to.

He can't remember a time recently he's been so content. He could just lie here all day with her and…

"I resigned," she whispers, breaking the silence.

His breath catches in his throat, and he goes still. She's taken him completely by surprise, and for once, he has no words.

When he doesn't say anything, she continues quietly. "I just… can't do it anymore. I don't _need_ to do it anymore," she corrects. "All these years, I've let my mum's murder define me. At times, it's swallowed me whole. There've been days where I haven't even been able to manage stepping out of bed.

"But it's driven me, too. I've put everything I've got into the job, because I don't want any other family to have to know what injustice feels like. But now…" She lifts her head and looks at him. Her eyes are wide and glassy with the tears she's fighting. His heart tugs inside his chest at her vulnerability. "Will you still love me? Even if I'm not a cop? Even if I have no idea what I'm supposed to do?"

He can't believe it. She's really let go. She's chosen her life over her mother's murder; over finding the man responsible for her shooting.

She's chosen a life with him.

"God, Kate- of course," he chokes. "I'll always love you."

* * *

"Will you tell me what happened yesterday?"

They're sitting at his kitchen counter now, fresh coffee and pancakes laid out in front of them.

He's knows he should keep the conversation light, but it's eating him inside that he doesn't fully know what happened to her.

The need to know the entire story has always been one of his biggest flaws.

She drops her gaze and pushes a piece of pancake idly around her plate. "Are you sure you really want to know?" Her hesitation doesn't deter him, responding with a quiet "Yes."

She gives a small nod in understanding and pushes her hair back behind her ear before she begins. "The boys managed to track him down to the apartment he's been staying at using the GPS in his rental car. Espo and I got in there, but… he showed up. Knocked Esposito out and made a break for the roof. I followed, and in the struggle…" She sighs, and closes her eyes.

"Kate?" he prompts. She opens her eyes and looks up at him.

"He knocked me off the roof," she breathes. "Twenty stories up, and he left me _hanging_ there, and there was nothing I could do but watch him walk away."

Every word is a stab to his heart. He should have been there; he shouldn't have walked away.

"All I could think about was you, Castle," she whispers. "Only you. I just kept thinking to myself that I had to hang on for you."

_Why_ did he walk away?

"Ryan pulled me just as I was about to drop," she explains. "Against my orders, he went to Gates. And if he hadn't… I wouldn't still be here."

Tomorrow, he's going to buy Ryan a car or a boat or a jet plane, because he's owes so much to that man.

But right now, he's going to kiss Kate.

* * *

He doesn't want her to go, but it's almost midday.

They've spent the rest of the morning talking (well, amongst other things) about everything, something that really is a first for them. She's explained everything that happened since he walked out of her apartment (God, _why_ did he do that?) and they've reached a point where they can both accept what the other did.

And now Alexis is due at any moment, and Beckett feels as if she should be gone by the time she does.

"You know you want to spend time with your daughter, Castle," she says. "And I'm sure Alexis will want to spend time with you."

"Yes, but I want to spend time with you, too," he huffs. She laughs at him, and he pouts.

"Stop acting like a child, Castle. I'll see you tomorrow." He tightens his grip around her waist possessively and presses kiss to her forehead. He leans his head against hers and they simply stand like that for a moment, completely at peace.

"I love you," he hears. It's barely a breath. But she said it.

And it sends his heart soaring.

His lips are on hers before his brain even has a chance to catch up. His hands tangle in her hair, and hers are sliding up underneath the hem of his shirt, and he just can't seem to get her close enough when an overly-load throat clearing sounds beside them.

Their lips break with a loud smack and they turn to see a young redheaded (and slightly red-faced) girl standing in the doorway, eyeing them knowingly.

He should have known that just because they were together, their days of being interrupted wouldn't suddenly stop.

"So… something I should know about?" Alexis asks, her voice too light and filled with amusement.

He presses his lips tightly together, completely mortified his daughter just caught him making out in the middle of the living room like some teenager. He sneaks a glance at Beckett, who's apparently as embarrassed as he is. Her cheeks are tinged with a pink hue, and she's running her fingers over her lips.

"I was just leaving," Beckett offers, glancing at the ground. She's almost out the door before he even realises she's moved. He dashes after her, pushing her out the door, and closing it behind them. He crowds her, his body pressing against her as he pulls her in for another kiss, because he just can't seem to stop.

The smile on her face when they break away is absolutely worth it.

* * *

The moment he re-enters the loft, Alexis raises an eyebrow. "Looks like I'm not the only one who got lucky last night."

His face drops for only a second before it turns murderous.

"Kidding! Dad, kidding!" Alexis says quickly.

Oh- thank _god_.

"I'm a little young to be having a heart attack, don't you think?" He narrows his eyes at her, clutching his chest dramatically as he flops down onto the couch and shutting his eyes. When he opens them a minute later, he sees Alexis standing at the end of the couch, an expression of expectation on her face.

"What?" he asks, confused.

"Aren't you going to tell me what happened?"

"There is no way I'm talking about that with you!"

"Ew, dad! Not _that_!" She scrunches her face in disgust. "Ugh, no. What I meant was… when I left yesterday, I thought things were finished between yourself and Detective Beckett. What changed?"

Castle presses his lips together, fighting a smile as he tries to remain serious. "She… loves me." Beside him, Alexis sucks in a breath.

"Oh," she says quietly. It's obviously not what she was expecting.

"You don't sound pleased," he observes. A small frown appears on Alexis' forehead.

"I'm happy for you, Dad. I _am_," she insists upon seeing the look on his face.

"But…"

Alexis sighs. "But, I'm worried that she'll hurt you. You've done nothing but follow her for four years, just _hoping_ that she'll notice you. Especially this past year: she's done nothing but ignore how you feel. Don't you think you've waited long enough?"

He ignores the fact that she's obviously been listening in on his conversations with his mother and gathers his thoughts.

Yes, he's waited a long time. But it's _Kate_. And, as he now knows, she's been healing. It's not _really_ as if she'd been ignoring him this past year; she's been putting herself together back together, to be in a strong enough place to accept everything that's happened with her mother and her shooting and just move on.

To _him_.

"I don't have to wait anymore, Alexis," is all he says.

* * *

He's just about to sit down for dinner with Alexis when his phone rings. Assuming it's his mother, he silently prays she hasn't destroyed his Hampton home already as he answers without a glance. "Yes?"

"Castle? It's Ryan," the voice sounds quietly in his hear.

"Ryan? Oh, hi," he fumbles. He wasn't expecting the detective to call so soon. "Listen," he starts, finding his words, "I need to thank you."

"Castle-"

"No, please- let me finish," he interrupts. "Beckett told me what you did. I know how hard it must have been to go to Gates, to go against your team, your partner-"

"No, Castle, listen-"

"Ryan, _please_," Castle presses. "You did the right thing. If it weren't for you, Beckett wouldn't be here-"

"Castle, stop!" Castle pauses; there's too much urgency and force (and… fear?) in the detective's voice. "Castle, there's been an attack."

His heart drops in his chest. He knows it's coming before he hears it. And as much as he wants to will it away, he can't.

"It's Beckett."

Oh, no.

* * *

_On tumblr? Follow me: kellisworld dot tumblr dot com =)_


	3. Chapter 3

**3**

Three.

That's the number of hours he's been sitting here in this waiting room.

In the grand scheme of things, three hours isn't long at all. But when all you have to do is sit and stare at the white walls, it's an eternity.

In three hours, no update from the doctor means your mind is left to run through every possible scenario. From the life you desperately want with the person you love, to having to say goodbye as you watch them slowly lower their body into the ground.

And just when he thinks he can't wait any longer- when he thinks he might just crack- he hears the doctor call out her name.

"Family of Kate Beckett?"

His head shoots up, but his body won't cooperate. He's too weighed down with images of her lifeless body.

But Jim's out of his seat. "My daughter?" His voice is rough with the emotion he's holding back.

"She's stable."

With those two words, a massive weight lifts from his chest. He sucks in a long breath, finally able to breath again.

"Why don't we sit?" The doctor suggests, her hand outstretched towards a couple of chairs. Jim gives a weak nod, and sinks down into the chair. Castle leans forward in his seat, listening to the doctor's words.

"As I said, she's stable, but we're going to have to watch her very closely," the doctor explains. "Head traumas are very unpredictable, but for now there appears to be no lasting injuries."

"Is she awake?" Jim asks.

"I'm afraid not just yet," she apologises. "But that's nothing to worry about. Everyone heals differently."

"Can I see her?"

"Of course," the doctor stands. "The rest of you," she directs the group, "Should head home. Get some rest. We'll let you know once there's been any change." With that, she sends them once last sympathetic smile before leading Jim Beckett to his daughter.

Castle lets out a long breath. For now, she's fine. It's something; a start. But there's no way he's leaving.

Before anyone has a chance to move, the large doors slide open and Captain Gates strides through the entrance with purpose, followed closely by an older man in a suit and two younger detectives.

"What the hell happened?" She demands, glaring at Ryan, who jumps to his feet.

"She was attacked," Ryan answers. "I stopped by her apartment and found the door ajar. She was lying on the floor, hit on the back of her head."

Gates turns to Esposito, furious. "If she loses her life because you've been investigating behind my back, you'll lose your badge. Do you understand me?" Esposito clenches his jaw and balls his hands into fists in an effort to restrain from lashing out and worsening the situation.

"Sir, let me work the case," Ryan says suddenly.

"I'll do no such thing." Gates stares him down. "Just because you aren't suspended doesn't mean this isn't just as much your fault. You were just as much a part of this as he was."

"Sir-"

"Don't 'sir' me," she interrupts. "You're not on the case, and that's final. I can't have my detectives running around investigating their own team, _especially_ after everything you've done." She sends him a piercing look. "And even if she wasn't, this is _not_ a homicide investigation."

"We will be taking Detective Beckett's case," the older man says, stepping in front of Gates.

Castle shifts his gaze to him, sizing him up. He's familiar; probably another Captain at the twelfth, assumingly in charge of assaults.

"I'm sure you know Detectives Tulley and Holden," he gestures to the detectives standing behind him. "Your Captain has given me her assurance that you will not be interfering with our investigation. And, if for some reason you happen to come across any evidence pertinent to our investigation, she assures us that you come straight to me. _Both_ of you," he eyes Ryan and Esposito. "Is that clear?"

Esposito narrows his eyes, and Ryan gives a sharp nod.

"Good. Detective Ryan- if you'd like to accompany us back to the station, we'd like your official statement." Ryan glances at Gates, and nods.

"Of course," he says. He turns to Castle, and gives him a reassuring slap on his shoulder. "Let me know if anything changes."

Castle manages a tight smile. "Course," he chokes.

They all leave, then. Ryan follows the detectives and Gates back to the precinct. Esposito offers Lanie a ride home that she immediately declines, instead choosing to scold him over everything he's done as they walk out.

When Alexis excuses herself for a moment to find the bathroom before they leave, he turns to his mother. "Mother, can you take Alexis home? Make sure she's alright?"

When she protests, it's not unexpected. He knows he's asking too much of her. He knows _he_ should be the one making sure his daughter is coping. But, he knows he's also needed here.

"Richard, I know you want to stay here but your daughter needs you," Martha says. "_You_ need to take her home and be with her."

"I can't leave," he says, his voice choking.

"I know you want to be here for Detective Beckett, but you have other responsibilities. The hospital will call when she wakes."

"No," he says stubbornly, his eyes fierce. "No. I'm not leaving. Not again." His voice breaks, and he drops his head into his hands. He hears his mother sigh beside him, and she rubs her hand across his back reassuringly.

"This morning, she told me she loves me," he admits. "And now…"

"Oh, Richard. I'm so sorry." He can hear his mother's heart breaking for him, but it's nothing like his feels. Inside his chest, his heart is twisting, and tugging, and ripping apart.

"Dad?" a small voice sounds. He lifts his head.

"Alexis," he speaks quietly. He stands, and brings his daughter into a hug. "Gram's going to take you home, okay? But if you need anything, just call me, okay? Anything. Don't hesitate."

"I'll be fine, dad," she responds. "You just stay here with Kate."

He really has the most amazing daughter.

* * *

It's a little after one when Jim Beckett finally retires from his daughter's room. The doctor explained how there's been no change just yet, and she's unlikely to wake before morning. Told him he should head home and get some rest, and they'd call if there were any change.

As if he can sleep when his daughter's in the hospital.

But he conceded. He's of no use here- especially if he's burnt out- and so he begrudgingly makes he way through the corridors towards the exit.

And that's when he sees him.

Richard Castle, slumped uncomfortably in the corner of the waiting room, his head nodding forward. He's still here, long after everyone else left. Long after the doctor's said everyone should head home.

He's still here.

Jim makes his way over to him and shakes him gently on the shoulder, waking him. Castle startles, confused for a moment before realising where he is.

"Is Kate alright?" Castle asks, his voice anxious. His eyes are wide, and Jim can see the panic rushing through them.

"She's still asleep," he replies quickly. "The doctor's said they'd call if there's any change. Why don't you head home?"

Castle shakes his head. "No, I'm fine. I... I want to be here just in case she wakes."

If the situation weren't so grave, Jim would have smiled.

Because his daughter is lucky she has this man in her life.

So Jim eases himself into the seat beside Castle, and nods agreement.

If Richard Castle is staying, he's staying too.

* * *

Three.

That's the number of weeks he's been sitting here in her room. Three weeks, and she's still not awake.

During the first week, he sits in her room all day beside Jim. No other visitors. Jim says he can't handle everyone coming to see his daughter just yet, and so the doctor restricts her visitors.

He's there when Jim has the conversation with Dr Armin about controlling visitors, the morning after they received the phone call. They chat for a while with the doctor about how she'd like to treat Beckett before Jim brings it up. And then when Jim stands all of a sudden to follow the doctor to his daughter's now private room, Castle feels as if his heart is about to tear, because he's not sure he'll survive without being right there by her side.

But then the man turns around and asks if he's coming.

"Huh?" Castle asks ineloquently.

"You love my Katie, don't you?" he asks.

There's no hesitation. "Yes."

Jim simply smiles, and tilts his head for Castle to follow.

Jim's letting him stay. Oh, thank god. He doesn't know how he'll every repay the man.

For the most part, they sit in silence. It's still so fresh that they can't seem to think of anything else. And when the night nurse tells them visiting hours are over, they sleep uncomfortably in the waiting room. Just in case.

After a few days, they take alternating shifts. Castle heads home during the mornings to shower and change, and Jim during the afternoons. He tries to make the trips as brief as possible, but Alexis never seems to want to let him leave. And he feels guilty for not being there for her, so he'll stay for a few hours. They'll have breakfast and talk, but his mind is never really there, because all he can think about is Kate.

And when he'll finally make it back to the hospital hours later, he's in a state of absolute panic that something's happened to her whilst he's been away, only to find her still lying there. No change. Not yet.

The second week, the conversations start to flow. Mostly, they talk about Kate. Stories from her childhood. Some of the more amusing cases she's worked on with Castle. How if she's been listening to them this whole time, she'll kill them when she wakes up.

He can only speak for himself, but it puts Castle at ease to talk about her in such a way, as if she'll wake up at any moment and rain hell down on them.

But now, three weeks have passed since he received the call from Ryan. And she's lying just as still as she was the first day.

Dr Armin keeps telling him not to worry. Tells him her vitals are improving, and even if she's not awake yet, she's more responsive every day.

He knows it should be a good sign that every test they run comes back clear, but it just leaves him more panicked. Because if they can't find anything physically wrong, then why isn't she awake?

At the moment, it's just him. Under the promise that Castle would call if anything- _anything_- changes, Jim headed home for the day.

They decided the day before to stop restricting visitors; after all, they aren't the only one's worried about her. But Jim didn't want to be here whilst they were, choosing instead to make himself scarce. And even though he'd rather not see anyone either, Castle stayed so he could let Jim know the moment something changes.

His chair is pulled up close to her bed, and he's just sitting there, watching her. Her hand is clasped tightly in his, and he occasionally reaches up to tenderly brush her face.

"Oh, Kate," he whispers. "Please, just wake up." His voice is full of desperation as he pleads with her. But she doesn't stir.

He sighs, closing his eyes for a moment before a quiet knock sounds nearby. It's Ryan; he's standing by the door, flowers in his hand, shifting nervously.

"Hi," Castle manages to choke out. His voice is scratchy, a mix of the tears and little use.

"I… just wanted to see how she's doing," Ryan explains, but doesn't move through the doorway.

"You can come in, Ryan," Castle says, waving him in. Ryan nods and glances around nervously.

"No, right. Of course," he mutters. He walks hesitantly into the room, placing the flowers on the table against the far wall. He pulls up the seat on the opposite side of the bed. "How is she?"

Castle shrugs, and looks down at Beckett. "The doctor says she's improving. Stronger vitals. More responsive. But she won't wake."

Ryan doesn't reply. Instead, he lets out a long breath, and presses his hands on his knees to hold his weight up.

"Castle-"

"What the hell are _you _doing here?" The pair snaps their heads around to the door to see Esposito glaring at Ryan.

"Excuse me?" Ryan asks, raising an eyebrow.

"You think you have a _right_ to be here? After what you did? After you betrayed her?" Esposito asks angrily. Ryan jumps to his feet.

"I _had_ to," Ryan insists.

"No. You didn't have to. It was your choice. Your choice to go against your team."

"Enough!" Castle shouted. "It was the right choice. If Ryan hadn't gone to Gates, Kate wouldn't be here right now." Esposito clenches his jaw, and glances over at Beckett. "And Esposito, you had her back, too, alright? You both did. When I walked away, you both still had her back."

Esposito and Ryan glance at each other, exchanging guilty expressions. "Look, Castle, I didn't mean it like that," Ryan apologises. Castle shakes his head.

"I know you didn't," he says. "It doesn't mean I'm not still thankful. Thankful she had _both_ of-"

"Beckett!" Esposito shouts suddenly. Castle twists his head. She's stirring, her lashes moving slowly, her head rolling slightly. His heart warms; she's _okay_.

"Kate? Can you hear me? Kate?" His tone is urgent, his hands clutching hers tightly. She stirs again, and her eyes open a little wider. Distantly, he hears Esposito shout something about a doctor, and Ryan mention something about her dad, but he can't shift his attention.

Her eyes flutter, as if it's taking some extraordinary effort to keep them open. He presses his lips tightly together to try and refrain from calling out her name again.

Slowly, her eyes open, and her gaze locks onto his. "Oh, Kate," he whispers, running a gentle hand across her forehead. Relief washes over him. "Your awake. Oh, your _awake_."

She glances around the room, her brow furrowing in confusion. "What happened? Where am I?" Her voice is quiet and coarse. He tries to control his joy, reminding himself that just because she's awake, doesn't mean she's not still hurting.

"Your in the hospital, Kate," he explains. "You were attacked. He must have been waiting for you in your apartment. Ryan found you a few hours later."

"Ryan?" she asks. Castle nods.

"He was just dropping by to see how you were coping when he found you," he speaks quietly. He squeezes her hand, unsure of which of them he's trying to reassure.

She shakes her head in response. "No. I mean, _who_ is Ryan?"

His veins run cold, his heart drops low in his chest. "You don't know who Ryan is?" She shakes her head.

Oh, god. No. This can't be happening.

He doesn't want to ask, but he has to. And he's sure he already knows the answer; he can see it in her eyes. The confusion. The question. The distance.

"Kate, do you know who _I_ am?"

She bites her lip apologetically, and peers up sadly at him from under her lashes. "I'm sorry," she says quietly. "No."

* * *

_So, this is what happens when my professor teaches us about amnesia, despite his arguments that it pretty much only exists in the movies. And seeing as this is post-Always (and will continue to be primarily about that, I promise), I had to tweak the facts a little. But you'll forgive me if its not 100% realistic, right? If not, I recommend you watch the documentary channel instead =)_

_And, random question: does anyone know if they've ever mentioned on the show what Jim Beckett does/did for a living? Is he retired? Working? I have no idea, so please let me know if you do. I'm very curious =)_


	4. Chapter 4

_Thankyou for all your lovely reviews =) I would have liked to reply to each one personally, but I just have too much study at the moment. And an extra big thankyou to all who answered my question about Jim! I can't believe I didn't remember about that scene._

* * *

**4**

Her eyes feel heavy. Her entire body aches. She wants nothing more than to succumb to the blackness.

But she can hear voices nearby arguing. And though it takes every last ounce of energy she's got left, she somehow manages to forces her eyes open.

She blinks in the sudden brightness. Slowly, the blurs form into shapes, and the room comes into vision.

The first thing she sees is the man beside her bed. His face is full of concern, and he's repeating her name over and over again. He runs a gentle hand across her forehead as he speaks to her; it's comforting and familiar, though she doesn't know why.

Apparently, she's supposed to know him. The expression on his face when she tells him she doesn't know who he is absolutely devastating. He looks heartbroken, but at the moment she's less focused on _who_ he is and more interested in _why_ she can't remember him.

Before she can question him any further, and another man enters. She knows him. She _knows_ she knows him. But, she can't quite place it.

Suddenly, it clicks. "Oh. _You're_ Ryan," she says. She sounds somewhat impressed with herself, but judging by the expression on his face, she shouldn't be.

"Beckett, is everything alright?" Ryan asks.

"Yes. He," she gestures at the mystery man standing beside her bed, "was just explaining what happened. He said you were the one who found me?" Ryan nods slowly, his eyes narrowing slightly as he continues watching her, but she ignores it, needing answers before anything else. "Not to take away from the fact that I'm grateful- because I am- but, what were you doing at my apartment?"

Ryan glances at the other man momentarily before returning his attention back to her. "I wanted to see how you were coping. Did I overstep?"

She scrunches her face; why isn't anyone understanding her? "I just don't understand how you know where I live," she explains. "And coping with what, exactly?"

His face drops, and he turns to the other man yet again. "She doesn't remember?" The man shakes his head slowly, and runs a hand nervously through his hair.

But before any of them can speak any further, a woman in a white coat bustles in, closely followed by Esposito. "Good afternoon. I'm Dr Armin. How are you feeling?"

She opens her mouth to respond, but Ryan is suddenly at the doctor's side, whispering something into her ear.

"I'm not a child, okay?" she snaps. "Whatever you're saying to her, say it loud enough for me to here."

The doctor peers at her over her glasses for a moment before turning back towards the others. "Would you mind if I had a private moment with Kate? I'll come find you in the waiting room when I'm finished." The boys nod, and move to walk out of the room when a though crosses her mind.

"Esposito- do you mind calling my dad?" she calls out. Esposito raises his eyebrows in surprise, and tries to subtly glance at Ryan, who nods at him.

"He's on his way," he eventually says. "Do you want me to stay until he gets here?" he asks.

"No, I'm fine," she says stubbornly. "But can you do me a favour and give Montgomery a call? Just let him know what's happening, and I'll call him later." Immediately, their three heads shoot up, passing exchanges as they glance between one another.

God, she's sick of this. The exchanging of meaningful glances, but no answers.

"What is it?" she demands. "What's going on?" But the doctor ushers them out of the room before they can answer her. She closes the door softly behind her, and sits down beside the bed.

"Kate, how are you feeling?" The doctor asks, tilting her head as she studies Beckett.

"Aggravated," she declares, glowering. The doctor sends her an amused smile.

"I understand. But, anything physical? Any head pain?" The moment the doctor mentions it, Kate notices a dull throbbing deep inside her skull.

"Uh- yeah. A little, I guess."

"Can you tell me what month it is?"

She opened her mouth to reply, but nothing comes to mind. She tries to think back to the previous day, but can't think of anything concrete.

God, why can't she remember?

Slowly, she shakes her head in response. The doctor frowns, and makes a brief note on the clipboard. "Are you able to tell me your full name?"

"Katherine Marie Beckett."

"Good," the doctor smiles condescendingly, and Beckett has to resist the urge to roll her eyes. "And your father's name?"

"Jim Beckett."

"How about the men who were in here before? Can you tell me anything about them?"

She bits her lips. "Yeah. Esposito and I work together, and Ryan's in training to join us in a few weeks time. I don't really know him that well, though."

"And the third man?"

"I'm not sure. Something about him feels familiar, but I can't remember knowing him." The doctor simply nods, and makes another note on her chart.

Beckett lets out a long breath, giving up her brave front as her heart sinks low in her chest. "Can you please just tell me what happened to me?" she asks quietly. The doctor pauses for a moment, studying her as if she's trying to find the right words.

"Miss Beckett, you were found unconscious in your apartment. You'd been assaulted; knocked out with a blow to your head," she explains softly. "Your scans so far haven't shown any physical damage, but you seem to be suffering from some memory loss."

"How bad do you think it is?"

"Yours is definitely not one of the worst reported cases I've seen," Dr Armin says. "Some patients have lost two years, some have lost memories from their entire life, and others can't even remember how to walk. The fact that you still have most of your memory and no other apparent cognitive functioning problems is a good sign. And we're yet to find any physical damage."

"So, it's likely my memory will return?"

"I'm afraid there's no way to tell," she apologises. "At the moment, there's no reason not to be hopeful that you will at least recover some partial memories. But, the brain is very tricky. We'll have to run more tests before we know anything further."

Beckett sighs.

"Would you like me to send any of your friends in? It may help trigger something," the doctor suggests, but Beckett shakes her head; she doesn't need anyone fussing over her like she's a small child.

"No," she replies. "I think I'd rather be alone for now."

Dr Armin nods her agreement before promptly leaving the room. The second she's gone, Beckett squeezes her eyes shut.

Why can't she remember?

* * *

They sit in silence as they wait outside Beckett's room. For that, he's thankful; he can't handle Esposito and Ryan telling him everything's going to be just fine.

Because it's not. She's awake, now, and she doesn't remember him. All these feelings of worry and devastation were supposed to go away when she woke, but they're worse now. He doesn't even know how that's possible.

"What happened? Is Katie awake?" he glances up at the voice to see Jim Beckett running down the hallway. He opens his mouth to reply (how is he even supposed to explain this?), but at that moment Dr Armin exits Beckett's room.

"Yes, Mr Beckett, she's awake," Dr Amin replies. "However, your daughter seems to be suffering from some minor retrograde amnesia," Dr Armin explains. "I say minor because it doesn't look as if there's any permanent damage. Most likely, there's some small, temporary damage to the neural pathways that form her memories. I'm hopeful that with time, Kate will recover her memories."

"What sort of time frame are we talking? Days? Months?" Jim asks.

"I'm afraid there's no way to tell," the doctor replies. "It could be a few days, it could be a few years."

"And just how much doesn't she remember?" he asks.

"I'll need your help to clarify that," she says. "Talk with her, find out what she remembers most recently, and help put it into perspective."

Ryan quickly steps to his feet. "If it helps, when I walked in there before, she thought I was still in training," Ryan offers. "So that was- what? Four and a half years ago? Five?"

Jim lets out a long breath. "Okay... alright," he mumbles, trying to wrap his head around all this new information. "Can I see her?"

Dr Amin nods. "Of course," she says. "However, the rest of you should head home. Kate specified she didn't want any visitors just yet."

Castle squeezes his eyes shut, and lowers his head into his hands. He can't see her. _He can't see her_.

She doesn't _want_ to see him.

God- he doesn't know what he's going to do.

"Why don't you come back tomorrow?" Jim suggests, resting a hand on his shoulder. Castle glances up, and shakes his head.

"It's okay. I don't want to overstep and make her uncomfortable." His voice is strangled, stuck in his throat. "She doesn't know who I am, after all."

"She does know," Jim insists. "Somewhere inside her, she knows."

"Mr Castle, just being around Kate may help trigger her memories," the doctor says. "Patients often recover parts of their memory spontaneously. They might see a familiar object, or it could be something you say, but simply being in familiar environments around familiar people can definitely help."

Castle nods. "I- yeah. Ok. I'll come back tomorrow," he whispers.

"Come on, bro," Esposito says, clapping him on the shoulder. "I'll give you a lift."

He takes one last longing glance at her door. It's just one night. He can survive one night away from her.

But he knows it could just be the first of many.

He sighs and stumbles to his feet, blindly following Esposito out and away from the hospital.

Away from Kate.

* * *

She chews her lip nervously as she glances around her room. Aside from the flowers, there's little else. Just a standard hospital room. But, there _are_ lots of flowers. And although she wants to read the cards, she's afraid she won't recognise the names.

_No_, she tells herself. _She's not afraid_. Kate Beckett most definitely _not_ afraid of _flowers_, of all things.

Searching the room for anything else to occupy her mind, she spots a bag on the floor by her bed. It's hers, she knows that much. She's had it since college. But before she has a chance to reach for it, the door swings open and her father walks in.

"Katie," he says, a forced grin on his face. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine, dad," she replies. He's always been the over-exaggerator.

"Katie, you've been… asleep, for three weeks. After a serious head injury. And now, your having memory problems," he says with a look. "You don't need to be brave in front of me."

Her face drops. "Three weeks?" she chokes. Oh, god. The doctor never mentioned anything about that.

"Why don't we focus on what you _do_ remember," her father suggests. Yes- that's a start. Knowing what she _does_ remember may help the rest to fall in place. "Ryan was outside; he mentioned you thought he was still in training?"

"They aren't still outside, are they?" she asks hesitantly. Her father shakes his head.

"They went home, but they said they might drop by in a few days time to see how you're doing."

"But…" she starts, but trails off, unsure where to start. "You know them, right?" she eventually asks.

"Yes." His voice is careful, unsure of where she's directing this conversation.

She pauses. "So… you know who the third man is? Aside from Esposito and Ryan?" she clarifies.

"You don't?"

"Memory loss, dad," she says obviously, tapping her finger to her forehead. Her father simply smiles and reaches into the bag he brought for her during the first week, passing her a book. _Heat Wave_, by Richard Castle.

She's read all his work, but it's not one she recognises. She looks at her father for clarification. "What's your point?"

"Turn it over," her dad explains. She raises an eyebrow curiously, and flips the book in her hands.

_Oh_. The picture- it's him. The man who was by her bedside. The man who was so relieved when she woke up. The man who looked absolutely devastated when she said she didn't know him.

She lets out a small laugh. "I can't believe I didn't recognise him…" she ponders.

"His books really are all you talk about," Jim says with a chuckle. She rolls her eyes at his over-exaggeration.

"Are you going to tell me why he was here?" She tries to keep her tone light, but the knowing look on his face tells her Jim sees through the act.

"That's a story for another day," he replies simply.

* * *

A few hours later, she's alone. She'd managed to convince her father to go home and sleep in a proper bed now she's awake. "The nurses will call if there are any problems, dad," she'd insisted.

Grabbing the bag her father brought her, she gingerly steps towards the bathroom. Dropping the bag onto the ground, she turns to lock the door when something catches her eye.

She flinches. There's a girl, in the mirror.

Oh- it's her.

Her hair. It's longer, and lighter. Completely different than she remembers.

She squeezes her eyes shut. _It's not a big deal_, she tells herself. _It's just your hair_.

But, it signifies just one small portion of the many changes she's going to have to accommodate to.

She blows out a breath, refusing to let her _hair_- of all things- overwhelm her, and reaches in the shower to turn the taps. She waits and lets the room steam before quickly stripping off and stepping under the scolding water.

She stands still for just a moment, her eyes closed as she lets the water wash away her problems. If only it were that simple.

Sighing, she squeezes a generous amount of body wash onto her palm and begins to wash away the feeling of the hospital when she notices it.

It's right over heart. A bumpy patch of skin.

She looks down, and pauses.

It's a scar. And not just any scar.

She's seen this same scaring before. The small, circular, bumpy pattern.

It's the same scaring you'd see on survivors of shootings.

Realisation floods over her. She's been _shot_. Sometime in the past few years, someone put a bullet into her. Sometime in the past few years, she came close to the end of her life.

Suddenly, she can't hold herself up any longer. It's all too much. She grips the tiles with her hands as she slowly sinks down low onto the shower floor. She leans against the wall for support, curling into herself, and letting the running water drown out her sobs as she lets the grief overwhelm her.


	5. Chapter 5

_I'd just like to explain something quickly about Kate not knowing who Castle is. A few of you brought it up in your reviews (and I completely understand where you're coming from), and I think I managed to reply to those who did, but I'd just to explain it to everyone so you all understand where I'm coming from._

_Basically, amnesia isn't so direct like most people assume it is. It's not like you remember one day, and then everything after that is wiped. There are bits and pieces missing from all over the place. _

_Also, memory and emotion are separate processes in our brains. Whilst they're mostly linked, they can occur and be affected separately. Basically, that's what I've gone for. Kate knew this man by her bedside was familiar, but couldn't quite place it (kind of like a "it's on the tip of my tongue" response). Also, she knew who this "Richard Castle" person was and knew his books (pre-Heat Wave, and probably Storm Fall too), but didn't make the connection in her brain as to the fact he was the man beside her bed until she actually saw his picture. You'll see a bit more of this as the story goes on._

_Also, there'll be a little bit of a personality change. Not quite as extreme as with real amnesia patients, but this IS just a story, after all. So if she seems a little out of character, please understand why. You'll slowly see her morph back into current personality as she adjusts back into her life. _

_And there's just so much more complex stuff that I can't even begin to go into detail about in this story because it will come off reading like a documentary, and let's be honest- none of you really want to read about that, do you? So forgive me if it's not 100% =)_

_Phew! Thanks to anyone who read all that! Haha. I know it's a lot of information. _

_So, I hope you continue to enjoy this. And can I just say once again how AMAZING the feedback has been? Because it really has been amazing to read =)_

* * *

**5**

When he arrives home late in the afternoon, his mother and Alexis are confused as to his return.

"Kate's… awake," he explains. His coarse voice and the look on his face must tell them it's not all good news, because they don't smile. "She has amnesia. She… doesn't remember me."

"Oh, Richard," Martha cries, covering her mouth with her hand, her eyes swelling with tears.

"Dad, I'm sorry," Alexis apologises. His family throw their arms around him comfortingly, but he shuts himself off; they don't need to see him crying over Kate Beckett yet again.

"It's fine," he insists, but he's used that word so many times over the past year that it's lost all meaning. "Really. She's awake, and that's what's important." He's not sure if he's trying to convince his family or himself.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Alexis asks.

"No," he responds. "I think… I'll write." It's a lie, of course. He's sure they know that, but thankfully, they accept it. He places a kiss on his daughter's head and slowly pulls away from them without another word, softly closing his study door behind him.

He glances at his laptop momentarily, perched in the centre of his desk, but as if he could write about Nikki now. Instead, he proceeds straight through to his bedroom, lowering himself to his mattress and letting the grief overcome him.

* * *

He barely sleeps at all that night.

When he finally crawls beneath his sheets, images of Beckett lying there with him during their one night together flood his mind. He remembers the way she pressed kisses along his collarbone, and the way her body laid against his.

The realisation he hasn't slept in his bed since that night hits him hard. Instead, he's been sleeping uncomfortably in the hospital waiting room. Where he should be right this moment.

Suddenly, he throws back the covers and jumps out of bed, grabbing the first clothes he finds in his closet and pulling them on in a hurry. He has to go back. Even if she won't let him in her room, he has to be _near_ her.

He's almost out the door when Alexis stops him. She's in the kitchen, looking for a late night snack, when the jingle of his keys alerts her to his intentions.

"Just think about what you're doing for a moment, dad," she warns. "There's a reason you came home- a reason you're not still at the hospital. And I'm sure sneaking back into her room in the middle of the night won't go over too well with her."

He opens his mouth to protest, but in the end, he closes it without making a sound. Because his daughter is right; he needs to think of what's best for Kate, and he's sure waking up in the middle of a night when a stranger is sneaking into your room is the complete opposite of what she needs right now.

So he sets his keys back down onto the table, kicks off his shoes, and lies down on the couch, because he knows there's no way he'll fall asleep in his bed.

* * *

When it's finally morning, he fidgets around the house as he watches the clock, trying to figure out what time would be acceptable time for him to head back to the hospital. It's barely half past seven when Alexis pushes him out the door.

"You don't think it's too early?" he asks nervously. She rolls her eyes.

"Just _go_, dad," she says. "And don't forget to bring her flowers."

Even with the morning traffic and a detour to a nearby flower store, he makes it to the hospital by eight. He has to pace himself as he walks through the halls, forcing himself not to break out into a sprint just to see her.

But when he arrives outside his door, he hesitates and stands back. Will she even want him there?

Oh- what if this was a mistake. He's just about to turn around and leave when a voice calls out to him.

"It's okay, dear. She's awake." He glances over to see the elderly nurse smiling at him. It's the same nurse who looked after Kate every day whilst she was asleep; the same nurse who brought them coffee early in the mornings, as he and Jim sat loyally by her bed.

He smiles at her appreciatively and pushes open her door, knocking softly to alert her to his presence.

"Oh!" She startles, dropping the book in her hand. Heat rises to her cheeks, turning them a deep red. "Hi."

"Do you… mind if I come in?" he asks, shuffling awkwardly at the door. "I mean, I don't have to, if you don't want."

She shakes her head in protest and waves him in. "No, no. It's fine." He presses his lips together and nods, glancing around the room for a moment before hesitantly taking a step inside. Eventually, he sits down on the chair beside her bed and places the flowers next to her, but doesn't speak. Instead, he eyes the book in her hand curiously.

_Heat Wave_.

"I'm sorry I didn't recognise you yesterday. You seemed familiar, but I didn't place it until my dad gave this to me," she says, holding up his book. "I really love your books, you know? You just… have a way with words. And the details; I don't think any other novelist gets them right like you do."

The feels the corners of his mouth turn upwards in a small smile, and he knows there's a twinkle his eyes. "You've actually never admitted that to me before," he says. "But, I'll try not to hold it against you too much."

At his words, her cheeks darken another shade.

"So… want to tell me how I know you?" she asks quickly, changing the subject.

He has to force himself to remain composed. He's not exactly how much he should give away. "I, uh, shadow you. At the precinct. For research."

"Research?"

"Uh, yeah," he says, and points to _Heat Wave_. "You know. For the novel."

"This novel?" she asks, holding his book up again.

"You didn't read the dedication?" A small frown forms between her brows, and she flicks back to the beginning of the book. Her eyes dart over the page, her mouth forming a small 'o' as she reads.

It's quite for a moment as she chews her lip, deep in thought. "So, what? I let you follow me around? Observe the way we operate?" she asks, disbelief filling her voice.

"I do more than just observe," he defends himself. "I'm helpful. Honest."

"Really?" she asks dryly, raising an eyebrow. "Tell me, then- what do you bring, as a civilian, to the NYPD that trained officers can't?" The words are like a knife to his heart. _A civilian_. Not partner, just civilian.

"Valuable insight into the human psyche," he forces the words past his lips.

A small smile plays on her lips, and she nods, amused. "For how long?"

He shrugs, trying to appear nonchalant. "About four years." She raises her eyebrows in surprise.

"Really? Four _years_? How much information do you need?" He tries to send her a smile, but he's sure it comes off more pathetically desperate that anything else. He wishes she would just _understand_.

"It's not just the one book," he tries to justify. "Two others have been published, and I've almost finished a fourth."

"And, what? You just decided you'd stick around after the first one?" He presses his lips together, and bows his head. This isn't the direction he wanted the conversation to go. After all, it isn't like he can declare his love for her when she doesn't even remember him.

"I like the job," he eventually offers. Her eyes narrow slightly, scrutinising him; she doesn't believe him.

"Did we… I mean, are we…" She pauses for a moment, and glances momentarily at his book. "How much of the book is true?" Her voice is curious.

Oh. She's asking about the sex scene, isn't she? Hm. How is he supposed to answer _that_?

"Uh," he mumbles. "That… was fiction." Technically, it's true. It _was_ fiction when he wrote it. She doesn't need to know it's not anymore.

"Was?" she asks, stubbornly searching for answers. Damn.

He presses his lips together for a moment, lowering his head as he thinks. "Kate-"

"Katie! How are you feeling?"

It's her father. He's never been so thankful for an interruption before.

"Uh- yeah. I'm fine, dad," she states. "I've got the all clear to go. Just been waiting on you."

"You're going home?" His tone is high with surprise.

"Yeah. Aside from the memory loss, there's nothing wrong," she replies, throwing her feet over the side of the bed. "I'm sure they can use the space for patients with actual problems."

"Kate, are you sure that's a good idea?" She silences him with a glare.

"I appreciate your concern, but I'm fine." Yeah. Like he hasn't heard that before.

But he simply presses his lips together and bows his head. "I suppose I'll leave you to it, then." He stands, shuffling around as he tries to hang around for just a moment longer.

"Why don't you come over for dinner tonight?" Jim suddenly suggests. His head lifts at the offer. Yes, he wants to. But-

"Dad-" Kate starts, but Jim waves her off.

"Nothing fancy," Jim continues. "But I can't stay for very long. I'm sure Katie would love the company."

"_Dad_." She clenches her jaw. "Stop."

"Katherine-"

"It's fine," he interrupts, shaking his hands. "I have plans tonight, anyway. And I should probably get going." They all know it's a lie, but thankfully no one questions it. He stands, and takes a few steps towards the door when he stops. "If you ever want to talk, or need anything, feel free to call. My number should be in your phone."

And without another word, he walked out of her room.

* * *

The minute he's out the door, her dad turns on her.

"That was no way to treat Rick," he scolds, as if she were a teenager. She rolls her eyes.

"I don't know him."

"Yes, you do. You've known him for four years," he states. "Rick's been right by your side for the past four years. He sat by your bedside every day while you were asleep. So the least you could do is be polite."

"It's not my fault I don't remember, okay? So just _stop_ with the guilt trip." She feels her blood boiling in her veins.

"As long as you understand what you're throwing away," he says, turning his back on her. "And _stop_ being so angry with everyone."

God, she does _not_ need this right now.

* * *

They remain in complete silence on the trip to her apartment. She's not even mad anymore, just confused, her father's words ringing in her head.

'_Rick's been right by your side for the past four years. He sat by your bedside every day while you were asleep… As long as you understand what you're throwing away.'_

She closes her eyes and lets her head fall back. God, she wishes _someone_ would be straight with her, instead of avoiding the truth and dropping hints in the hope she'll remember on her own.

She blows out a long breath and opens her eyes as she feels the car rolling to a stop. Thankful to be home, she reaches eagerly for the doorhandle as they pull up. But the moment she jumps onto the sidewalk, she frowns. "Where are we?" she asks, glancing up at the building in front of her.

An apologetic expression crosses her father's face. "Right. Sorry, I forgot," he says. "You had to move, after your last apartment was blown up."

"Blown up?" she says, her voice full of disbelief. "Are you _kidding_ me?"

"Look, I don't really know the whole story, but I remember you saying it had something to do with Rick's books. You should ask him about it." His tone is filled with suggestion. She narrows her eyes at him, but says nothing. Arguing won't solve anything.

Instead, she follows her father to the elevator, watches him press the button for the fourth floor, and waits as the box ascends to her new home.

* * *

When he finally makes it back to his loft a few hours later, he finds it empty. Thankful he doesn't have to put up a brave front just yet, he lets the mask he's been wearing fall of his face, surely revealing just how torn he's feeling.

Lifelessly, he drops his keys onto the table by the door and slouches as he drags his feet towards his study. He sighs as he sinks down into his desk chair, staring at his laptop. He has absolutely no inspiration for his novel, but he knows there's three weeks worth of emails just sitting in his inbox. Most of which are probably his editor demanding another chapter though, and he knows he should give them some explanation as to his latest disappearance.

He scrunches his face and pulls the laptop towards him, opening the lid and waiting as it loads.

The message pops up the moment he logs in.

_Next time she won't be so lucky. _


	6. Chapter 6

**6**

_Next time she won't be so lucky. _

"Kate…" he breathes. "Oh, _god_- Kate." He fumbles for his phone, growling when his fingers hit the wrong keys and he can't unlock it. He hastily flicks through his contacts until he finds her name, and he's just about to hit the call button when he pauses.

She won't understand. She doesn't know everything that's happened over the past few years; over the past _month_. There's no way she can even begin to comprehend the situation.

Panic races through him. He's completely unsure of what to do. Should he grab his keys and race over there himself?

No- Ryan. He should call Ryan. He'll know what to do.

He finds Ryan's name without any hassle and hits the call button immediately. He presses the phone to his ear, his knee bouncing impatiently as he listens to the dial tone drag on. "Come on… come _on_…" he mutters to himself.

"Ryan," the detective answers suddenly.

"Ryan! Please- I need your help," he says urgently. "I came home, and- my laptop. There was a message, about Kate. It- she- _help_."

"Whoa- Castle, slow down, man," Ryan says. "What happened? What about Kate?"

Castle sucks in a deep breath. "I got an email," he speaks slowly. "About Kate. It said, 'Next time she won't be so lucky'." He hears the sharp intake of a breath on the other end of the line. "Ryan, _please_. You have to help. I can't- she…" He squeezes his eyes shut. "She _has_ to be alright."

"Castle, just calm down, okay? Tell me- what's the date stamp on the message?"

"_Today_, Ryan. Just an hour ago." His veins run cold with realisation. "He's _watching_ her. Oh, god- Kate."

"Castle? It's okay. Just calm down," Ryan insists. "I'm going to call Holden and Tulley; they can go over and check out her place."

"No, I need to-"

"Castle, whatever you're thinking- _don't_," Ryan orders. "You can't just go barging over there, and neither can I. We aren't the detectives on this case, alright?"

"But Ryan- what if they're involved? This whole thing started with dirty cops, and we _know_ how deep this goes."

The silence across the line lets him know he's struck a chord. "Fine," Ryan gives in. "Meet me at her apartment. But once we're there, I have to call it in."

"Got it."

* * *

He makes it to her apartment in record time, and is just about to pull open her buildings' door when Ryan screeches to a halt outside, red and blue lights twirling on the roof of his car. Without a word, they sprint into the stairwell, too impatient to wait for the elevator, and take the stairs two at a time. He's just about to bang his fist against her door when Ryan grabs onto his hand.

"Stop." Castle raises an eyebrow at him. "Let me do the talking, alright? I'm the detective," Ryan adds when Castle opens his mouth to protest. He nods and moves to stand behind Ryan, who knocks lightly on the door. He hears the sound of footsteps slowly crossing the room before the door swings open, and they're greeted with the sight of Jim.

"Hey, Jim. I'm sorry to interrupt, but do you mind if we come in?" Ryan asks. The man shifts on his feet, hesitating.

"It's not that she won't appreciate you visiting," he starts, "But I'm not sure Katie is really up to any visitors at the moment."

"This isn't a personal visit," Ryan clarifies, his voice low. Jim stills.

"What happened?" Jim asks slowly, his gaze shifting from Ryan to Castle, and back again.

"Why don't we go inside?" Ryan suggests again. The man glances at the pair of them again before nodding distantly.

"Right, uh- sure." Jim stands aside to let them through, and Castle sends the man a tight smile as he passes.

As he follows Ryan further into her apartment, he glances around, but there's no sign of her. Panic builds up inside him. "She's just taking a shower," Jim explains, and leads them to his daughter's dining table. "So, what's this about?" he asks as he takes a seat.

Castle glances at Ryan, who simply nods in assurance. "I got an email," Castle starts. "Threatening Kate. I… I think they're going to go after her again."

Jim lowers his gaze to the table, focusing on his hands clasped tightly together. He lets out a long breath, but doesn't say anything.

"Look, Jim- I'm going to do everything I can to make sure nothing happens to her, okay?" Ryan promises.

"But that's not up to you, is it?" Jim says quietly, lifting his head. "The detectives on her case dropped by this afternoon, to ask Kate some questions. They're in charge- aren't they?"

Ryan sinks in his seat. "Technically, they are," he says begrudgingly. "But there's still things we can do."

"What can you do that they can't?"

"For starters, we can make sure she's never on her own," Ryan suggests. "It'll be harder for them to get to her."

"That didn't stop them at Montgomery's funeral," Castle interjects. It's blunt, he knows, but this isn't the time for sugar-coating.

"They changed their MO, though. They didn't try and attack her publicly."

"No. Instead, they broke in _here_," Jim snaps. "She shouldn't even be staying here- it isn't safe."

"But what _can_ we do? It's not like we can just ask her to pack up and leave without telling her _everything_," Castle reasons. "There's no way she'd go for that."

"So, what? We continue to lie to her?"

"It's not lying, exactly. It's just… she has so much else to process at the moment. With this on top of everything else, it might just be too much for her."

"And constantly being surrounded by people _isn't_ going to be too much?" Jim argues. "She's _not_ going to like this."

"Not going to like what?" Kate sounds. Three men snap their heads around to see Kate standing at the edge of her living room, glaring at them. "Well?" she says stubbornly.

"Katie…" Jim starts, but shuts his mouth when she strides towards them angrily.

"No- enough of this bullshit. I'm sick of these half-truths. So either tell me what's going on, or you can all get out of my apartment."

"Kate, it's not that simple…" Castle starts, but she cuts him off.

"Then _make_ it simple. Because I'm not a child, and I don't need protecting."

He lowers his eyes. He can't have this fight with her. Not again.

Especially when this time, it's so much easier for her to walk away if he betrays her.

He has to tell her.

"Alright," he whispers, his voice breaking. "Sit down, and I'll tell you."

"Everything?" she seeks his confirmation.

"Yes. Everything."

* * *

It's just them; her and Castle. Ryan had excused himself as she moved to sit, mentioning something about calling someone, and her father had done the same.

And Castle hasn't met her gaze yet. Instead, he keeps his eyesight firmly on the table as he sits in silence, contemplating whatever he's about to tell her. It's making her edgy, and she knows whatever they've been keeping from her must be _big_.

When he finally speaks, he keeps his eyes trained downwards. "You're not going to like any of what I have to say, alright? But you have to let me finish; explain everything." She nods eagerly, but he sends her a look. "I mean it, Kate. This… thing has almost torn us apart a number of times. And I _wish_ I had never looked into it in the first place, but I can't change that now."

"Castle- what's this about?"

He's silent for a long stretch before he finally lifts his eyes and meets her gaze. "It's about your mother, Kate."

Oh. _God_.

She shrinks back in her seat as betrayal floods her. "My mother," she repeats. "What did you do?" Her voice comes out as barely a whisper.

"I reopened her case," he answers. "I'm _sorry_, Kate. You have no idea how sorry. If it wasn't for me…" he trails off, and his gaze drops again.

"Just tell me, Castle."

He nods absently. "It wasn't just your mother. There were three others who were murdered around the same time, by Dick Coonan."

The air rushes from her lungs. "Dick Coonan?" she chokes. Was he-

"He was the man who killed your mother," Castle nods. "But he was just a hit-man."

"And… you caught him?"

"He's dead. You… shot him, because he was about to shoot me."

She bites her lip hard. The man who murdered her mother is _dead_, at her hands.

It's awfully relieving, but she's not sure exactly whether that's a good thing.

"Did you find out why she was killed?" she prompts, bottling her emotions. She needs the entire story.

"There were dirty cops involved, Kate. Three of them, who kidnapped mobsters for ransom. And one night, things went bad, and an undercover fed was killed. And somehow, she got tied up in it, and that's why she died."

She sucks in a long breath. "Where are they now? The cops?"

"Dead."

"And who are they?" Castle presses his lips together, and doesn't answer. "Castle- you promised you'd tell me everything."

"I'm sorry, Kate," he whispers. "Raglan was involved- the detective assigned to your mother's case. Another named McCallister, and…"

"And?" she prompts.

"Montgomery."

It hits her hard. Her Captain is _dead_. Her Captain was involved in her mother's _murder_.

Which is she supposed to process?

She furiously blinks back the tears that spring to her eyes. "Kate…" Castle breathes, and reaches for her hands, but she pulls them away.

"What else?" she questions.

"Kate-"

"What _else_, Castle?" she asks stubbornly.

He frowns, but continues. "Whoever's behind it sent someone after you. At Montgomery's funeral… you- you were…"

"Shot?" she finishes, raising an eyebrow. He presses his lips together, and looks at her carefully.

"You remember?" he asks, almost hopeful. _Why?_

"No," she replies. "But I have a bullet hole in my chest. It's not exactly something you'd miss."

"Uh, right," he says lamely. "You found him. The man who shot you. But, he got away."

"Got _away_? How the _hell_ did he get away?" she asks angrily, her hands fisting.

"Because, Kate- he's a ghost. It was a fluke you found him at all."

She runs a hair through her hair and squeezes her eyes shut. "Who is he?" she forces the words passed her lips.

"I don't know." Her eyes open and narrow at him. "I swear, Kate. I don't know. You didn't tell me. But, he's coming after you again. And _that's_ why I'm here right now, because they sent me a message threatening you."

"Why _you_?"

But he doesn't have the chance to respond. The front door swings open suddenly and Ryan and her father enter, followed by the detectives from earlier that afternoon.

"Sorry to bother you again Miss Beckett," Detective Holden apologises, "But Ryan called and informed us you'd been threatened."

She lets her eyes fall shut and leans back in her chair. It's just _never ending_.

"And what are you going to do about it?" she hears her father demand.

"We'll organise a protective detail for Beckett at all times, and amp up our investigation."

"That's not necessary," she interjects, standing to her feet. "I'm a trained cop. You can use the resources elsewhere."

"We make the final call, Beckett," Tulley sends her a look. "Your safety is our top priority."

She rolls her eyes. '_Top priority_.'

Like she hasn't heard that one before. Finding her mother's murder was once top priority, too, and she saw how that turned into nothing.

But instead of arguing, she simply walks away, leaving the men standing in her living room as she escapes to her bedroom.

* * *

"Are you _sure_ you'll be alright?" Castle repeats.

It's an hour later, now. Detectives Holden and Tulley left forty-five minutes ago, their brief visit indicating to her just how little they really care about her. Ryan followed not long after, as soon as the protective detail arrived. And just a few minutes ago, her father had said his goodbyes, too, saying he had an early meeting in the morning.

But Castle's still hanging around, trying to find excuses not to leave.

She can see it in his eyes how concerned he is. In some ways, she finds it comforting, knowing that at least there's _someone_ who wants her to be safe. But right now, she needs to be alone, because everything he told her just one hour ago is too much for her to handle right now, and she's not sure she can hold it together much longer.

"Yes," she insists. "Honestly. I'm the one with a gun, remember?"

He raises an eyebrow. "Do you even know where your gun is?" he asks instead.

She bites her lip. It's a good point; she hasn't got any idea.

The corners of his mouth twitch as he fights a smirk at her stubbornness and points to the table beside her bed. "It's in the bottom drawer."

This time, it's her turn to raise an eyebrow. "And you know this… how, exactly?" she asks curiously.

"I asked you once," he replies coolly. "For Nikki."

Right. Of course.

"I'll be fine." She says lamely. He nods.

"Just… don't hesitate to call me, alright? If something feels… off."

"Yeah," she says, but they both know she won't. He nods and lowers his head, angling his body towards the door.

"Right… well, if you're sure." His eyes flick up to hers for just a moment before he starts to exit.

Her heart twists. His gaze is full of concern. And it's not just a casual 'I hope you're alright' look, but rather 'It would break me if anything happened to you'.

She feels another twist inside her chest, and she realises- she needs to comfort him. Make sure he'll be alright, because she can't stand seeing him looking so upset. And it's breaking her heart that _she's_ the reason he looks like that.

But- oh. She doesn't know him. And that hits her harder than it should.

She wants to scream in frustration at the mixed signals.

"Castle?" she calls out hesitantly.

He pauses, his hand on the doorknob, and turns his head to look at her curiously.

"I- thank you," she stutters.

He gives his head a small nod and turns away when she flicks out her hand and catches his wrist.

"Castle- I really mean it. Thank you," she repeats. "For…" She sighs. "Just, thank you."

"Always, Kate." He sends her one last smile before he's out the door, and she's left in the harsh silence of her apartment.


	7. Chapter 7

**7**

A few days have passed since he's last seen Kate, and he hasn't been of any use since, his mind constantly wondering whether she's still alright.

The previous night, he'd been so distracted that he'd burnt dinner, forgetting to take the chicken out of the pan and instead turning it to charcoal. The morning before that, he dropped the pile of plates he was stacking away when a sudden rush of panic flooded his body.

And now, he was supposed to be concentrating on whatever movie Alexis had put in, but he couldn't focus. His knee was bouncing nervously, and he kept fisting his hands by his sides, trying to release the tension from his body.

"You need to _relax_, Dad," his daughter stresses, switching off the TV. "It's just a dinner."

He frowns. It wasn't _just_ a dinner. At least, not to him.

He's heading over to Lanie's apartment in just a few hours. She'd called him yesterday afternoon, inviting him over. Apparently, she was putting a little get-together for Kate, with just their group from the precinct (she didn't want to overwhelm Kate, after all). And, of course, he'd jumped at the chance to see her again.

But now that it was just a few hours away, he was feeling a little… apprehensive.

"But what if…" he trails off, flicking his eyes away from his daughter.

"What if… what?" Alexis asks.

He sighs. "What if she doesn't want to see me?" Alexis lets out a small chuckle.

"Like that's ever stopped you before, Dad," she laughs, patting him gently on the shoulder. "You really think she wanted you hanging around her all those years ago? No. But somehow, it's four years later and you're still in her life. So just be your usual charming self and make her fall in love with you all over again."

_Make her fall in love with you all over again_.

Now, _that_ was an idea…

* * *

He arrives at Lanie's apartment almost a half hour early, unable to contain himself within his apartment any longer. He hasn't intended to actually go in yet (maybe just wait out in the corridor a little longer?) but he hears _her_ voice floating out through the door, and knowing that she's right inside, he can't wait.

"Sorry I'm early," he apologises when Lanie opens the door and steps back, inviting him in. "I thought maybe you'd like a hand?" Lanie suppresses a smirk at his flimsy excuse, but thankfully doesn't comment on it.

"Don't worry about it- Kate's already here," she says, tilting her head towards Kate. She's relaxing on the couch, feet tucked up underneath her and a glass of red in one hand. "And I think we've got everything under control, but let me just go and check on it. Why don't you guys just talk for a moment? I'll be right back."

Subtle Lanie was not. But he was thankful for the moment alone with Kate.

He shuffles for a few moments before sinking down onto the couch beside her. "How are you?" he asks, cringing; it's too… formal.

"I'm good," she replies with a small smile. "Still don't remember anything, though."

His heart sinks a little. Of course.

"I finished re-reading your novels," she continues.

"Oh?" he asks, keeping his tone light as he raises an eyebrow.

"I couldn't put them down, actually." He chuckles, and watches as a light blush spreads across her cheeks. He's definitely filing this moment away into his memory, ready to bring out and tease her with it at the most opportune moment.

"I'm glad you enjoyed them," is all he says with a smile. "_Heat Wave_ is being made into a movie, actually."

"Really?" He nods.

"Yep. You're about to be immortalised on the big screen."

Something flashes through her eyes, and she shrinks back slightly.

Has he said too much?

"Kate-" She shakes her head.

"Sorry. I guess I just kind of… forgot," she explains. "That I was… Nikki. It'll take some getting used to."

"Yeah, you weren't exactly a fan of her in the beginning." Oh, he just can't keep his mouth shut tonight, can he?

"But, I grew to like it?" He shrugs.

"You never actually used the word '_like_'. The phrase 'used to it' was thrown around a lot. But, I think you secretly enjoyed it, and you were just too stubborn to admit it."

"Yeah, that sounds like me," she chuckles. "So- do I dare ask who Hollywood cast as Nikki Heat?"

"That would be one Natalie Rhodes."

She scrunches her face. "Who?"

"Oh- uh, right. I suppose she wasn't really well-known a few years ago…" Suddenly, he clicks his fingers. "Hang on- I'll show you." He digs into his pocket and pulls out his phone. Tapping in his password, he quickly googles Natalie Rhodes and clicks on the first image that pops up. "Here," he says, leaning in closer so Kate can see.

"Really?" she says dryly. "They couldn't find anyone better than her?"

"Oh, well, you know-" he cuts off as he turns his head and finds her face closer than expected, just inches from his. His breath hitches in his throat, and his eyes dart down to her lips.

Oh, how he misses those lips.

"More wine?" he says suddenly, his voice too high as he leans back and puts some much-needed space between them.

"Uh- please." He nods, grabbing the glass and pushing himself off the couch, dashing into Lanie's kitchen. The moment he enters, Lanie turns on him.

"What the hell are you doing in here?" she exclaims, sending him a pointed look.

"Getting Kate another glass of wine," he replies, holding up the empty glass.

"Well, hurry up!" Lanie ushers him. "I can't stay in here forever, and you're missing your chance."

He opens his mouth to protest, but shuts it upon seeing the look on Lanie's face. She's actually right, after all.

* * *

Oh, god.

The second Castle leaves the room, she sucks in a long breath of air, trying to clear her head. She presses a hand to her heart, trying to stop is from racing madly in her chest.

He looked as if he wanted to kiss her. And, if she were being honest, she _wanted_ him too.

She squeezes her eyes shut, confused. She doesn't even know this man…

And yet, one look has her heart beating madly.

She shakes her head and leans back into the cushions just as he walks back into the lounge. He holds out her glass and takes a seat on the couch beside her, leaving a little extra room between them then before. She tries not to scowl as she takes the glass.

"Thanks," she says appreciatively. "Lanie need anything?" He shakes his head.

"Nope. She's got everything under control."

She nods and bites her lip. "Actually, something Lanie mentioned earlier got me thinking. I was wondering wh-"

A loud knock on the door startles her, and she stops talking.

"Stay seated, sweetie- I'll get that!" Lanie calls out as she comes bustling out of the kitchen. "Ryan! Come on in."

"Thanks, Lanie," Ryan says as he enters. "Jenny sends her apologies- she came down with the flu. It's being going around her school."

"Oh, that's too bad," Lanie says. "You'll just have to take some leftovers home for her."

"Jenny's his wife," Castle explains as Ryan takes a seat beside her.

"Oh, congratulations," she grins. "How long have you been married?"

"Only six months," Ryan replies. "Actually, I have some pictures of the wedding on my phone, if you'd like to see them?" he asks. She can see the twinkle in his eye, and she smiles.

"Yeah, I'd love to."

Ryan pulls out his phone and, after some teasing from Castle, clicks into his wedding album. They flick through the photos for a few minutes- Ryan retelling stories about his big day- until they all freeze, and her breath catches in her throat.

It's a picture of her and Castle. They're dancing- quite closely, actually- and smiling at each other. They look as if they were… a couple.

She chews on her lips for a few moments before she can't help but lift her eyes and risk a glance at him. But he's already turned away and getting to his feet. "Excuse me," he mumbles. Her face falls as watches him step outside onto Lanie's balcony, but it's a few minutes until she follows him.

"Hey," she calls out softly, sliding the door shut behind her. "Everything alright?"

He turns to face her, but his body is still hunched over the railing as he leans against his forearms. "Yeah." He offers her a smile, but it doesn't reach his eyes. "I was just checking up on Alexis." He holds up his phone so she can see.

"Alexis?"

"My daughter," he explains.

Oh. He has a daughter.

Her heart sinks a little in her chest. "You… have a daughter?" she speaks slowly.

"She's amazing," he says, and this time his whole face lights up. "I was only twenty-two when I had her. I was still a kid, you know? But when the doctor handed her to me- god, Kate, it was the most amazing feeling in the world. She was so small, but she was _mine_."

"That's wonderful, Castle," she offers, glancing down at the ground.

"Her mother's never really been around much, though," he continues. "We divorced before Alexis was even five."

"You raised her on your own?" she asks surprised. She didn't exactly figure him for the hands-on father type.

"They were the best days of my life," he says with a smile. "She graduated from high school last month. Valedictorian."

"You must be very proud of her."

"Immensely." His voice is strong. "But, it's hard," he says, his voice suddenly soft. "She's an adult now, you know? An _adult_. She doesn't need me anymore."

"Castle, she's your daughter. However old she gets, she's always going to need you. You're her _father_; no-one can replace that," she tries to reassure him.

He lifts his head and looks at her. "Thanks, Kate."

She places her hand over his, and gives it a squeeze. "Always."

Suddenly, his expression changes. His eyes widen, and his mouth drops open. "Kate-"

"Guys?" a voice calls out behind them. They turn around to find Esposito standing by the open door, an apologetic expression on his face. "Dinner's ready."

* * *

She sneaks a glance at Castle out of the corner of her eye, only to see he's watching her carefully.

It's not the first time she's caught him staring during dinner. It's not even the fifth. It's probably more like the… tenth? Twelfth?

And every time she catches him, he doesn't shy away. Instead, a small smile plays across his lips, and he simply continues watching her until she blushes and looks away.

She knows it should be creeping her out by now (because, _seriously_- how many times does she have to catch him before he stops?) but it's not. If she's being completely truthful, it's… nice. And every time she catches him, her heart skips a beat.

Good lord- she really needs to get back in control over herself.

She also needs to find out exactly what was going on between them. And she knows the one person who can't help but interfere with everything.

* * *

It's another quarter of an hour before Lanie rises from the table, picks up an empty plate and makes her way into the kitchen alone. Sensing the opportunity, she grabs another plate of leftover food and follows her friend. She places the dish onto the countertop but makes no move to clean it, instead leaning against the edge and folding her arms.

"Lanie, can I ask you a question?"

Her friend nods absently as she moves around her kitchen. "Sure, sweetie. What's up?"

She bites her lip nervously. "This is going to sound odd, but… what's the deal with Castle?"

Lanie pauses her movements and glances over at her curiously. "What do you mean?" she asks carefully, as if afraid of the question she's about to be asked.

"I mean, I feel… It's just… Was there something going on between us?"

Instantly, she knows there's something her friends haven't been telling her. Lanie's eyes almost bulge out of her head at the question, and the corners of her mouth creep upwards, as if she's suppressing a smile.

"And what makes you say that?" Lanie eventually speaks, eyeing her carefully.

She lets out an exasperated breath. "Look, I don't really know how to describe it, but it feels like there's something between us. Or, at least there _was_, before I lost my damn memory."

Lanie sends her an apologetic look, nodding understandingly. "You and Castle… it's complicated."

"Come _on_- you've got to give me more than that."

"Kate, I'm sorry, but I don't really know what _is_ going on between you two," Lanie apologises. "Maybe you should talk to him about it?"

"And say _what_, exactly? 'Oh, hey, Castle! What's going on between us? Because I have all these feelings for you, but I don't know what to do with them, because I don't remember you!'" She exclaims. "Lanie, I have absolutely no idea what's going on with _anything_." Her voice breaks, and she feels traitorous tears spring to her eyes. She wipes them away furiously, embarrassed she's about to break down in the middle of her friend's kitchen.

"Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry," Lanie apologises softly, pulling her into a hug. She doesn't even have the energy to fight it, and instead lets her friend comfort her.

"Lanie- what do I do?" she whispers.

"You talk to Castle, sweetie. About everything."

"I don't know him." Lanie pulls back and looks her directly in the eye.

"You have feelings for him, though, don't you?" She pauses only momentarily before she nods. "Just talk to him, Kate. He's the person you need to speak to."

Yeah, she gets that. She just doesn't know how.

* * *

A few hours later, Beckett lets out a long breath and stumbles to her feet. "Alright, guys- I think I'm going to take off."

His face falls. She's leaving _already_?

"What? Beckett!" Esposito exclaims.

"Yeah! It's only eleven," Ryan adds. She chuckles as she grabs her coat off the back of the couch and shrugs it on.

"Yeah, well, if you lost your memory, you'd be pretty beat, too," she jokes. "Thanks for tonight, guys. I really enjoyed myself. No offense to my dad, but it was nice being around some different people."

The boys smile at her. "Anytime, Beckett," Ryan says.

Esposito nods in agreement. "Yeah, just give us a call if you ever want to hang out."

"Yeah. I'll do that," she says with a grin. "Thanks again, Lanie."

"No problem, sweetie," Lanie replies. "Give me a call sometime, and we'll grab coffee."

"Sounds good," Beckett replies. She pulls open the door, and gives them one last wave before stepping out. "Night, guys."

He sighs as he watches the door close softly behind her. When is he even going to see her again?

Oh- he should do something about that.

Barely a moment passes before he's pushing himself off the couch and racing out the door without an explanation. "Kate! Wait," he calls, racing down the hallway after her. She pauses before the open doors of the elevator and turns towards him.

"Everything alright, Castle?" she asks, raising an eyebrow. Her voice is laced with amusement, but he shrugs it off.

"Do you… have any plans tomorrow?" he asks.

A slight crease appears between her eyebrows in confusion. "I'm sorry?"

"Tomorrow. If you aren't doing anything… do you want to go out somewhere?" he suggests. His boldness suddenly disappears, and nervousness settles in as she stands silent before him. "If you're busy, that's fine. I completely understand. I just thought you might like some company, or something to do, because-"

"Castle," she interjects his rambling, a small smile playing on her lips. "I'd love to."

He blinks, somewhat surprised at her answer. "Oh. Really?"

She lets a small chuckle escape. "Yes, Castle. Really."

He sends her a wide grin. "Great. Be ready by 9. I'll bring breakfast."

She nods and presses her lips together for a moment as if contemplating something, before slowly leaning up and pressing a whisper of a kiss against his cheek. "See you tomorrow, Castle," she says softly before stepping back into the empty elevator, a smile on her lips.

He stands there for a full minute after the doors close, unable to wipe the grin from his face.

Because, tomorrow, he has a date with Kate Beckett.

* * *

_Just in case any of you are thinking it… I don't think Kate would have known about Alexis just because Castle was one of her favourite authors. She doesn't really seem like the crazy stalker type to me, does she? And I know _I_ don't know anything about the personal lives of my favourite authors._

_I hope you guys are still enjoying this =) I know a lot of you want her to recover her memories soon, and whilst I don't really want to give too much away… I think you might like the next chapter =)_

_And good or bad, I always love reading what you guys think, so drop me a little review if you have the time =)_


	8. Chapter 8

**8**

It's five to nine when he knocks on Beckett's door, coffee in one hand and a bag of pastries in the other. He shuffles on the spot as he waits for her to answer the door, trying to contain his enthusiasm; he gets to spend the entire day with _her_. He knows it's ridiculous, but he feels like a kid at Christmas.

After a minute, he's still standing in her hallway. He raises his fist and knocks again, a little louder this time. But another minute passes and there's still no response.

He sucks in a long breath, forcing air into his lungs. _She's probably just in the bathroom_, he reassures himself. No reason to panic just yet.

Pressing his ear to her door, straining to listen for a sign that she's fine, but he's met with nothing but silence. He reaches for the doorknob, rattling it, but it's locked.

He can't help stop the panic that floods through his veins now. He bangs his fist loudly against the door, hoping for the love of all things holy that she's fine. "Beckett?" he shouts. "Are you in there?"

He continues to knock, but there's no response. He drops his fist, and sizes up the door, unsure of whether he'd be able to tackle _this_ door like he did to her last.

He's all but taken a running start when the door swings open, revealing one very sleepy looking Katherine Beckett.

"I'm sorry, Castle. I forgot to set my alarm," she says with a yawn, and tries to rub the remnants of her sleep from her eyes. He expels a long breath he hadn't realise he's been holding and sends up a silent prayer that she's alright.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake-" he stops talking abruptly as his eyes run over her figure.

She's wearing a men's shirt.

Oh. Uh…

He diverts his eyes to the ground, embarrassed. "Uh- oh, I- I didn't-" Wait.

He glances at her shirt again.

That's _his_ shirt. From when she stayed at the loft after her apartment blew up.

He smirks.

"What?" she asks, raising a confused eyebrow at his grin. "Castle?"

"You always sleep in that shirt, Detective?" It's all too late when he realises what he's just asked. "I'm sorry," he quickly apologises. "I didn't mean… I- I forgot, about…"

"It's okay, Castle." She smiles, obviously amused by his idiocy, but he wants to slap himself; he can't believe he just asked her- an _amnesia_ patient- whether it's always something she does. It must still be too early for his brain to be functioning properly just yet.

"I'm sorry," he apologises again. "Really, I am. I just didn't realise you still had that shirt."

She frowns, and looks down at her attire. "What do you mean?"

"It's mine," he responds without thinking. Her gaze flies up to meet his, her eyes wide. "Oh- no," he fumbles. "You borrowed that shirt when you slept at my house. In the _guest_ room-" he adds, "After your last apartment was blown up."

Yep, he's really on a role this morning.

"Oh. I'll, uh- give it back?" He's not sure whether it's supposed to be a question, but he shakes his head anyway.

"No, no. It's fine. You keep it," he says. "You look better in my shirts, anyway." Oops.

"Shirts?" Oh, _damn_.

"Hmm?" he asks, feigning innocence. Her eyes narrow slightly, scrutinising him, before she shakes her head absently.

"Uh- nothing," she says. "Just… give me a few minutes to get ready."

* * *

It's another fifteen minutes before she deems herself at least somewhat appropriate and they're stepping out the door. "So… what's the plan for today?" she asks as she takes a sip of her coffee. She smiles to herself at the familiar taste; apparently, she still drinks vanilla lattes. At least that's one thing that hasn't changed.

"Can't tell you just yet, sorry," he says cheekily. The control freak in her opens her mouth to protest, but he's waving his hand to silence her. "I know, I know- you hate surprises. But, I think you'll enjoy this one."

"Castle…" she warns, narrowing her eyes and sending him a pointed look that just screams 'don't doubt that I'll shoot you'.

"_Relax_, Kate."

"Do I at least get a hint?"

He's silent for a moment, considering, before replying. "We have to drive there."

"What kind of hint is that?" she asks, frustrated at his appalling choice for a hint.

"A good one!" he defends.

"That I would have figured out as soon as we were outside."

"Well, I don't want to give anything away." Moments later, they're stepping out onto the street, and Castle directs them to his car- a black four-wheel drive that looks suspiciously like an FBI vehicle. As he goes to step around to the driver's door, she grabs his arm.

"Why can't I drive?" she asks stubbornly.

"Because, you don't know where we're going."

"So tell me."

"But that would ruin the surprise!" he whines childishly, and she rolls her eyes.

"Oh, _fine_, Castle." She pulls open the passenger door and jumps in. "This better be worth it," she mumbles under her breath as he slides in behind the wheel.

"Your lack of faith wounds me," he clutches his heart dramatically. She can't help but fight a smile at his antics.

Castle quickly fills the car with chatter about all the movies that have been released in the past five years that she just _has_ to re-watch. She grins as he recounts another plotline- this time from the latest _Mission: Impossible_ movie- when she glances out the window and frowns as the entrance for the Lincoln Tunnel rapidly approaches.

"Exactly how far are we driving, Castle?" she asks hesitantly, glancing over at him.

"About… an hour and half," he replies with a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders. Her jaw drops open.

"Castle- where are you taking me?"

"I already told you- it's a _surprise_," he reiterates. "Stop trying to ruin it!"

"You know, if we cross state lines, I could arrest you for kidnapping a New York City Detect-" she pauses, and twists her head to look out the window, avoiding his gaze.

"Kate?" Castle asks softly. "What is it?"

She lets out a defeated sigh. "I, uh- spoke to Gates the other day. The new Captain?" He nods. "I had to call the precinct and put in for some medical leave, and they put me through to her. She told me I… resigned."

Castle's grip on the wheel tightens, and he's silent for a moment as he considers what to say. "Yeah, you did."

"Why?" He lets out a sigh, and keeps his gaze focused determinately on the road ahead. "Please, Castle. Just tell me."

"You were going after… your sniper," he speaks carefully. "You both fought, and he won. And it made you realise that finding justice wasn't worth throwing your life away. So, you resigned."

She remains still as she lets the words soak in. "Just like that?" she asks. He opens his mouth, but closes it again, and shrugs.

"Yeah," is all he says.

It's a few moments before she speaks again. "Gates offered me my job back."

His face falls. "Wait- what?"

"There's still conditions," she continues, "I'd be suspended until the end of the month for disobeying orders. And if I were to go back, I'd be on probation for another month. Apparently, memory loss doesn't excuse whatever I did."

"Are you… thinking about it?"

She nods. "It's my job, Castle. I don't remember why I resigned, or what happened. What I _do_ remember is being a cop. It's who I am."

"Right," he says quietly. "Of course."

"She also said that if I wanted you as my partner still, you were free to come back too." His jaw drops.

"She actually _said_ that?" he asks, disbelief ringing in his voice. "She actually _said_ I could come back to the precinct?"

She scrunches her face. "What's so surprising?" Castle lets out a half-laugh.

"I'm not exactly her favourite person," he explains. "I may have… used my connections to threaten her into working with you."

This time, it's her jaw that drops. "Are you_ serious_, Castle?"

He shrugs. "I'd already done it once before, when… I first started following you." She knows what he means- when Montgomery was Captain- but thankfully he doesn't voice it. "Once Gates took over Homicide, she kicked me out, and so I _may_ have had the mayor… give her a persuading phone call."

She laughs. "You seriously wanted to be there _that much_?"

"Of course," he replies strongly.

She presses her lips together. "Would you… want to come back?"

He glances over at her, and she sees the desire in his eyes, but he responds hesitantly. "Do you want me there?"

"Yeah," she replies with a smile, and leans her head back against the headrest. "Partners, right?"

He grins. "Partners."

* * *

Thanks to light traffic, it's only just over an hour later until Castle is turning off the highway and she spots the large green sign. "Six Flags?" she asks, her eyes wide with surprise and excitement. "You're taking me to Six Flags?"

He grins. "Told you the surprise would be worth it." She lets out a breathy laugh, her smile wide.

"Do you have _any_ idea how long I've wanted to come here?"

"Well, I might have cheated a little," he admits. "You told me once how it's one of the things you've always wanted to do, but never gotten around to."

It wasn't long before they were parked, had their tickets paid for, and were intently studying the map, wondering where to begin.

"You're the one who's been here before, Castle. What do you recommend?" she asks.

He shrugs. "Well, we can start with the easy coasters and work our way up," he suggests.

"But then we'd be running all over the park," she points out.

"So?"

"So, wouldn't it be better to start in one area of the park and make our way around?"

"Geez- control freak much," Castel mumbles, earning him a backhanded slap on the chest.

"Hey! I am _not_ a control freak," she denies, although she knows she is. And judging by the look of amusement on his face, he knows it, too. "Just pick something then, Castle."

"Why don't we go for the opposite, then?" he raises an eyebrow, as if presenting her with a challenge. "The _tallest_ coaster in the world, the _fastest_ in North America- Kingda Ka!"

She rolls her eyes. "Castle, we just ate. Do you really want _that_ to be the first ride we go on?"

"Oh, I get it," he teases. "Your afraid."

Her jaw drops open. "Hey- I am _not_ afraid," she protests. He shakes his head.

"No, no- I get it," he continues, nodding thoughtfully. "Maybe there was a _reason_ why you've never been here. All talk and no game?"

She narrows her eyes at him and snatches the map from his hands. "Fine. Let's go." She's barely taken two steps when she feels his arm encircle around hers.

"It's this way, Beckett," he says, tugging her in the opposite direction.

* * *

She can barely hold herself upright, bending over and clutching her stomach as the tears streak down her face.

"Beckett, it's not funny," he whines. She opens her mouth to reply, but another round of laughter erupts from her lips.

"I-I'm s-sorr-ry," she forces through her laughter as she grabs onto the counter to stop herself from falling over. "Y-your… face!"

As it turns out, Beckett was right- taking on Kingda Ka after a large coffee and numerous pastries is _not_ a good idea. Hence the hilarity of their photo- his eyes and mouth squeezed tightly shut as he grips onto the safety harness for dear life and tries to hold onto his breakfast.

He scowls, and moves to walk away and sulk like a child when she reaches out and grabs his arm.

"Castle, wait," she says breathlessly. He lifts his head and slowly turns to face her, a pout surely still on his face. She still has a smile on her face, but her eyes are apologetic. "I'm sorry, but… can't you just let me have this? I…" she sighs and glances at the ground, dropping his arm in the process.

"Kate?" he prompts, concerned by her sudden change in mood.

Slowly, she lifts her eyes to meet his. "I don't remember anything else about you, Castle, and that might never change," she says sadly. "But this… this is something I will remember."

He presses his lips together, unable to tear his eyes away from hers.

"Please?" she says quietly, her eyes wide and glassy.

Defeated, he sighs, and takes out his wallet to pay for the photo. Because how the _hell_ is he supposed to resist when she's looking at him like that?

* * *

After they leave the store- Beckett grinning as she clutches their photo in her hands- they wander aimlessly through the park for a while as they search for a ride that Castle's stomach might handle.

"Are you sure you're feeling alright, Castle?" she asks again, concerned. "You look a little pale."

"I'm fine, Kate," he responds, but she's not convinced. Before she even realises what she's doing, she grabbing one of his hands in hers to hold him close while her other hand reaches up to run across his forehead.

"Castle, you feel a little… clammy. Are you sure you don't want to sit down and drink some water?" He doesn't respond, instead he's looking down at the ground between them. She asks again, tilting her head so it's closer to his eye line. "Castle?"

Suddenly, his head lifts in response to his name, and he's- oh. He's close. Very close, and he's the way he's looking at her- like he wants to just grab her and kiss her like there's no tomorrow- sends her heart racing.

She opens her mouth to speak, but the sound is trapped in her throat. As if she even knows what she's going to say. Because she knows that she _should_ tell him to stop looking at her like that- she's only just met him, for crying out loud- but she doesn't want to. What she _wants_ is for him to lean in and close the gap between them.

It's too much; too daunting. She takes half a step back, and presses her lips together, but doesn't break eye contact.

"Are you sure you're alright?" she speaks quietly.

He sighs. "Yeah," he says, disappointment lacing his voice. "Let's… keep walking."

She nods, but doesn't say anything. She wants to apologise- explain, maybe- but what is she even supposed to apologise for? Instead, she sighs and starts walking again, but keeps his hand clasped in hers.

* * *

She notices him as they're walking towards the exit late in the afternoon. Drawing in a deep breath, she tries to calm herself before speaking. "Castle… I think someone is following us," she speaks quietly.

His grip on her hand tightens immediately. "Where?" he asks.

"He's a few paces behind us; navy shirt, black hair." Castle nods turns slowly, as if he's taking in the park rather than trying to get a look at the man.

"Oh," he says suddenly, and all too casually.

"What?" she asks, raising an eyebrow suspiciously. When he doesn't respond, she grips his hand tighter. "Castle," she warns, using her best suspect voice. "Tell me what is going on. Now."

He looks at her guiltily. "I may have… hired a private detail to watch out for you," he explains slowly. She drops his hand instantly and takes a step back.

"You hired a personal security guard?" she exclaims, her eyes widening. He cringes.

"Not so loud, Beckett!" he says, trying to shush her. "And, he's more than just security," he justifies. "He's good. _Really_ good. Used to be Secret Service."

She wants to scream, because he's completely missed the point. "Castle- you can't do that."

"Why? Because you don't like it? You already have police protection following you, Kate, so why should this matter?"

"Why do I need extra security if I already have a police detail?"

"Because this whole thing started with dirty cops, Kate. There's no _way_ of knowing who might still be involved. And I'm _not_ going to lose you again."

She freezes, her breath caught in her throat. It's written all over his face- his concern, his fear, and his determination to protect her. And she knows she should be mad- she knows she has every right to be mad- but the look on his face washes it away, and replaces it with a warmth inside her.

She lets out a small sigh, and reaches her hand out for him, when the crack of a gunshot rings through the air.

She hits the ground before she even realises what's happening.

"Kate!" Castle cries from somewhere above her.

_Kate!_

She squeezes her eyes tightly shut, panic flooding her veins.

Hands encircle around her, lifting her from the cold concrete and holding her close, but her body is rigid.

_Stay with me, Kate. Please don't leave me_.

A hot burning pierces her chest, and she lets out a cry. She tries to double over- clutch at her chest- but she's being held too tight.

She struggles, trying to escape, but it's useless.

_Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate_.

She gives in, and lets the blackness overcome her.

* * *

_Oops. Not where this chapter was supposed to go at all. Hopefully, you all still like it, and don't worry too much! =)_


	9. Chapter 9

_So, I messed up the timeline a little in the last chapter. I've fixed it, and you can go back and re-read it if you like, but you don't really need to. Basically, just assume that the last part of the last chapter happened late in the afternoon, okay? =) I'll try not to make any more mistakes like that._

_And thanks for the amazing response! You guys are unbelievable =)_

* * *

**9**

The first thing she notices is the delicate hand running across her face. It's paired with a soft voice calling her name, but she doesn't want to answer it. She just wants to sleep.

Moving to roll over and drift back to sleep, she suddenly realises she's not lying in her bed. Instead of the usual soft mattress and silk pillows, the ground beneath her is hard and cold.

Her eyes spring open and she darts up, frantically searching the area around her for signs of where she might be.

"Kate?"

She snaps her head in the direction of the voice. _Castle_. What is he doing here?

"Kate?" he repeats. "Oh- are you alright?" Her mouth parts slightly and she slowly turns her head and takes in the scene. People are forming a circle around her, watching her intently. She can hear a roaring noise behind her, and a scream, before suddenly a coaster flies by on its tracks.

Six Flags.

"Kate?"

Her chest seizes up, and she clutches at her heart. There was a gunshot. She was shot. There was blood on her hands.

But when she looks down, there's no blood on her shirt. She frowns, and lifts her head to meet his gaze, her eyes full of question.

"It was just a blank, Kate," Castle says quietly. "Some idiot kid brought it in with him."

She shakes her head. "There was… _blood_," she stresses.

"No, Kate. It was just… a panic attack. You're safe." He runs a hand across her face again, but she shakes him off.

"You said…" She trails off in realisation.

She's not in her dress uniform.

The ground beneath her is concrete, not grass.

She wasn't shot. This time.

She squeezes her eyes shut, and clutches at her heart. It was her shooting. God- of all the things she has to remember, _why_ does it have to be her shooting?

She sucks in a deep breath, trying to slow her racing heart. _There's no danger_, she tells herself. _There's no danger_.

"Kate?" Castle's voice is quiet in her ear.

He loves her. He told her he _loves_ her, a _year_ ago, when she was lying on the grass and bleeding from a bullet in her chest.

Her eyes fly open. "Take me home, Castle," she demands. "We need to talk."

* * *

The drive back to the city is a complete 180 from the one that morning. Instead of chattering about anything and everything, they sit in absolute silence. The tension is thick, but neither are game enough to break it. And for that, she's thankful; she needs some time to wrap her head around everything before she starts questioning him.

Darkness falls over them long before they're driving through the busy Manhattan streets, so she doesn't even notice they aren't in her neighbourhood until Castle has already parked the car. "Where are we?" she demands, glancing up at the buildings around them.

"My apartment."

Anger boils inside her. "Castle, take me _home_."

"No."

"Castle-"

"Don't argue with me, Kate," he says fiercely. "Last time you started having panic attacks, you spun out of control. I'm not going to let that happen again. You're staying here, and that's _final_."

She blows out a frustrated breath. This has gone on long enough. She just wants answers. Now.

She leans over him and yanks the keys from the ignition before promptly opening her door and storming into the building. She hears him scrambling to get out of the car behind her, his feet scuffling across the sidewalk, but he follows in silence.

It isn't long before they've ridden the elevator up to his floor and he's opening the door to his apartment. She doesn't even get a chance to take it all in because as soon as the door is shut, she turns on him, fire in her eyes.

"You're going to tell me everything," she demands. "Starting with what the _hell_ was going on between us."

He drops his gaze to the floor. "Kate…"

"No. Enough of the bullshit, Castle. Or I walk out of here right now and I don't come back."

Her warning gets through to him, because he's quickly closing the distance between them and grabbing onto her shoulders, trying to keep her from leaving.

"Castle- let me go," she says, struggling against his grip.

"Not until you tell me you're staying right here. Not until you promise me you won't run again."

She brushes off the accusation. "Castle," her voice is low with warning, but he shakes his head.

"No, Kate. Swear to me."

"Fine," she says, forcing his hands off her and taking a step back. "Start talking."

He runs a hand through is hair, frustrated. "Where do you want me to start?"

"Were we together?" she asks bluntly.

There's a long stretch of silence before he lets out a sigh and answers. "Yes."

She feels her heart skip a beat in her chest; everyone had already all but confirmed it, but it's different actually hearing it from him.

"For… how long?" He shifts his stance and glances away. "Castle?"

"A day," he speaks quietly.

She flinches, and raises an eyebrow in confusion. "What?"

"You heard me. One day," he restates, meeting her gaze. "The night before you were attacked, you came over. And then twenty-four hours later…" She had her head bashed in and lost her memory. Right.

"I take it that's not the answer you were expecting?" he asks. She slowly shakes her head. "What do you remember, Kate?"

She presses her lips together and averts her gaze, scared of how well he knows her. "I remember... the day I was shot."

"Oh," he breathes. "You were having a flashback at the park, weren't you? Not just a panic attack."

She nods sadly. "Yeah," she whispers. His whole body sags, and he drops onto his couch, squeezing his eyes shut. She watches him from a distance until her heart begins to ache at the sight of him. Moving towards him, she takes a seat close beside him and gives his hand a gentle squeeze. She _needs_ to help him, but… she just doesn't know _how_.

"Castle?" He opens his eyes, and looks at her. "Will you… tell me everything? The whole story? _Our_ story?"

At her words, he sends her the sweetest smile, and she feels as if her heart is about to burst with happiness.

* * *

They're standing in his room now, and she doesn't like the distance he's put between them.

They'd curled on the couch for hours as he'd recounted the past four years, from the days where she'd wanted to shoot him, to their 'undercover' kiss, and all the way to her moment of realisation. But when her eyes began to droop and a yawn escaped her lips, he said it was enough for the day.

So now she's standing by his bathroom, clutching a spare pair of his clothes in her hands- something to sleep in. Apparently, when he'd said she isn't leaving, he'd meant it. And she admits the fight she put up was pretty half-hearted, because the last thing she wants to do is head back to an empty apartment that feels nothing like home.

But he's across the room, all the way over by the door, about to leave. And she doesn't want him to. She wants him to stay, here, with her. Especially with the way she's feeling right now, after everything he's told her.

"You don't have to sleep on the couch, Rick." She glances at his bed. "Just… stay."

"I don't think that's a good idea, Kate," he responds, backing up another step and resting his hand on the doorknob. She lowers her head to the ground and nods in acceptance, trying to stop the rejection from seeping in. "Don't hesitate to wake me if you need anything," he offers.

She sends him a small, appreciative smile. "Yeah. Thanks."

"Night," he says quietly before softly closing the bedroom door, leaving her alone in the silence of his room.

She stands still for a moment, hoping he'll come back in, before her shoulders slump and she shuffles towards the bathroom. She goes through the motions of washing her face and brushing her teeth before flicking off the light and sinking down onto his bed. She's just about to slide under the covers when it catches her eye.

Her father's watch.

It's perched on his nightstand, lying on its side so she can see the hands ticking. She picks it up and runs her fingers across the face.

Apparently, there were a few things Castle left out of his story, because there's no doubt in her mind that if her father's watch is here, it's only because _she's_ been here. And that was something he definitely did _not_ mention.

She lets out a defeated sigh and places it back where she found it. She'll deal with that tomorrow. For now, she slips under the covers and lets her head fall back onto the pillow.

* * *

After tossing and turning on the couch for an hour and half, he lets out a huff and sits up.

His mind is racing with the events from the day. Aside from a few moments where her inner control-freak had presented itself, she had been so… _open_. She'd laughed at him, shared stories with him, held hands with him. And then…

The shot. The flashback. The panic attack.

And even though it had been brief, he was still on edge. He'd seen last year what the case with the sniper had done to her. She'd been very close to completely losing herself, but the most he'd been able to do was help her from the sidelines and give her space.

But he knows there's no way he can do that again. Because right now, even though she's only two doors away, he's stomach is sick with unease.

A low groan escapes his lips. He's being ridiculous- there's absolutely no _need_ for him to be worrying about her.

But, maybe he could just… check on her?

Yeah. She'd never have to know.

The blankets fall off his shoulders and land quietly on the couch as he rises up and tiptoes quietly across his living room. The door to his study swings open softly, and he's halfway across the room when a thought crosses his mind and he stills. What if she's still awake?

Carefully creeping up to his bedroom, he gently presses his ear against it as he listens for any sign that she's still awake (because he just _knows_ going in there if she is will end up with him getting shot). But when he's met with nothing but the sound of silence, he slowly turns the doorknob and eases the door just enough for him to peak his head in through the crack.

He lets out a relived sigh. She's fine, lying peacefully on her side, facing away from him.

"Castle?" she calls out sleepily, and rolls towards the open door.

Oh, _no_. He's busted.

"What are you doing?" she asks, sitting up.

"I- uh, I-" he trips over his words, unsure of exactly what he can say that won't end up with his body in a morgue. "I, uh- just… wanted to make sure you were alright," he responds. He cringes, waiting for the fury, but it doesn't come.

"You can't sleep?" she asks.

He shakes his head. "No."

"Yeah, me either," she admits, letting out a defeated sigh.

"Everything… alright?"

He waits patiently and watches as she opens and closes her mouth, gathering her thoughts. In the end, she shakes her head. "Rick…" Her voice chokes, emotion bubbling, and she reaches up to swat at her face.

Oh- she's crying.

He's by her side in a second, crawling into the bed and wrapping his arms around her. Her cries are loud and free now, sobs racking through her body. His heart tears inside his chest, and he hugs her tightly, because he's never seen Kate Beckett this vulnerable. "It's okay, Kate. It's okay. It's okay." He repeats it over and over (for her or for himself, he's not sure) as her tears soak through her shirt.

"It's okay, Kate," he whispers.

He doesn't know how long they stay like that- her face pressing into his chest as he holds her close- but he doesn't know what else to do. He's never seen her so… tortured. And he can't even begin to imagine what she's feeling right now; can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to be thrown into a world you don't know with people you don't recognise.

Eventually, her sobs subside, but he doesn't dare to move. Instead, he presses his face into her hair and keeps her close until she's ready.

"Every time I close my eyes, I'm lying on the grass again," she whispers, playing with the button on his shirt. "Just lying there, with a bullet in my chest. And then… you're there. And you tell me-"

"Kate…" he cautions.

"-that you love me," she finishes. She swipes another tear from her cheek and peers up at him from under her lashes. Her eyes are glassy from her tears, and they lock onto his gaze for a few moments before they drop to his lips. She reaches up and presses a hand to the side of his face, and suddenly her lips are on his.

It's barely a whisper of a kiss, and it leaves him frozen. But when her lips start to move feverishly against his, he gently pushes her back.

"Kate, this isn't what you want."

"I want _you_."

Oh, god. She's really trying to kill him.

"Not like this, Kate."

"Please, Castle," she begs quietly, her voice desperate. "Please?"

"I can't, Kate. I can't."

"Don't you still love me?" she whispers, pressing her body against his.

"Kate, I _do_…"

"Then make love to me."

Her lips are back on his before he has a chance to protest. He feels her hands fist in his shirt, pulling him close, but he grips her arms and pushes her away.

Hurt and rejection flash through her eyes, but he hugs her to his chest and presses his lips to her forehead, leaving them to linger there as he speaks. "I love you, Kate," he whispers. "I love you _so_ much. Don't ever doubt that. But, I can't, Kate. Not tonight." He feels a tear drop onto his chest, and it hurts, because _he_ did that to her.

"Will you at least stay?" she asks. His heart breaks at the timidness to her voice.

He shouldn't. He knows he shouldn't, because if she pulls another stunt like this, he's not sure he'll be able to stop.

But he also knows he can't leave, not only because she needs him, but also because he needs _her. _

* * *

_So, I don't know what to think about this chapter. It just doesn't feel right. So, I'd love to know not only what you liked, but if there's anything you didn't like, I'd love to hear that too =)_


	10. Chapter 10

_Thank you all SO MUCH for all your feedback! I hope I managed reply to everyone with an account (and I'm sorry if I missed you), because I just really wanted you guys to know how much I appreciate it. I think I'm just having problems with the two very conflicting types of feedback. Half of you seem to want her memory to return straight away, and the other half want to wait and see how it plays out. I guess I'm going to speed the story up a little, because if I leave it any longer it'll start to drag, but we'll just see what happens. _

_As for her personality… this last season has been very different than the previous three, because even though she's still been closed off, she's been more open at the same time. I think it's partly due to character development over time, but also because we've been able to see a completely different side to her through her therapist's eyes. She's only human, after all. And she has broken down in front of Castle before (in Rise). Ugh… I don't know. _

_So, I've tried to address some of the problems with the last chapter in this one, but I didn't get manage to get to everything because it wasn't flowing properly. But I still hope you enjoy it! _

* * *

**10**

It's late when he wakes the following morning, a loud knock resounding on his front door. He opens his eyes, but quickly squeezes them shut again; the sunlight is well and truly streaming through the windows by now. He groans, and goes to roll over and press his face into the pillow when he realises there's an arm around his waist.

Last night comes flooding back to him, concern and guilt sitting low in his stomach. She hopes she understand why he turned her down (and, really, he should really get an award for that, because who can refuse Kate Beckett?) It just… wasn't the right timing. She was completely vulnerable, and he didn't want to hate her for taking advantage of that.

Still, he knows it's going to be awkward when she wakes. But at least she's still here, in his bed, safe.

The knock sounds again, more persistent this time. He glances at the clock- it's nearly ten. He sighs at the lack of early morning excuse to yell at whomever is at his door.

Without disturbing her, he gently lifts her arm and removes it from his stomach. He slips out of bed and tiptoes across the room, easing the door shut behind him.

He opens the door just as another knock sounds. "Jeez! Give me a minute," he exclaims before realising he doesn't know the two men standing in the hallway. "Can I help you?"

"Yes, Mr Castle. We're looking for Kate Beckett." Alarm bells ring in his head.

"I'm sorry, but she isn't here," he says cautiously, shifting his stance so he's blocking more of the doorway. He straightens, too, hoping he looks more imposing, but he knows that if it came down to a fight, he wouldn't last ten seconds when it was two against one.

"Mr Castle, we're part of Beckett's security detail," the first man explains, and they flash their ID's. Officers Johnson and Kurt. He blows out a breath as relief washes over him.

"We received a phone call from Detective Ryan a few minutes ago when the M.E. was unable to contact her," the second man explains. "Yesterday, we followed you both here from Six Flags amusement park, and the night watch says she hasn't left the building since. Would you like to revise your statement?"

He presses his lips together, embarrassed. This was just fan-_tastic_. "Uh, yeah. She's here, and she's fine," he admits. "But listen- can you please not tell Ryan about this? Because, it's not what you think, and I don't want anybody getting the wrong idea."

God- why is he even explaining himself to them?

"Mr Castle, we're going to need to speak with Beckett ourselves," the first man- Officer Johnson- requests.

"Seriously?" They both nod. "Why? You obviously don't think she's in any danger by being here, otherwise you wouldn't have sat outside all night."

"Mr Castle, we're going to ask you one last time-"

"Fine," he exclaims. "Just wait here. She's _asleep_," he stresses when they move to follow him in. Thankfully, they agree, and remain by the open door.

He rolls his eyes as he crosses the living room before sitting down on the bed beside her. "Kate," he calls softly, gently shaking her. "Kate, wake up."

She rolls over slowly, blinking in the early morning brightness. "Hmm?" she mumbles sleepily, and rubs a hand across her eye.

"I'm sorry to wake you, but- uh… your protective detail is at the door. I think Lanie and Ryan may have overreacted slightly when you didn't pick up the phone this morning," he explains.

"Oh, god…" she groans, pressing her face back into the pillow.

"They said they wanted to actually see you." She lets out another groan, and he chuckles. He brushes the hair away from her face as he continues speaking. "You might want to get up now… I wouldn't put it past them to barge in here."

"I'm going to _kill_ Lanie," she mutters.

* * *

"I've never even heard of this place," he comments, eyeing the bar cautiously.

After Beckett's detail had finally left, satisfied that she was in fact all right, she had called Lanie back. After much threatening, Kate had finally calmed down enough to agree to meet Lanie and the boys after they knocked off work for a drink. And seeing as Beckett didn't remember The Old Haunt, they'd ended up at a bar she had apparently used to frequent back when she first joined the Academy.

"Well, it's a cop bar, Castle," she points out. "Not really your crowd." He nods and pulls open the door, standing aside to allow Beckett to enter before him.

Entering a few steps behind her, he notices it instantly; the eyes of every male in the room turn and look her up and down as she shrugs off her coat and leans against the bar. He frowns, but can he really blame them? This is a _cop_ bar, after all, and most cops do _not_ look like Kate Beckett.

He slides up beside her and leans in close to whisper in her ear, even though the crowd isn't loud. "What would you like to drink?" he asks, resisting the urge to lean in and plant a kiss on her lips. She turns her head and raises her eyebrow, obviously amused, but doesn't comment on his behaviour.

"A beer is fine," she replies, pulling back slightly. Fighting a scowl, he masks his expression; they've taken such a step back from yesterday. And although he knows she just needs some time to work through everything, when she's dressed in tight skinny jeans and black knee-high boots, he can't seem to help himself.

"What can I get you guys?" the bartender asks suddenly, a smile on his face as takes in Beckett.

"Two beers," he interjects before the man gets any further ideas. It works; he nods and holds up his hands as he moves away to fetch their drinks. He resists the urge to smile at his small victory and glances over at Beckett, who's rolling her eyes and muttering something that's most likely insulting under her breath.

* * *

He should have expected their friends to turn on them the moment they had slid into the booth, no doubt hearing that Kate had spent the night at his. Thankfully, one threatening look from Beckett had wiped the smirks off their faces, and somehow they'd managed to behave themselves for the past hour.

"Want another drink, Castle?" Beckett asks before downing the last of hers. He nods, and moves to stand when she presses a hand to his shoulder and pushes him back into his seat. "Stay- I'll get it." He opens his mouth to protest, but she's already moving away. And he doesn't mind one bit that he gets to watch her walk away.

He returns back to the conversation, but when she still hasn't returned a few minutes later, he gives in to the urge to look for her. Twisting his neck in his seat, he lets his eyes wander along the line of patrons standing at the bar, searching for Beckett.

He spots her towards the other end of the bar, chatting animatedly with a guy standing beside her. He watches them for a moment longer before he turns back to their table and tries to keep the scowl off his face.

But when she still hasn't returned after another few minutes, he begins feeling tense. He turns in his seat to see her still talking with the man by the bar.

He doesn't know what to do. They never talked about what happened last night, instead avoiding it like everything else, but he felt as if things were… different. Better, as if they were getting their relationship back on track. And seeing her off talking with another guy was making him sick.

Suddenly, the man clutches her arm gently and leans in to whisper something in her ear. Apparently, whatever he said was amusing, as Beckett throws her head back in laughter.

He's seen enough; it's time to intervene.

He pushes himself out of the booth and pushes his way through the now crowded bar as he determinately makes his way over to Beckett. He's only a step away from her when she turns suddenly, as if sensing his presence. She opens her mouth to say something, but he quickly interjects before she has the chance.

"Just wanted to make sure you're alright; you've been gone an awful long time," he speaks, placing a hand on her shoulder and leaning in close to her. Beckett frowns at the motion.

"Castle, what are you doing?" she asks, her tone full of annoyance.

"I told you- just checking up on you," Castle says innocently whilst trying to subtly move in between Beckett and the man in the seat beside her. She narrows her eyes at him.

"Go back to the table," she warns.

"Yes. Let's," he agrees, running his hand down her arm until it catches in her elbow. He gives her arm a gentle tug, but she pulls it from his grasp.

"Kate, it's alright. I should be going anyway," the man says.

"No, you don't have to-" she starts, but the man waves her off casually.

"I'll give you a call sometime this week," the man says with a smile. Wait- what?

"You'd better," Kate says, flashing the man a wide smile.

The moment they're alone, Beckett turned to him and shoves his shoulder roughly.

"Castle, what the hell was that?" she demands, fury blazing in her eyes.

"I should be asking you the same question!" he exclaims.

"_Excuse_ me?" she asks, her jaw dropping. "What exactly are you accusing me of?"

"Well, you seemed to be awfully friendly with Mr 'I'll give you a call'," he says mockingly.

"It's none of your business!"

"The hell it isn't."

"Castle, _you're_ the one who didn't want _me_," she chokes, tears spring to her eyes.

Oh, god. She has it so completely wrong.

"Kate…" he reaches out, but she pulls away before he can touch her.

"Just… no." She shakes her head and walks away, leaving him standing alone.

* * *

She'd sat back down at the table after their fight. She had wanted to walk out, but when she went to grab her coat, her friends had obliviously started recounting another story.

She'd also expected Castle to leave, but when she stands to grab another drink a half hour later, she spots him at the far end of the bar. Her heart sinks in her chest at the sight of him, his head hanging low as he hunches over a drink.

She's by his side before she even realises she's on her feet. "Hey," she speaks quietly, pulling out the stool beside him. She bites her lip in anticipation, but he doesn't look up and acknowledge her. "I'm sorry," she apologises.

"What do you have to be sorry for, Kate?" he asks, his eyes still refusing to meet hers. "I'm the one who acted like a jackass. You're not… I mean, you're free to see whoever you want."

"Do you really think that's what I want?" she asks quietly. "Do you really think I would come here with you and then just leave with another guy?" When he shrugs, she feels her heart tear inside her chest and the urge to walk away overwhelm her.

Instead, she presses a hand to his cheek and forces him to look at her. "He wasn't just some random guy I was going to take home, Castle," she says. "His name was Jack Spencer. He was in my academy class when I first joined the force. I hadn't seen him in years, but he heard about what happened to me. It was just… nice, to see a familiar face, when everything else is so different."

He closes his eyes. "Kate, I'm sorry," he whispers. "I shouldn't have interrupted."

"That's not the point I was trying to make," she says, and reaches out to clasp his hands in hers. "I mean- I just-" she lets out a long breath. "I don't want to be with anyone else, Castle. I just want you."

His eyes fly open and meet hers, but he doesn't speak.

"Castle… I don't remember you, but I have all these feelings, and I- I'm confused. Because you'll smile at me and you'll hold my hand, but then something like last night happens, and…" she breaks away, dropping her gaze. "Do you not want me?"

"Oh, Kate. Of course I do," he says earnestly. "But I just want you to remember."

"I want that too, Castle. You have no idea how much I want that," she whispers. "But you have to understand that I might never remember," she says solemnly. "And what exactly are we supposed to do in the meantime? Just sit around and wait, hoping that I mightsomeday remember? I don't want to put my life on hold, Castle."

Silence stretches between them for a long moment before Castle speaks up quietly. "So, what do you want to do?"

"I want you to kiss me."

It's barely a second before his lips are on hers. Her eyes flutter shut as his hands snakes around the back of her neck, holding her close. She reaches out to fist his shirt in his hand when it hits her.

Their first kiss. That night, in the street.

Oh.

It was pretty hot.

She breaks away as a small bubble of laughter, and feels a light blush spread across her cheeks. "I'm sorry," she chuckles. "I just, ah- remembered the first time we kissed," she explains. "I know you told me about it, but… it's different, having the emotions to go with the memory."

"Oh," he says quietly. "Oh! You _remember_?"

"It was pretty damn _good_," she admits, a smile breaking free.

"Oh, _really_." He peers at her intently, raising an eyebrow. "How_ interesting_."

She laughs at his teasing, and gives him a backhanded slap. "Shut up." He just grins at her. "You know… I really don't feel like staying," she says in a low voice. She peers up at him and runs her fingers across the back of his hand.

"I'll- uh, I'll get your coat," he replies, his voice strained. She smiles as he walks away before she stands and begins pushing her way through the crowd towards the door. She's barely taken a few steps when she feels someone bump into and a cold drink spill down her side, soaking her. She clenches her jaw and spins around to face the person beside her.

"Sorry," the man says, not sounding the least bit apologetic. "I wasn't watching where I was going."

She suppresses a groan; what a way to ruin her night. "Yeah," she says bluntly.

"At least let me buy you a drink to make up for it?"

She shakes her head. "No, I'm leaving anyway."

"Oh, come on! Just one drink." She opens her mouth to protest- because she really just wants to get out of here- when Castle shouts out loudly behind her.

"Hey! Get away from her!"

She turns to Castle angrily- because he doesn't need to be quite so dramatic- but he's not looking at her. His gaze is trained on the man beside her, his face red with fury as he pushes through the crowd.

Suddenly, a glass shatters, and the man beside her sprints towards the exit. "Hey! Stop!" Castle calls out. "Stop!"

The commotion he's causing must have alerted Ryan and Esposito, because they're jumping from their seats and racing after him. "NYPD! Stop!"

She freezes for a few moments as she watches them race after the man before something inside her snaps, and she chases them. She's barely out the door before Castle's hand is around her waist and he's pushing her back inside.

"Get inside, Kate!" he says urgently. "Stay inside!"

"Castle, what's going on?" Her heart is racing in her chest. "Who is that?"

He turns to her, fear in his eyes.

"Kate… that was the man who shot you."


	11. Chapter 11

_A bit of a filler chapter. Ugh. Sorry. Hope it's still enjoyable. _

* * *

**11**

The moment the words leave his lips, she freezes before him. "Kate?" he asks, watching her closely as if she'll fall apart.

She doesn't. Instead, rage takes over her. "How the _hell_ did he get in here?" she demands.

"I don't-"

She's moving suddenly, trying to get around him and out the door. "Kate, no," he says, gripping her tighter.

"Castle, I have to help the boys," she says, prying at his arms, trying to get away.

"No, Kate."

"Castle-"

"No!" He knows he's creating a scene- heads are turning towards them- but he doesn't care. Instead, he all but drags her away from the door and moves towards the back of the bar. "Kate, don't fight me on this," he says as he approaches a wide-eyed Lanie.

"What's going on?" Lanie asks.

"Call Gates," he orders. "Kate's… the sniper was just here."

He hears Lanie curse under her breath as she fumbles for her phone, but his attention has shifted again to Kate, who is now still.

"Kate?" he asks quietly, concerned. She looks up at him, but her eyes are distant. "What are you thinking?"

Her hands reach up to cling onto his shirt. "I…"

"Do you remember something?" he asks.

She shakes her head. "No, but… I think I've seen him before."

"Yeah, you have. You and Esposito went after him, the day before…" you were attacked, he finishes silently. "And you fought, but he got away."

She shakes her head again, more persistent. "No, I mean- I've seen him recently," she clarifies. "I just… can't place it."

He presses his lips tightly together as a wave of anxiety rushes through his veins. Her sniper has not only been watching her, but he's also been close enough so that Kate remembers seeing him.

"Gates is on her way, Castle," Lanie says quietly. "She's calling, uh- Captain Michael Terrance? She's furious the protective detail he assigned her haven't been doing their jobs properly."

He sends her a stiff not and a tight, appreciative smile. "Thanks."

Ryan and Esposito burst through the door at that moment, Ryan shouting into his phone and Esposito looking pissed as hell.

"What happened?" he asks desperately.

"The son of a bitch got away," Esposito growls. "Disappeared into the crowd."

His heart sinks in his chest, and he feels Beckett's grip on his shirt tighten just a fraction, from fear or anger he's not sure.

"When he was talking to you, what did he say?" Castle asks Beckett, but she shrugs.

"Nothing really. He spilt his drink on me, and offered to buy me one as an apology."

"Backup's on the way," Ryan says as he pockets his phone. "I'm going to outside meet them."

"I'll come with you, bro," Esposito offers. His partner nods.

"Stay inside," Ryan warns Beckett as he turns his back.

* * *

The area is deemed clear after a half hour of searching for the sniper to no avail. They're standing on the street now, a team of uniforms surrounding them as they give their statements to Detectives Tulley and Holden and their Captain- Michael Terrance. He's trying to focus on what they're saying, but he can't help zone out, instead watching Beckett carefully. Considering the incident at Six Flags the previous day, she's keeping herself together remarkably well, but the fierce grip she has on his hand is worrying.

"What the hell is going on?" a voice demands.

He turns to see Captain Gates marching angrily towards them, fury blazing in her eyes.

"Is that Gates?" Beckett asks quietly as she takes in Gates approaching figure.

"The one and only," he mutters in response.

"Why have I just received a call from one of our M.E.s informing me the man _you_ are supposed to be searching for was just talking to the detective he's been trying to get to?" Gates questions Terrance.

"Victoria-"

"No! You said you put your best team on this, Michael. You said you had the best men watching her. And yet somehow, the man walked into a bar _full_ of cops,_ spoke_ to Detective Beckett, and then somehow managed to escape once again."

"My apartment!" Beckett exclaims suddenly, causing all heads to snap towards her. "He was in my building a couple of days ago. I rode up in the elevator with him." His heart twists in his chest at the thought of her sniper standing mere feet away from Beckett.

"That makes no sense," Esposito says, frowning. "Why wouldn't he try anything in an empty elevator, but then approach you in a bar full of cops?"

"Because I wasn't alone," Beckett continues. "I was with my dad, and… Mrs Peterson. She was there, too. She lives down the hall from me."

"You've dropped the ball, Michael," Gates says, her voice low with threat. "This investigation has been running for almost four weeks now with nothing to show for it, and yet somehow in that time he's gotten close to Beckett at least twice."

"Victo-" Terrance tries to speak again, but Gates interjects.

"I expect a full copy of your investigation to date on my desk within the hour," Gates demands before turning towards Beckett. "As for you, Beckett, I strongly insist you find somewhere else to stay for the meantime, seeing as the other detectives have evidently not been doing their jobs."

"She can stay with me," he immediately offers, causing Gates to raise an eyebrow at him curiously.

"That's very generous of you, Mr Castle, but perhaps Detective Beckett would sleep better in the home of one of the NYPD."

"I think I'll sleep just fine at Castle's," Beckett interjects. Gates lets her eyes slide across to Beckett momentarily before they flick down towards their joined hands. He's sure Gates is about to protest when she simply nods in acceptance.

"Wherever you feel comfortable, Detective."

He watches Gates walk away for a few moments before he turns to Beckett. "Let's go," he says quietly, tugging on her hand.

* * *

They're both silent on the drive back to his apartment. His knuckles are white as he grips the wheel, but she doesn't know what to say to make him feel better, so instead she opts for silence.

He doesn't move to step out of the car once it's parked, instead staring straight out at the brick wall in front of them. She's still for a moment before jumping out and opening his door, gently lifting his fingers from the wheel and lacing them with hers.

"Come on," she whispers as she pulls him from the car.

His head falls back against the wall of the elevator in defeat, his eyes closing. Her heart drops at the sight of him; she hadn't realised just how much this was affecting him.

Distraction. That's what he needs; what they both need.

She lets her body fall against his as she leans up and presses her lips to his. She pulls back for a moment and gives his hand a squeeze, watching as some of the darkness lifts from his eyes. She smiles, and leans back in for another kiss, her thumb tracing small, reassuring circles on the back of his hand.

The doors slide open behind them, but neither breaks away. Instead, she takes a step backwards and tugs him along with her, carefully backing them out of the elevator and down the hall.

Suddenly, she finds herself pressed against his door as he fumbles for his keys. After a few moments, she growls, frustrated, and grabs the keys from his hand, jamming them into the keyhole.

"Kate-" he breathes, but she cuts him off with another kiss. She grabs onto his shoulders and pushes him back towards the couch. He drops down, and she crawls onto his lap. Her fingers play with the top button on his shirt, popping it open and slipping her hand inside, running her nails across his chest.

"Kate-" he repeats. She feels his fingers close around her wrist, but it doesn't discourage her.

"Mmm?" Her lips drop to his neck, and he lets out a moan.

"Kate, wait."

No.

"Alexis is home," he blurts out.

Oh.

"Way to kill the mood, Castle," she jokes, pressing a final kiss to his cheek.

Suddenly, it hits her.

"Castle, I can't stay here!" she exclaims, and rises to her feet.

"I'm not letting you out of my sight."

"But your family," she protests. "I'm putting them in danger."

"You aren't leaving, Kate. There's been no-one watching your building all day."

"And you have someone watching yours?"

"My doorman said the only people in and out all day have been tenants. Nothing out of the ordinary," he explains. "Besides, both Alexis and my mother have been here all day. It's safe here."

It's not, and they both know it. Because, somehow, the man who shot her managed to slip by _two_ protective details. She's sure a doorman would be no trouble to bypass.

"No, really. I should find somewhere else to stay," she insists. "And I'm sure they don't want me hanging around here."

"Oh, nonsense, darling!" A voice exclaims behind her. She spins towards the direction of the voice to see an older red-headed women gliding down the stairs. "You're always welcome here, Kate."

"Martha, I-" She slaps a hand over her mouth, her eyes wide.

"Kate?" Castle asks quickly, his voice hopeful. "Do you… remember my mother?"

She thinks for a few more moments before shaking her head. "No," she says sadly. "I'm sorry. I don't know where that came from."

Martha simply smiles and waves her hands in the air. "I think I'm going to take it as a compliment, dear, and say that something about me must be truly unforgettable!"

She lets out a small chuckle, feeling relieved instead of guilty for not remembering.

"Anyway, don't worry about me. I'm heading out for the night. You two kids have fun!" Martha sends them a wink before heading out the front door with another word.

"She's…"

"Eccentric?" Castle finishes.

She sends him a look. "I was going to say wonderful."

Castle shrugs. "She has her moments." She elbows him gently in the ribs.

"What about your father?" she asks after a moment.

Castle shrugs his shoulders again. "Don't know. My mother has always she doesn't know who he is, but… I have a feeling she does."

"Why doesn't she tell you?" she pries.

"I honestly don't know," he says. "But I'm sure she has her reasons."

"Does it ever bother you?"

"There are times when I've wanted to know more about him," he replies honestly. "But, I don't need to. My mother has always been enough."

She smiles, and laces her fingers with his. "That's sweet."

"Well, enough about me!" he exclaims. "Do you want something to eat? Drink?" She opens her mouth to argue her point about finding somewhere else to crash again, but promptly closes it upon seeing the look on his face.

"Castle, you don't have to play host," she says instead. "I feel like I'm imposing enough as it is."

"Don't be ridiculous," he says. He pulls gently on her arm to lead her towards the kitchen, but she pulls him back, stopping him.

"Do you mind if I grab a shower?" she asks. "I really just want to get these wet clothes off me."

He nods. "You can change into the same clothes from last night, if you like?" he suggests. "And there's a spare towel in the cupboard."

Biting her lip, she wraps her arms around him, pressing her body against his as she leans up to whisper in his ear. "Why don't you just join me?"

* * *

They're lying in bed the following morning, legs tangled and arms wrapped around each other, when a loud knock sounds on his front door.

"Ignore it," she whispers, and he feels her lips press a kiss to his neck.

Ah, yes. Good idea.

He rolls on top of her, pressing her into the mattress and forgetting about the person standing at his door. His lips crash down on hers, and he tangles his hands in her hair. He feels her fingers slowly trail up his spine, and he lets out a low moan, because this woman is going to be the death of him.

And she knows it, because she smiles against his lips.

Unfortunately, the knocking sounds again, interrupting the moment. Glancing at the clock, he sees it's already late morning; no excuse to be still asleep.

"I'm having déjà vu," he groans, thinking back to the previous morning. "I swear, if this is your damned protective detail again…" he mutters as he rolls off the bed and grabs his clothes off the floor.

He hears Kate laugh quietly as he tries to flatten his hair and make himself somewhat presentable as he pads out of the bedroom, reminding him of exactly what this person is keeping him from. A scowl on his face, he yanks open the door angrily, ready to abuse whomever is on the other side.

Oh.

"Mr Castle," Gates greets him as he opens the door. Ryan is standing behind her, in addition to Trent Wheeler- a uniform that often goes out with their team on arrests.

He frowns. "What's going on?"

"I'm afraid I'm going to have you to come down to the station with us, Mr Castle," Gates speaks. "We have a few questions we'd like to ask you."

"Is this about Kate?" he asks. "What happened to Terrence?"

"This doesn't concern Beckett," Gates clarifies. "It's about a murder. And if you don't come with us willingly, I'm afraid I'm going to have to arrest you."


	12. Chapter 12

**12**

"Thank you for coming in, Castle," Ryan says formally as he takes a seat on the opposite side of the table.

"Are you going to tell me why I'm here?" he asks. Ryan simply opens the file in front of him, and slides across a single picture.

"Do you know this man?" Ryan asks. The moment he looks down at the photograph, he freezes.

It's the man on the phone; the man in the parking garage. Montgomery's friend, who has been trying to protect Beckett. He may have only seen the man's shadow, but he's sure of it.

Castle presses his lips together and says nothing. He's been on the other side of this table long enough to know not to incriminate himself.

"His name is Steven Blakemore, but he's been assuming the identity of 'Raymond Smith'," Ryan continues. "His body was found two days ago, but according to missing persons, he's been missing for the past three weeks."

"So why am I here?" he repeats.

"Your… fingerprints were found at the scene," Ryan explains slowly. Castle presses his lips together momentarily, trying to remain calm. "Bruises on his lower back," Ryan continues, "suggest he was forced at gunpoint from another location to the crime scene."

"So, maybe he was taken somewhere I've been before," he suggests, his heart is beating fast in his chest.

"It was found on the button from a suit jacket, lying next to the body."

Oh. It wasn't somewhere he's been; it's something of _his_ that was found _there_, implying he was there. This is not good.

Ryan pauses for another beat before pushing another photograph across the table. "This… was also found at the crime scene," Ryan says hesitantly.

He glances at the photo. It's a phone; a burner, perhaps, judging by the nondescript model.

"Phone records show the day before Blakemore was killed, he used this phone to call you," Ryan says. "There are also several other calls exchanged during the past twelve months."

"Ryan-"

"Where were you the night of the seventh between the hours of ten and two?" Ryan asks suddenly.

He presses his lips together. He knows exactly where he was that night, and whom he was with.

But his alibi was currently suffering from amnesia.

"I think I'll be going now," he says. He's halfway out of his seat when Ryan stands, and holds out a hand to stop him.

"Castle, I wouldn't do that," he says quietly. "We have enough to hold you. If you leave, I'll… I'll have to arrest you."

He can see the loyalty in the young detective's eyes. They're still trying to protect him, because even though the evidence says otherwise, and Ryan has to remain professional and unbiased, they know he's not involved.

Slowly, he sinks back down into his chair. "I was… home," he offers.

"Alone?"

Castle pauses for a few moments. "No. I was with… Kate."

Shock flashes across Ryan's eyes, and he supposes that they never really gave any explanation the previous night as to the… _advances_ in their relationship. But he's not sure what else his friend is expecting; he was just picked up from his home, where Beckett had emerged from his bedroom. In his clothes.

"Between ten and two?" Ryan clarifies.

"All night, Ryan," he says quietly. "She knows, but… she doesn't actually remember, okay?"

"Ah, right," Ryan mumbles awkwardly. "We'll check the security footage in your building. In the meantime… I think it's best you stay here."

"Can I see Kate?" he asks. Ryan nods.

"Yeah, sure. I'll send her in." The detective is halfway to the door when he pauses, and spins back around. "Castle… we're going to get to the bottom of this, alright?"

He smiles appreciatively, but says nothing. He can feel it in his gut that something isn't right, and that this won't end well for him.

He leans back in his chair and closes his eyes for just a moment.

What the hell is going on?

* * *

She's taken to pacing up and down the hallway outside the interrogation room. She's surely about to wear a track in the floor, but she can't sit. Not when Castle is behind that door, being questioned, regarding a _murder_.

She can see the other detectives staring at her, but she doesn't bother with them. Most of their faces are unfamiliar, despite the fact that this is her precinct.

Suddenly, the door swings open, and Ryan steps out.

"What's happening?" she demands.

"Beckett, just calm down, alright," Ryan says, placing a hand on her shoulder. "It's going to be fine. I just need to confirm his alibi."

"His _alibi_?"

"It's routine, Beckett. You know that," Ryan reassures her. "The problem is, that… you're his alibi."

She frowns, confused. "I'm sorry?"

"The night before you were attacked, you, uh- you-"

"Spent the night at Castle's," she finishes, completely clueless as to why Ryan was really so uncomfortable. "Ryan, I know. But I don't remember."

"Right. Which is why I'm going to check the security footage from his building," Ryan explains. "Look, he's asking to see you. Why don't you go in and sit with him while I check it out, alright?"

Castle. Right.

She nods, and brushes past Ryan, quickly pushing open the door to the interrogation room. His eyes pop open at the sound of her entering, and he straightens in his seat as she drags the chair around to sit beside him.

"Kate," he whispers, his voice making her heart break.

"What's going on, Castle?" she asks. He shakes his head.

"I don't know, Kate. I don't _know_."

She quickly reaches out and takes both his hands in hers, and gives them a reassuring squeeze. "It'll be fine, Castle," she says, but neither of them believe it.

* * *

"I'm afraid I have some bad news," Ryan says as he re-enters the box a little over an hour later. His grip on Beckett's hand tightens, and he prays Ryan doesn't ask her to leave, because he needs her by his side right now. "Unfortunately, there's no security footage from your building since the night of the seventh. Or since then, for that matter."

"What?" she exclaims.

"And, your doorman was only able to corroborate that Beckett left the following morning, not that she arrived, or that you both… stayed in all night," Ryan finishes awkwardly.

"So someone disabled the security system," he states.

"Castle, there was a major storm that night. A power surge could easily explain the fault in the security system."

"Why are you trying to poke holes in this?" Kate questions harshly, but Ryan doesn't shrink back.

"I'm just trying to see it from the prosecutor's point of view," Ryan stresses. "If I can find questions, then you can be damned well sure they will be, too. And you better have answers ready."

He presses his lips together, but says nothing further. He runs his thumb gently across the back of Kate's hand, silently telling her to calm down and hold back. Getting into a screaming match with Ryan won't solve anything.

"That's… not all," Ryan continues slowly. "I sent some uniforms back to the scene, double checking to see if there were anything we missed."

His heart sinks. "What is it, Ryan?"

The detective drops his gaze for a few moments. "They spotted an old security camera outside the building opposite the warehouse where Blakemore he was found. It shows…"

"What is it, Ryan?" Beckett demands, her voice low.

"It shows a car driving into the warehouse just after midnight. That car… it's registered to you, Castle."

He shakes his head in disbelief. "No, Ryan. It's not possible."

"Look- our techs are still determining whether the footage has been doctored. But right now, it doesn't look good."

"I'm being set up, Ryan." His voice is strained.

Ryan nods, but doesn't verbally agree. "Are you sure there isn't anything you'd like to tell us?"

Castle sighs, and drops his gaze guiltily.

"Castle, if you have something that can clear this up, now is the time to speak," Beckett insists beside him. Her eyes are wide, and her grip on his hand is tight.

He doesn't know what to do. Because, right now, she doesn't know what he's done. He kept it from her, just like last time, because he thought she'd be better off not knowing. And she's going to hate him when she finds out. But it's the only way to explain everything.

"Castle?" she prompts.

"Yeah," he says quietly, finding his voice. "Yeah. Uh-"

"Start from the beginning, Castle," Ryan suggests.

Right.

He sucks in a nervous breath, trying to find his voice. "After Kate was… shot, I received a phone call. From this man," he taps the photograph of the victim on the table. "Montgomery sent him some files- incriminating files, that would hurt a lot of powerful people. He used them to strike a deal with whoever is behind everything related to her shooting, Coonan, and… your mother's murder."

Kate stills beside him, her nails digging into his hand. Her head shakes slowly in disbelief, and she opens her mouth to speak, but she can't find her voice.

"Kate, I'm sorry," he whispers, knowing his betrayal is coming. "But he said if you kept investigating, they would come after you again. And all you wanted to _do_ was find out who is behind this. So, I stepped in, and told you to stop."

"So… you did it to protect me?" she asks quietly.

He nods. "That, yes. But nothing else, Kate. I swear. I haven't done anything else. I'm not involved. Please," he begs.

She raises a shaky hand to his face. "I trust you, Castle. I believe you. You didn't do this."

"Castle, if that's the entire story, then why has he called you since then?" Ryan questions.

His jaw clenches, and he reminds himself that Ryan is on his side. "He called again when Weldon was being investigated," he explains. "He needed Weldon to stay in office, so Weldon could keep me here, so I could watch over Beckett."

"And you asked me to tell you if anything popped relating to Beckett's mother," Ryan realises. "And recently?"

He nods. "Yeah, he called. When you guys were going after the sniper. He warned me that if she didn't stop, they would retaliate, and there wouldn't be anything he could do to stop them."

"And then?" Ryan questions.

"That's it," he says. "I swear, that's it. But… the timing's awfully coincidental, don't you think?" he suggests. "The day after Beckett is approached in the bar, you haul me in here for questioning?"

"What are you suggesting?" Ryan asks.

"I'm not _suggesting_ anything. I'm _saying_ I'm being set up," he exclaims. "By the people behind this whole mess."

"Castle, Blakemore was murdered three weeks ago. Not a couple of days ago, and not yesterday," Ryan says. "Are you sure it's related?"

"It _has_ to be, Ryan," he exclaims. "I didn't do this! _They_ did this."

Ryan nods, but doesn't say anything further.

"What now?" he asks quietly. "Can I… leave?"

"That's not up to me, Castle," Ryan responds quietly. "It's Gates' call."

Suddenly, the door swings open. He flicks his eyes towards the door, to see Gates' figure standing in the frame. One look at her tells him everything he needs to know.

"Mr Castle, I'm afraid I don't have another choice," she says solemnly.

"No," he breathes, his grip on Kate's hand tightening.

"It's not my choice," she continues. "I've been given the orders from higher up."

"Who?" Castle asks. "They _have_ to be involved, because _I didn't do this_."

"Mr Castle, I'm sorry," Gates says quietly. "But you're going to have to stay in holding until our techs are finished analysing the video."

"What if it's not doctored?" Kate asks. "What if his car was actually used because they _stole_ it?"

"Seeing as the security system for Mr Castle's building is a bust, we'd have to try and find some other way to prove he wasn't behind the wheel," Gates responds.

"What about Kate?" he asks. "They're going to go after her. You _know_ they are."

"I'm recommending Beckett be placed into a protection program until Cole Maddox is found."

"No," she exclaims. He spins his head to her in disbelief.

"Kate-"

"No, Castle. I don't want to hide. I don't want to put my life on hold just because someone out there wants me dead."

"Beckett, I understand your concerns, but you have to understand where we're coming from," Gates insists.

"Kate, _please_. Just hide. Just for now," he begs her, but she shakes her head. His heart drops.

He can see the determination in her eyes. She's going to go after them.

"I'll be fine, Castle," she whispers, and presses a lingering kiss to his cheek before standing and breaking away. "Ryan, you call me the _moment_ you find something," she demands. "In the meantime, I'm going home."

She's out the door before they have a chance to stop her.


	13. Chapter 13

**13**

_Don't worry, Castle. I'd get you out_.

The words replay in her mind on a constant loop.

She knows she's said them before, but she can only remember bits and pieces. Flashes of a case involving a jail-break hit her as she marches through the busy Manhattan streets, heading for her apartment, but she can't grab onto them long enough to make any sense.

What she _does_ know is that she needs to get him out of there. Ideally, breaking him out of the precinct lockup is not the best solution. But finding the bastards behind this mess are.

And she knows just where to start.

Something Castle said in the interrogation room got her thinking. He'd said all she had wanted to do was find the man responsible for everything. And even though her memory is scrambled, she still knows if she were hell-bent on finding them, there would be some sort of evidence of it at her apartment. She just hasn't found it yet.

She picks up her pace, breaking into a slow jog, the need to get home and find _something_ growing stronger. It's hot under the sun, but she doesn't stop, because Castle needs her. And at this pace, it doesn't take her long to arrive.

She's just about to enter her building when she sees him.

He's across the street, standing rather inconspicuous as he reads the specials board for the café. If he hadn't approached her yesterday, she would have never noticed him. But since then, his image has been plastered to her mind, and she's been keeping one eye on the lookout for him just in case he decides to try something else.

Suddenly, he turns and starts to walk down the street, away from her. She only has a split second to make the decision, but suddenly she's following him.

Because this is the man who shot her. The man who attacked her. The man who caused her memory loss.

This is the man framing Castle.

And she needs to stop him.

* * *

He's been sitting on the steel bench for hours now, but his heart is still beating madly in his chest, unease sitting low in his stomach. He knows exactly what she's doing right now; she's tracking down the man behind this, trying to get him out. He only hopes his protective detail is still on her, keeping her safe.

"Castle! Castle, we've got it," he hears Ryan shout, footsteps running down the corridor. He jumps up from his seat, his hands closing around the metal bars.

"What did you find?" he asks, his heart racing with anticipation.

"A video from a traffic cam," Ryan explains as he unlocks the cell. "Showing your car driving away from your building just before eleven. The driver- you can see it isn't you."

He lets out a breath of relief, and slaps his hand on the detective's shoulder. "_Thank _you, Ryan," he says sincerely. "Thank you."

"It wasn't me, bro," Ryan says. "It was Gates."

Surprised, he looks up to see Gates standing at the end of the holding corridor. "Keep her safe, Mr Castle," she says before retreating.

He stands there in shock, staring at the spot Gates was just standing. That woman… he doesn't think he'll ever be able to repay her.

"Come on- let's get your belongings so you can leave," Ryan says.

"I- yeah," he fumbles, following Ryan.

_Kate_.

* * *

She's been following him for almost two hours now, but he hasn't left her sight. He's stopped a few times- flicked through some magazines, picked up a coffee- but she's managed to keep him in her eye line without exposing herself.

But now she's getting antsy. Because he's _right there_, and she wants to take him down, but she needs him to lead her to the man orchestrating everything. And even though she knows in the back of her mind that it's unbelievably unlikely that's where he's heading right now, she's willing to wait it out, because taking down a hired hit man isn't going to solve anything.

He makes a sharp left suddenly, and for a second she thinks she's lost him, but he's stopped just around the corner. He's glancing into the window front of an electronics store. He stands there for a few good minutes before he's finally walking away again.

After a few minutes, he begins to pick up his pace, throwing shady glances over his shoulder as if he's being followed. She falls back a few extra paces, just to be safe, but matches his speed.

She hesitates when she feels her phone vibrate in her pocket, but eventually ignores it. Even if it's Ryan, it can wait. Answering her phone is not worth the risk of losing visual contact on him.

* * *

Castle lets out a growl, and hits redial for the fifth time, panic flooding through him.

Realistically, he knows there can be any number of explanations as to why she's not answering. She's in the shower. She's driving. She's on her home line.

But he knows something is wrong. He's felt it in his stomach all day, ever since he saw _that look_ in her eyes that just screamed she's going to do something stupid.

When the call rings out yet again, he grips his phone so tightly he thinks it just might break. Before he's even registered what he's doing, he's dashing back up the stairs, calling out loudly for Ryan.

The detective greets him just as he reaches the homicide floor, a confused expression on his face.

"Kate's not answering," he pants, holding out his phone in explanation. "Track her phone. Now."

Ryan's face drops. "I'm on it."

* * *

She's followed him to an abandoned warehouse somewhere in the Meatpacking District. Once he's inside, she waits a few minutes before slowly approaching the building, listening for any tell-tale signs of him, but she's met only with the sound of silence. Carefully, she eases open the door and glances through the crack.

Nothing.

She enters, stepping quietly through the rows of old shelving, crouching slightly below eye level so as not to be seen. She wishes she had her gun, but there wasn't time. He would have vanished.

And it's not like she hasn't been trained in hand-to-hand combat.

She spots a light coming from a door in the far corner, and begins approaching it. Her heart is racing in her chest, and she has to stop for a second to get her breathing under control.

As she gets closer, she can hear soft voices floating out of the room, but she can't make out what they're saying. She presses her ear against the door, but the sound is still too muffled. She glances down at the doorhandle and pauses in consideration.

Is it worth risking them seeing her just to try and get a glimpse of the man behind this?

Yes.

Because Castle is currently sitting in lockup, because of this _damned case_ that she apparently just can't let go of.

She reaches out, and slowly turns the handle, peeking in through the crack.

The room is empty, save for an old stereo playing the recording of two people talking.

And that's when she realises it.

She was set up.

It's a trap.

* * *

His fingers drum across the desk, his knee shaking uncontrollably with apprehension. "Come on… come _on_," he mutters.

They're having trouble locating a GPS signal on Kate's phone. He knows it's not uncommon- the concrete jungle often interferes with phone signals- but this is _urgent_. And after spending all that time in holding picturing nothing but worst scenarios, he's almost in a state of absolute panic.

Finally, Ryan jumps up, an address pops up onto the screen. "Got it."

* * *

She whips out her phone to call Ryan when a voice sounds out behind her.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," the man says. She spins around, and immediately freezes.

It's the man who was following them through six flags; Castle's protective detail.

"You," she breathes. He smiles a cold smile, and looks over her shoulder.

"You take care of Kurt?" he calls out. She turns her head only to see Officer Johnson- her protective detail from the precinct- walking towards her. Johnson nods, and eyes her carefully as she approaches.

"He won't be calling anyone anytime soon," Johnson replies.

"Throw us the phone," the first man orders, directing her again. She grips the phone tighter, ready to fight, but he pulls out a gun and aims it at her. "Now."

She grips it for a moment longer before he flicks off the safety switch. Begrudgingly, she tosses him the phone, thankful when he has to drop his gun's aim to catch it. Hope washes away from her as she watches him drop it to the ground and stamp on it, shattering it into tiny pieces.

* * *

"Wait!" Ryan exclaims suddenly.

"What?"

"The signal. It dropped out."

His heart sinks. "_What_?" He crowds Ryan, his eyes wide as they focus on the computer screen.

"Move, Castle! We've got to go _now_," Ryan says, pushing passed him. When Ryan moves towards Gates' office, he grips the detective's shoulder tightly.

"You arrive with the whole damn cavalry, she's dead," he says in a low voice.

"The only reason she's still here is _because_ I arrived with the whole damn cavalry, Castle."

"Ryan-"

"Castle, we're wasting time."

Ryan is right. They're wasting time discussing this. They're wasting time calling it in.

He's on the move before Ryan can stop him.

"Castle!" Ryan calls behind him, but he's already at the stairwell, jumping down the stairs two at a time.

* * *

She's led at gunpoint through the warehouse, pushed into a room at the back of the warehouse, and that's where he's standing.

Cole Maddox: the man who shot her. He's standing mere feet away, and there's nothing she can do.

"Kate Beckett. How lovely to see you again," he says with a smile, but his eyes are cold. "How's… Richard Castle doing? I'm sure they're taking excellent care of him."

Her entire body tenses, and her gaze remains fierce. "Why involve Castle?" she demands, her voice strong.

"To get to you," Maddox replies simply. "Because for almost a month now, that man has not left you side. And he was starting to… frustrate me."

"You set him up a month ago," she states. "You _planned_ this."

"Well, someone needs to take the fall, now, don't they?" He tilts his head, and studies her carefully. "And he made himself an easy target. Sneaking around your back like that…" he clicks his tongue disapprovingly.

"Don't you dare talk about him," she warns, her voice low with threat.

"Or, what? What do you think you can possibly do to me?" She clenches her jaw at Maddox's smug smile, because he's right; there's nothing she can do.

He lets out a sigh, and picks up the gun off the table, raising it to point at her. "On your knees," he demands. She stares him down, unmoving, and he clicks the safety off. "I said, on your knees."

"No," she says, her voice surprisingly strong. She knows the moment she gets to her knees, this is all over. She'll be executed. While she stands, she can still fight.

"I don't think you're exactly in a position to argue, Detective," Maddox replies, his eyes narrowing. He takes a step closer, and she has to force herself to stand her ground and not retreat. She needs him to just come another step or two closer, because she might be able to attack and get the upper hand. But he's smarter than that, standing just out of reach.

"It was nice knowing you," Maddox says, lifting the gun in just another fraction so she's staring down the barrel.

Memories of her shooting flash through her mind. The funeral. The sound of the gunshot. The bullet piercing her chest. Being tackled to the grass. Castle.

_Castle_.

Her heart tears at the thought of him.

Oh, _god_- Castle.

This is all her fault.

* * *

He doesn't know what he expected to do once he arrives, because there's no _way_ he can take on a trained hit man and God only knows who else all on his own, but he couldn't just _sit _there and wait for Gates to organise a team.

He jumps into a cab, frantically shouting the address at the driver, and offering to pay him an extra hundred dollars if he can get him there in less than ten minutes.

He gets him there in five.

He throws an obscene amount of cash at the driver before jumping out of the cab and rushing into the warehouse. He tries to remain quiet, but subtlety has never been his specialty, and before he knows it he's attracted the attention of the watchmen.

He knocks them out before they can even raise their weapons.

If this were any other situation, he'd be absolutely amazed at himself, and make a big deal the fact that he just took out two trained killers. But it's not any other situation, and there's no time. Instead, he's pries the gun from the hands of the guard and stuff it into the back of his jeans before he's on the move again, heading towards the back of the warehouse. He peaks through the windows before passing when suddenly he hears _her voice_ floating from around the corner. Dashing towards the sound, his eyes widen at the sight of a gun raised and pointed at Kate.

"No!" he screams before he can help himself. Kate spins around at the sound of his voice, and Maddox takes the chance to grab her roughly around the neck and pull her backwards, pressing the cool tip of the gun to her temple.

"Stand back, Mister Castle, or I put a bullet in her skull," Maddox warns. He freezes.

Her gaze locks onto his, eyes wide with fear as she claws uselessly at his arm around her throat. "Kate," he breathes, his heart breaking at the sight of her.

"Castle… go," she whispers. "Please."

"No, Kate-"

"Castle, _run_," she urges, her voice breaking. He shakes his head.

All he needs is a distraction, so he can reach for his gun.

But he's got nothing.

"On your knees," Maddox orders.

He shifts his eyes to meet Maddox's cold stare. "No."

"Now!" Maddox demands again, but Castle stands his ground.

Suddenly, Maddox re-aims his gun towards Castle, his finger twitching on the trigger.

It's all it takes.

Without a gun pressing against her temple, Kate somehow manages to twist away from Maddox, pushing his arm high into the air so the gun fires uselessly into the ceiling. He knows that in a second, Maddox will overpower her and take her down.

But he's quicker.

He draws the gun from its hiding spot in the small of his back and without thinking, aims and shoots.

The bullet finds its target, hitting Maddox in the shoulder. Maddox recoils, and in that moment Kate is able to pry the gun from his hand and strike him across the head, knocking him unconscious.

The gun drops from her hands, and she reaches for him. Her hands fist in his shirt as he pulls her against him, and he presses his face into her hair.

_They're okay_.


	14. Chapter 14

**14**

Kate shuts herself off from him the moment backup arrives.

She pulls herself from his arms as the SWAT team floods into the room, wrapping her own arms around her body instead.

She leaves him standing there alone as the paramedics give her a quick once-over, ignoring him when he wanders after her to check she's all right.

She doesn't say a word to him the entire ride back to the precinct. She doesn't even look at him after Ryan finishes taking their statement.

Instead, she pushes herself from the chair and stalks out of the conference room without another word to either of them.

"Kate!" he calls after her, chasing her into the elevator just as the doors begin to close. "Kate, what's wrong?" he asks.

"Everything's fine, Castle," she responds, but her unwavering gaze on the metal doors begs to differ.

"Then why won't you look at me?" He sees her jaw clench, but she does nothing else to acknowledge him. He sighs sadly. "You don't have to be strong, Kate. It's just me."

After another few beats of silence, she finally lifts her head.

He has no idea what's going through her head. She bites her lip, and tries to blink away the tears springing to her eyes. His heart lurches for her, but when he tries to wrap his arms comfortingly around her, she pulls away.

"I just… need some space, Castle," she whispers.

He takes a step back, and nods. As much as he doesn't want this to happen, he knew in the back of his mind this had been coming. "I- yeah. Okay."

She sends him a half-smile, appreciative. "I'll call you, okay?"

She's out the door before he can protest.

* * *

She stands in the middle of her living room for a good ten minutes when she arrives home, unsure what she's supposed to do.

She hates the look he had on his face when she left the elevator. The hurt, kicked puppy-dog look. And it's all her fault he's even wearing such a look, because she's the one pushing him away.

She's just feeling… vulnerable. She's so used to being strong all the time that she's not exactly sure how to completely open herself up, but since her attack, she hasn't had a choice, having to rely on others to help her.

There's the suffocation, too. They've spent the past three days together, and she needed some space to collect her thoughts. Especially after today, when she has no idea how she should feel, or what state she's going to be in within the next few hours.

She had been so close to dying today. And for what? She knows it's her _mother's _case, but there is a nagging voice in her head telling her that it isn't worth dying over.

And that voice is right. As much as she wanted justice for her mother's death, she doesn't think she's ever going to get it. After today, she is finally understanding what Castle has been saying; about these men being untouchable.

Eventually, she forces herself through the motions of hanging up her jacket and kicking off her shoes before stepping over towards her kitchen. She searches through the cupboards for a few minutes before she finds an old bottle of scotch; something to take the edge off. She fills a glass with ice and twists the lid of the bottle before she pauses, a thought crossing her mind.

This is just how it started for her father.

A sick feeling in her stomach, she recaps the bottle, places it far into the back of the pantry, and tips the ice into the sink.

Instead, she reaches into her back pocket and pulls out her phone. She quickly taps in her password and opens her contact list when she pauses.

Who is she even supposed to call? Her father won't want to hear about how his daughter almost _died_ today. Ryan is involved with the investigation, and can't discuss it with her. Esposito is still suspended. Lanie… she loves her friend, but Lanie doesn't know what it is like to face a man whose job is to kill you.

She throws her phone into the couch cushions in frustration, sinks down, and runs a hand through her hair. She feels a tremble rack through her body, and she knows if she doesn't get herself under control soon, she's going to break.

She sucks in a long breath of air, trying to calm herself, but it doesn't do anything.

She needs him. Castle.

A part of her hates herself for that. She feels as if she shouldn't need him- as if she should be strong and stand on her own- but he's the only one who understands.

Defeated, she lets out a long breath. She shouldn't be above admitting that she needs help. And as vulnerable as it makes her feel that she needs him to lean on, it doesn't make her weak. It just means she finally has something worth living for.

* * *

It's late when she finally arrives on his doorstep, doubts running through her head and she stands still, her fist poised to knock. She's not sure she should even be here. Will he even want to see her after how she acted towards him? Is she going to interrupt time with his family?

She pushes the nagging qualms from her mind and knocks lightly. It's only seconds before the door swings open, and he raises an eyebrow at her. She offers him a tight smile. "Hey," she whispers. "I'm, uh- I'm not interrupting, am I?"

"No. Never," he says with a shake of his head. "Come in." He stands aside so she can brush past him, but she stops just a few steps into his apartment. "Is everything alright?"

She bites her lips and drops her gaze. She doesn't even know where to start.

"Kate?" he asks again, quieter this time. He reaches an arm out as if to take her into his embrace, but after a second he drops it.

She sighs, tired of fighting the constant stream of emotions. "It's still not over, Castle. These people are responsible for _everything_ bad in my life- my mother's murder, my shooting, my memory loss- and they're still _out there_." She peers up at him through watery eyes. "What am I supposed to do?" she asks, her voice cracking.

"You just keep living," he states.

"Castle, I don't even know how to be myself."

He takes her hand and leads her to the couch. "Wait here. I just- I've got to grab something." He dashes away into his office momentarily before returning with some sort of large folder in his hands.

"What this?" she asks, raising an eyebrow curiously as she takes the book from his outstretched hand.

"Open it," he responds, a small smile playing on his lips.

She does, and her heart skips a beat.

It's a photo album. The first page is full of pictures of her with her dad- Christmases, Thanksgivings, and Birthdays from what she assumes to be the past five or so years.

"I've been putting this together for you over the past week," he explains. "Actually, I can't really take much of the credit- Alexis did a lot of it, and your dad has been a huge help, and Lanie," he admits with a sheepish shrug of his shoulders. "I just… I thought it might help you remember a little better. But even if you can't, at least you can see these memories."

She bites her lip in an effort to stop the tear from rolling down her cheek. "Castle… thank you."

He shrugs humbly. "It's not spectacular or anything, and it's not finished, but I just thought…" he trails off, as if unsure of himself. She places a hand on his knee and squeezes gently in reassurance before glancing back down at the photos in front of her.

She flips the page and is greeted with a hilarious photo of Castle dressed as Edgar Allen Poe. "I remember this," she says quietly, a smile spreading across her face. "Your Halloween party.

"I- yeah," he says breathlessly.

She fingers the edges of the page, taking in the photos and the memories, before turning it over once again.

"Your New Years Eve party?" she asks.

"New Years Eve twenty-twelve," he confirms with a nod. "Do you remember much about that night?"

She shrugs. "I remember how you practically _forced_ me to come," she sends him a pointed look, but the corners of her mouth twitch upwards in a smile.

His jaw drops, and he holds up his hands in self-defence. "Hey- I did no such thing!" he exclaims. "I merely… _suggested_ to you that it would be nice if you made your presence known, seeing as Ryan spent the holidays with Jenny's family, and Esposito… well, I don't know where he was."

"I think I remember hearing something about him accompanying Lanie to another party?" she suggests, unsure whether she has the dates correct. Castle raises his eyebrows.

"Well, you failed to mention that to me before," he says, amused. Her eyes widen, panicked.

"Don't tell Lanie. She'll kill me," she cringes. He mimes zipping his lips shut, and throws away the key.

She rolls her eyes, and flips over to the next page. A frown crosses her face when she's unable to place the picture of her and Lanie on the page in front of her. "When's this from?"

"Uh, I think… Lanie's birthday party two years ago," he says. "Like I said, it's not finished. I had planned on putting them in order, so you could see everything that happened, but-"

She cuts him off with a kiss, her hand reaching up to cup the side of his face. "Castle… you have no idea how much this means to me. Really." Her heart swells at the joy that lights up his eyes.

"Do you… mind if I finish looking at this later?" she asks, motioning to the album. "It's been a long day, and I'm honestly still feeling a bit overwhelmed. I really just want to get some rest."

He nods in understanding, and seems to be pleased she's honest with him about her current state of emotion. "Yeah. Of course," he responds, tugging her towards his bedroom.

* * *

Kate wakes to a quite knocking on Castle's bedroom door.

"Dad?" Alexis' voice calls softly through the door.

She lifts her head from the pillow and draws the sheets up around her self-consciously, because his daughter does _not_ need to see what they've been doing. A quick glance down at Castle tells her he's still fast asleep.

Gently, she shakes him awake. He groans, and moves to roll over and press his face deep into the pillow when she shakes him again, and calls his name out softly.

"Hmm?" he mumbles. "Ev'rythin' 'kay?"

"Alexis is calling for you at the door," she responds. Right on cue, Alexis calls out for her father again, knocking a little louder this time.

Another small groan escapes his lips, and he runs his hands over his eyes, trying to wake himself. He rolls out of the bed, quickly pulling on a pair of pants and a shirt before he half-trips his way to the door. Thankfully, he only opens the door a crack so as not to expose her.

"Everything alright, pumpkin?" he asks.

"Dad… I think you need to see this," Alexis replies quietly, her tone serious.

"What is it?"

"Just… come see."

He glances back at her and gives a subtle shrug of his shoulders. Her brow furrows, confused, and she begins pulling on some clothes as soon as the door is closed. She doesn't bother with washing her face and brushing her teeth, instead making her way straight out to the living room.

When she exits his study, she freezes at the sight on the television in front of her. Gates' face is taking up the majority of the screen as she gives the press a statement, but there's a scrolling banner at the bottom added by the broadcasting company, and her name flies across the screen before disappearing on the other side.

"Castle?" she whispers.

He slowly turns towards her, an expression that's both disbelief and serene on his face.

"Gates went to the media," he murmurs. "Exposed them all."

She opens her mouth to speak, but the words are stuck in her throat.

"Kate… she's taken down the men responsible for… everything," he finishes.

She stares at the images flashing across the screen as the reporter names all the men involved for a moment longer before her gaze flickers over to his. "It's… over?"

He nods. "It's over."

She breaks.

* * *

_So, I'm not exactly sure how many more updates there will be. At least two, but maybe not any more. I don't really want to drag this story on for much longer. But I've got a new idea that I'm already working on, so subscribe to author alerts if you'd like to see what I come up with =)_

_Thanks once again for all the amazing reviews =) _


	15. Chapter 15

_Apologies for the delay. Lots of different issues, both with life and this site. Enjoy =)_

* * *

**15**

"Beckett, I'm sorry for the way you had to find out what I had done," Gates starts as she takes her seat opposite Beckett and Castle.

The Captain had called mere seconds after she had concluded her interview with the press, informing Beckett she was sending Ryan with some uniforms to escort her to the precinct. Despite Castle's concern, Beckett had remained absolutely silent as she dressed and waited for Ryan, in some distant mental state. She hadn't even acknowledge him with so much as a single glance until it was time to leave, and she had grabbed his hand and begged him silently with her eyes to come with her. And the moment they'd arrived at the precinct, she was thankful for his presence beside her as she pushed her way through the sea of press waiting for them.

"As soon as I received the orders yesterday to detain you, Mister Castle, I knew they were involved in something. But I had to be careful- not involve anyone else- so they wouldn't suspect anything. I sincerely hope you forgive me for my actions.

"You have a right to know everything, though. Early yesterday, I received a call from Commander Whistler, enquiring about the murder of Steven Blakemore. At first, I thought nothing of it- Mister Blakemore's pseudo-identity was quite an influential man, and it could be expected that the Commander would want his death wrapped up as soon and as quietly as possible. But then he started questioning the evidence we'd found- the fingerprint, and the phone records, and Mister Castle's involvement; and that is not something he would usually do. So, I had no choice but to bring Castle in.

"We continued investigating though, in the hopes some new evidence would be found. And it was, but it was the wrong kind of evidence. And almost immediately after we found the surveillance footage implicating Castle even further, I received another call, from the Deputy Police Commissioner. He was the one who ordered your arrest, Castle.

"But before I could investigate him, I had to free you first. As soon as you were taken out of our hands, it would be too easy for them to get to you. So I held off on pressing charges and kept you in detention while we searched for _something_ to clear your name. And as soon as we found it, I began to track him.

"As it turns out, the Deputy Commissioner has received an awfully large number of phone calls to the United States Capitol, all to the same extension line, belonging to one Senator Charley. So I gathered up evidence- old arrest records, phone calls, flight information- and went straight to the media. Senator Charley is being brought in as we speak."

Tension hangs thick in the air after Gates finishes, neither Gates nor Castle willing to break the silence as Beckett processes everything.

She doesn't even know what to think. There's a small part of her that's relieved for the justice her mother will finally get, but she's still in a state of disbelief, as if she'll wake up at any moment and find out this isn't real; that the man behind her mother's murder hasn't just been caught.

"Why did he do it?" Beckett whispers, her head low, refusing to meet anyone's eyes.

"I'm afraid I don't know," Gates says, shaking her head apologetically. "Because of the department's ties with the case, FBI is going to take over the investigation. Hopefully, they will be able to provide you with more answers." When she doesn't say anything further, Gates continues. "Beckett, the next few months are going to be filled with witness statements and trials and media. Are you up for it?"

"Yes," she says fiercely, her voice suddenly strong. She will do this, for her mother.

"Alright, then," Gates notes quietly.

"What about Maddox?" Castle asks, leaning forward in his seat. "What happened to him?"

"For now, he's still in the hospital. Secure ward and constant surveillance until he can be moved to the prison infirmary," Gates explains. "I suspect he'll never talk, though. But he'll be locked up for life. He won't be able to get to Beckett."

"You don't think… you don't think they'll go after her again?"

"No, I don't believe so. They have nothing left to gain; they've already been exposed."

She sees Castle's head slowly nod out of the corner of his eye, and she can tell he's still worried.

"Does your offer still stand?" Beckett redirects the conversation. "To return to the precinct?"

"Yes, and no," Gates responds. "I'm not opposed to your return, but I think it would be in your best interest to take another week or two, at least."

Beckett shakes her head in disagreement. "No, Sir. I don't need that. I think I'd rather start back now."

"It's not optional, Beckett," Gates says. "You need to get your footing before you return. I can't have you messing up because you're using the precinct as a coping mechanism."

"Sir, you don't understand. I need to do _something_. I can't just sit around," she insists, but Gates shakes her head.

"This is not up for discussion," Gates says, concluding the conversation. "You will also need to undergo an intensive re-training course on our updated procedures due to your memory loss."

Beckett clenches her jaw, and gives a sharp nod. "Fine," she says bluntly, pushing her chair backwards as she stands. "I'll see you in a week."

Gates peers knowingly over her glasses, staring the detective down. "I'll have your training prepared," she finishes.

* * *

She feels exposed as she walks back through the bullpen, receiving stares from everyone on the floor. It's the absolute last thing she needs right now. She clenches her jaw and takes Castle's hand, drawing strength from him. As the elevator doors close behind them, she lets out a long breath and lets her eyes flutter shut as she falls back against the wall for support.

"Breakfast?" Castle asks suddenly.

She opens one eye, peeking at him curiously. "What?"

"Want to grab some breakfast?" he repeats, an eyebrow raised. "I don't know about you, but I'm starving. And I know it's a little late in the morning now, but Josie's does an all day breakfast, and their eggs benedict is to _die_ for," he exaggerates, rubbing his stomach enthusiastically.

A bubble of laughter escapes her lips as she drops his hand to wrap her arms around his waist. "Thank you," she whispers, her fingers tracing small circles on his back. "For not asking if I'm alright. For taking my mind off everything. For… just for being here."

He smiles adoringly at her, a twinkle in his eyes.

"But…" she continues, the twinkle in his eyes fading fast, "I… it's only been a week, Castle. A week since I woke up without my memory. And _so_ much has happened since then, and I think… Gates is right. I need to get away from it all. I'm not processing anything properly, and I need to… I just need to _remember_, Castle." A tear rolls down her cheek, but his hand is already brushing it away.

"Yeah. I understand," he says quietly, his voice dejected.

"The thing is… I'm not ready to give you up just yet."

Hope and curiosity flicker in his eyes. "Kate?"

She presses her lips together, and drops her gaze, because it's easier to be honest when she can't see the love all over his face. "I know you've known me for four years, but I've only really known you about four days. And yet, for some reason, I can't seem to let you go." She smiles up at him then, and raises her hand to wrap around his neck.

"So here's what's going to happen. Today I'm going to go see my father. Spend the day with him, because I miss my _mom_, Castle, and he's the only other person to really know what it's like to lose her." Her voice is cracking, but she draws in a deep breath, filling herself with the courage to continue and not break down in the precinct elevator. "And then tomorrow morning, you're going to pick me up, and you're going to take me somewhere, away from all of this. And you're going to bring the photo album, and you're going to tell me every story you can think of, and you're going to help me get my memory back."

* * *

After giving Castle a passionate kiss and fighting her way back through the swarm of press, she flags down a taxi, and it isn't long before she's arriving on her father's doorstep.

"Katie," he says quietly as he pulls open the door. She quickly pulls her father into a hug, tears already traitorously rolling down her cheeks.

"Hey, Dad," she whispers. "Did you see… the news?" He nods as he ushers her inside, leading her into the kitchen.

"Yeah, I did." He turns away, filling the kettle with water for something to do with his hands. "How are you holding up?"

"I… I don't know how I'm supposed to feel," she sighs, taking a seat at the kitchen counter. "I guess I thought I'd feel different now that this is coming to an end; have more of a sense of justice."

"But you just want this to be over?" She gives a small nod. "Yeah, I feel the same way."

"Don't get me wrong, I miss mom so much. I miss her every single day." She pauses, her voice choking at the memory of her mother, and she holds back a sob. "But, I'm tired of this cloud hanging over my head."

Her father lets out a sad sigh, rubbing her back as he hands her a cup of tea. "You have a right to be happy, sweetheart. Just because you want to live your life and move on doesn't mean you're going to let mom down. She knows how much you love her."

She grasps the mug in her hands and takes a sip, letting the warm liquid soothe her trembling insides.

"Katie- mom would want you to be happy," her father speaks quietly after a few moments. "She wouldn't want you to live with her death haunting you."

She doesn't say anything further, instead letting her head sag, dropping down into her hands. Beside her, she hears her father let out a defeated breath.

"So… how's your memory?" he asks instead, changing the topic.

She shrugs and pulls a face. "Not the best, but… it's coming along. I think," she says. "It's mostly feelings, though. I still have all these emotional attachments to objects and… people. It's been confusing, to say the least."

"And Castle?" She fights a smile at the mention of Castle, and the knowing expression on her father's face. "I saw you with him on the news."

The timid smile spreads across her lips then, and she tucks her hair behind her ear, deflecting for a moment. "We're, uh… together, I guess."

"You guess?" Her father raises an eyebrow curiously.

She bites her lip and drops her gaze. "I remembered what he said to me the day I was shot, and it just kind of… snowballed from there."

She feels her father tense at the mention of her shooting. "What exactly did he say?"

She frowns. "You don't know?"

Her father shakes his head. "You said you didn't remember anything at all from that day." She glances away guiltily.

"You were lying, though," her father continues. "I know you, and I knew you remembered it. But I never pressed the issue because I knew it was just your coping mechanism. You'd talk about it when you were ready."

She presses her lips tightly together; that sounds like her. Always running from anything real.

"He told me he loved me," she admits. "That day. And when I remembered, I told him that I wanted to be with him. Even before I remembered anything else about him, because I just had all these… feelings for him, and I just can't seem to let him go."

Jim smiles at her, a twinkle in his eye. "That's love, Katie."

She blushes and ducks her head, avoiding her father's stare, because they both know he's right.

"I'm happy for you, Katie," he says, his voice both soft and proud. "I'm glad you let him in. I was with him every day you were in the hospital, and I saw just how much that man cares for you. I'm glad you know that now."

"Yeah, I'm glad I know that, too," she whispers with a smile.

* * *

Night has long fallen by the time she leaves her father's place, and when she finally makes it back to her apartment, she's exhausted. But the moment her head hits the pillow, she's wide awake. Her emotions are running high as this mornings' play over and over again on a loop.

After an hour of tossing and turning, she groans and flicks on the light beside her bed. Pushing herself up to lean back against the headboard, she glances at the nightstand; her phone is just sitting there, tempting her.

She glances at the clock, judging the time. A quarter after midnight, not too late to assume Castle's still awake. Hesitantly, she picks up the phone, tuning it over in her hands as she contemplates calling him.

After a few minutes, she gives in, knowing she'll sit up for another hour or two anyway until she's missed her chance to call him. She rolls her eyes at herself as she swipes through her contact list, watching as his face lights up on the screen when she taps on his name.

He picks up on the second ring, his voice alert, and she's glad she didn't wake him. "Hey," he says softly.

"Hey," she mimics, her mood lifting at the sound of his voice. "I, uh- I just…" she fumbles for an excuse.

"Wanted to hear my soothing voice?" he teases.

Yes. "No. Don't be ridiculous," she scoffs, buying herself an extra second to conjure an excuse. "I just wanted to say thanks again, Castle."

"Kate, you don't need to thank me," he says quickly. "You know I'll always be here for you when you need me." Her heart warms, and she starts picking at a piece of fluff on her doona, feeling like a schoolgirl with a crush.

"So, I was thinking I'd be at your place around eight," he continues. "That isn't too early, is it?"

She pauses for a moment. "Yeah, about that…" she starts, hesitation flooding her mind. "What about Alexis, Castle? You can't just leave her."

"She's an adult, Kate. I'm sure she'd love the loft to herself for a week."

A week? The whole week?

She doesn't have a chance to question him before he's continuing. "Besides, I've already organised accommodation for us."

"I- what? Castle, you didn't have to do that."

"Oh well, too late," he says cheekily. "Get some sleep, Kate. I'll see you in the morning."

"Castle, wait," she calls out urgently. "What have you organised?"

"Hmm… not much," he teases.

"Castle, did you not learn from the incident with Six Flags that I don't like surprises?"

"Kate, did you not learn from the incident with Six Flags that sometimes surprises are actually enjoyable?"

She clenches her jaw, more frustrated with herself that she's actually amused by his mimicry than him, and prepares her best threatening tone. "Castle," she warns. "Tell me."

"Relax, Kate," he laughs. "It's just the Hamptons. I have a home there. We can stay for as short or as long as you like. You just decide."

Right. Of course he does.

She rolls her eyes, even though he can't see it. "Fine," she concedes. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Don't forget to back a swimsuit," he jokes quickly before clicking off the line.

She doesn't know whether to groan or smile.

* * *

She's up early the following morning, long before the sun, too nervous to sleep.

Yesterday, when she had suggested he take her away, she didn't mean for a week. Maybe just for the day. Or two. Or a few. But not the entire week.

So now she's standing in her bedroom, empty suitcase lying on her bed, staring at her open closet as she tries to decide how much she needs to pack, and just how long she wants to stay away for.

In the end, she fills her suitcase to the brim with everything from singlets and bikinis, to dresses and heels. Just in case.

It isn't long before she hears the knock on her door, letting her know Castle's arrived. He's sporting a wide grin, two cups of coffee in his hands.

Smiling appreciatively as she takes the coffee (because she definitely needs it after next to no sleep last night), she takes a step back into her apartment, letting him in as she wheels her suitcase towards the door.

When she turns back to him, he's eyeing the suitcase, a small smile playing on his lips as if he knew she'd cave and end up packing for the week. She mumbles at him to shut up, but he doesn't say anything, instead just smirking at her.

"So, you ready, then?" he asks, raising an eyebrow.

She nods.

"Yeah, I'm ready, Castle," she smiles. "I'm ready to get my life back."

* * *

_As of this point, I'm undecided whether I'm going to continue this or just post the epilogue next. If I continued, would you all be interested in reading about their trip/return to the precinct? I know that I haven't completely resolved everything yet, but the epilogue does, just more briefly. But it will fit wherever, so it doesn't matter when I post it. So, I'd love you know what you all are thinking._

_Thanks again for all the lovely messages. They're amazing to read =)_


	16. Chapter 16

_Because you all are so lovely, I'm going to continue this a little longer. Let's see what I can come up with…_

* * *

**16**

She really doesn't know why he's staring at her with a baffled look that screams '_you've got to be kidding me_' when they bickered over this just a few days ago.

They're still standing on the street outside her building, her bag tucked safely in the boot next to his, and her hand outstretched as she waits for him to give her the keys so she can drive. He's clutching them tightly to his chest, though, refusing to give them up.

"Castle, I want to drive," she says stubbornly, shifting her stance to appear more threatening, but he stands his ground.

"You don't know the way," he argues.

"So direct me."

"You'll complain I'm being a backseat driver."

"Do you not trust me to drive? Is that it?"

"No! No," he blurts out quickly, but she continues.

"Because I'll have you know I'm a certified pursuit driver. Something I was trained in _before _I lost my memory."

"Kate, it's not that I don't trust you…" he trails off.

"Then what is it?"

He groans. "Honestly? You never let me drive. Ever. And so this is probably the only chance I'm ever going to get. And I know that it's mostly because your car is _technically_ a police vehicle that I'm not actually allowed to drive by law, but it's also partly due to the fact you can be a bit of a…" His lips press together as she narrows her eyes and glares at him.

"I can be a bit of a _what_?" she demands, raising an eyebrow.

"A… control freak," he finishes. She opens her mouth to protest, but he's already waving his hands in the air between them, continuing. "Kate, don't deny it. Because if you _weren't_ a control freak, we wouldn't be here right now, arguing over which one of us is going to drive. And it's not a _bad_ thing, because you wouldn't be _you_ if-"

"Castle, stop." His mouth snaps shut and he looks at her sheepishly, as if she's going to start yelling at him any moment. "You're just digging yourself into a deeper hole."

"So…"

She gives him a blank look. "So, what?"

"So, can I drive?" he asks hopefully. She rolls her eyes at him, turning away before the victorious grin she knows is coming spreads across his face.

"Ugh, fine."

* * *

They've barely driving for fifteen minutes before he sees her eyes begin to droop. He scowls, concerned about the lack of sleep she apparently received last night, but doesn't comment until she lets her head fall back against the leather headrest and close her eyes. He smiles at how relaxed she is with him, and reaches his hand across the centre console to gently squeeze her leg.

"Take a nap, Kate," he suggests. "It'll probably be a good two hours before we'll arrive." She shakes her head in protest, but he stares her down. "Honestly, Kate. You'll feel better by the time we arrive. Otherwise, you're going to spend the entire day feeling miserable."

She sighs, defeated, and her eyes flutter shut once again. "Wake me if you need anything," she says quietly before drifting off to sleep within seconds.

He mumbles a reply and flicks the radio off, letting her sleep in peace.

Long car trip with no music and no one to talk to?

Boring.

But worth the week they're going to spend together when they arrive?

Definitely.

* * *

It's just under two hours later when the car rolls slowly through the gates and pulls up outside his beachfront home. Turning off the ignition, a quick glance over at Kate's sleeping figure lets him know she's stirring, the slowing of the car waking her. "Here?" she mumbles, running the back of her hand across her eyelids, rubbing away the traces of sleep.

"Yeah. You alright?"

She nods sleepily as she unbuckles her seatbelt before jumping out of the SUV and stretching her hands high over her head, waking up her body. He stares shamelessly, raking his eyes over her still fully-clothed body and wondering how he's _ever_ going to survive the week until he realises she's staring at him, an eyebrow raised. He shrugs sheepishly before quickly following her exit and busying himself with their bags, shaking off her protests to help him with the excuse of '_you're_ _the guest_'.

Leading the way, he somehow manages to open the door with both his hands full before dropping their bags at the bottom of the stairs and throwing his arms out towards the view of the beach spread out in front of them. "Welcome to the Hamptons," he says cheerily.

Her eyes widen at the sight, a smile playing on her lips. "You definitely did _not_ oversell this place. It's amazing," she whispers breathlessly, admiring the view for a moment longer before turning to him. "Thank you for bringing me here, Castle."

He grins. "Make yourself at home. I'm just going to take these bags upstairs." He throws a thumb over his shoulder towards their luggage, and she nods, moving away from him towards the beachfront.

When he trots back down the stairs barely a minute later, he finds her on the patio, staring out at the ocean. "Pretty nice view, huh?" he calls out as he approaches, not wanting to startle her. Slowly, she turns towards him, her brow furrowed as if deep in thought.

"Have I been here before?" she asks quietly, tilting her head to look at him curiously.

"Uh, no," he replies with a shake of head. "Why?"

"Because I feel like I have." He presses his lips together, and glances back out at the small waves of the ocean, avoiding her gaze. "Castle? What is it?"

"It's nothing," he says lightly with a smile, but she doesn't drop it.

"Castle, you're supposed to be helping me remember. So if you have something to say, just say it," she demands, frustration seeping into her tone.

"I did show you a picture of this view, once, when I invited you to come up here," he explains. "For Memorial Day, a few years ago. But you were… uh, busy."

She scrunches her face. "Not everyone gets to work from home like you. Some of us don't get long weekends off."

She moves to wrap her arms around him, as if to let him know she's only teasing, but the tense expression on his face stops her.

"What?" she asks.

He lets out a long sigh and drops his head. "You weren't working," he responds quietly after a few beats. "You were… with someone else."

She freezes, her face going blank. "Oh," she whispers. "I'm sorry."

He shakes his head at the ridiculousness of her apology. "Kate, you don't need to be sorry. Demming was… he was a nice guy." Cringing at just the idea, he turns away slowly, hoping she doesn't pick up on how forced his voice sounds. He feels her hands clasp around his arm, though, tugging him towards her.

"Castle, I _am_ sorry," she speaks honestly as she raises her palm to rest against his cheek. "For whatever happened, for however I hurt you, I'm sorry."

He forces a smile onto his face, and tries to return to his happier state of mind from earlier, pushing thoughts of Demming and that summer from his mind. "You're here now, and that's all that matters."

* * *

Demming.

She can't get his name out of her head. Something about Castle's story isn't sitting right, and she's been thinking about it all day.

Castle knows something is up with her- that much she's noticed. She's been unusually quiet (even for her) all day as she tries to place a memory to the name. But she hasn't let on to what's bothering her, not wanting to bring up an (apparent) ex-boyfriend when Castle's around, instead hoping he attributes her strange behaviour to the recent events surrounding her mother's case.

It's not until after dinner when she finally has a moment alone, excusing herself to freshen up. Practically darting up the stairs, she hurriedly searches through her handbag for her phone, wasting no time dialling Lanie's number.

"Lanie?" she whispers when her friend answers. "I need to ask you something."

"Why are you whispering?" Lanie whispers back.

"I… I don't want Castle to hear," she admits.

"Okay, so why am _I_ whispering?"

"I don't know."

Her friend pauses. "Oh… right."

"Lanie, focus. I don't have a lot of time," Beckett says quickly, running a hand through her hair to release some of the stress. "I need you to tell me everything you can about Demming."

"Demming?" Lanie asks, her tone suddenly high with surprise and curiosity. "Uh, what exactly do you want to know?"

Beckett squeezes her eyes shut, frustrated. "Okay, listen. Castle told me that he invited me to the Hamptons once, but I was with a guy named Demming, so I turned him down. But… I don't know. Something doesn't feel right about that story, but I can't remember."

"Kate…"

"Lanie, just _tell me_," she growls, irritated at her friend's constant need to protect her.

"He broke your heart, sweetie," Lanie says softly.

"Demming?"

There's a pause on the line before Lanie responds. "No, sweetie. Castle."

"He… what?" He broke her heart?

"Kate, Castle invited you to the Hamptons, but you were with Demming at the time. In the end, you broke up with him, so you could go with Castle."

"Castle said I've never been here before."

"You're in the _Hamptons_?" Lanie cries. "With _Castle_? Right now? And you're wasting your time on the phone with me instead of frolicking on the beach with him?"

Beckett rolls her eyes. "Yes, Lanie, I'm in the Hamptons. Can we get back to the story? What happened?"

"Kate… you didn't go with Castle. He ended up leaving with his ex-wife."

"He brought his ex-wife to the Hamptons for the weekend?" Beckett says quietly.

Lanie sighs sadly. "No. He left for the whole summer. You didn't even hear from him until you arrived at a crime scene and arrested him."

"I did _what?_"

"That's a whole other story," Lanie says dramatically. "But Kate, don't worry about this, alright? It's in the past. Years ago. It doesn't matter anymore."

"Right," she mumbles. "Yeah. Sure. Thanks, Lanie."

"Kate-"

"I've got to go," Beckett interrupts quickly, deciding she's finished with this conversation. "Bye."

The phone drops from her hand and bounces onto the bed as she squeezes her eyes shut, wrapping her arms around her body to protect herself from the realisation.

He didn't choose her. He left with Gina. For the entire summer, without so much as a text to say hello.

He didn't choose her.

God, she remembers everything now. Standing in the middle of the precinct as he walked away from her. Her friends watching from the break room as her heart was broken. No word from him all summer, as if she were just a passing fancy. And it hurts just as much now as it did then.

"Kate?" Castle's voice calls out suddenly. "Everything alright?"

She swipes at her face, trying to brush away the few tears that have started to roll down her cheeks before he finds her, but the door swings open before she can compose herself. His face drops as he takes in the sight of her, and he moves to rush across the room, but she jumps up from the bed and quickly steps backwards away from him, her hand outstretched to stop him.

"Kate?" he whispers, hurt filling his voice. "Talk to me."

She shakes her head, feelings of rejection and humiliation washing over her. "Don't," she warns. "Just… don't."

His eyes flicker down for a second, eyeing the phone on the bed. "Who called, Kate?"

"No one."

His eyes narrow. "Who did _you_ call?"

She presses her lips together, her eyes flicking down to stare at the patterns on the carpet. "Lanie," she admits.

"And what did Lanie say?" he asks carefully.

"I asked Lanie about Demming and the Hamptons. She told me how you chose your ex-wife over me."

"That's not what happened-"

"Yes, it is. I _remember_ now. You didn't want me."

"But I _did_, Kate. I did want you then. _You_ didn't want _me_."

"So, what? You just gave up on me, and decided to move onto the next girl?" she questions. "Is that all I am to you? Some passing conquest that you can trade in for a better model in a few months time?"

He looks at her sadly, and when he opens his mouth to speak, his tone is full of hurt. "Do you really think that little of me?"

She throws her hands into the air and cries out, exasperated. "I don't know what to think!"

"Kate, I am in _love_ with you. I have been waiting for you for _four years_ to be with you. I'm _not_ letting you go."

"No, Castle. You didn't wait for me, because I broke up with Demming to be with you, and you took off anyway."

* * *

He stills, blinking at her as he takes in her words. "You… what?" His voice is quiet suddenly as he reels from the new information. "You broke up with Demming _before_ I left?"

"You didn't know that?"

He shakes his head. "I thought you broke up some time over the summer."

"Still doesn't make it okay, Castle," she whispers, her eyes flicking down.

"Kate, I didn't _know_," he insists, moving to take another step towards her, but her head snaps up and she takes a larger step back.

"And, what? That's supposed to make it _okay_? Okay that you ran off with another woman instead of waiting for me?"

"Well, if you hadn't been so intent on pushing me away every chance you got, maybe I would have realised you just needed a little more time."

He knows it's the wrong thing to say the moment the words leave his mouth. Her nostrils flare, and rage turns her cheeks red. "So this is _my_ fault?" She yells, pointing to her chest.

"That's not what I'm saying," he growls. "I'm saying this isn't _anyone's_ fault."

"It's always _someone's_ fault," she says sadly.

"Kate, why does this even matter? This was years ago," he presses. "Can't we please just forget about it?"

She stares at him in silence, contemplating her choices, before her head slowly shakes. "I think you should go," she whispers, a tear rolling down her cheek, breaking his heart.

"Kate…"

"Please, Castle," she insists, her voice strained with the effort not to break while he's still here. "I just need some space."

He sighs. "Yeah. Fine," he says bluntly before turning on his feet and exiting, pulling the door shut with a loud bang behind him, squeezing his eyes shut as he stands in the hallway, heart aching in his chest.

This is not how he pictured tonight going at all.

* * *

_Hopefully I stop being super slack with updates and get another one out soon. Fingers crossed._


	17. Chapter 17

**17**

She wakes suddenly in the dark of the night, startled by a dream that's not really a dream, but rather a memory. She darts up in the bed, fisting her hands in the empty sheets beside her as she tries to slow her heart rate.

It was the memory of a case involving 'Triple Killer'. All she knew was that he had resurfaced sometime within the past few years, and, for some reason, had taken Castle. And that's what had woken her- the absolute dread she had felt low in her stomach when she had kicked down the door at some seedy highway motel, completely unsure of what she was going to find on the either side.

The need for him overwhelms her. The throws back the quilt and slips out of the sheets, padding barefoot across the room. Tiptoeing down the hallway, she peeks her head into the living room, the reading room, the study, but he's nowhere to be found.

She frowns, a thought crossing her mind. She told him to leave. She told him to go because she needed space. He wouldn't have… he wouldn't have _left_, would he? Left her here in the Hamptons alone?

Panic floods her. _What has she done?_ Racing back up the stairs, she's about to dart back into the room and grab her cell to call him when she notices a door is ajar. She leans her body against the frame as the door creeks open, and she lets out a long sigh of relief when she steps into the room.

He's asleep. He's still here. He didn't leave.

Carefully so as not to wake him, she slips beneath the covers, easing herself down onto the mattress beside him. But he stirs, rolling over to face her, peering through one half-open eyelid.

"You never came to bed," she whispers, reaching a hand out for him, curling her fingers around his arm. Tears spring to her eyes, blurring her vision as she desperately fights them.

"You said you wanted space."

"I want you."

He groans, and drags his hands down his face with frustration. "You need to stop sending me mixed signals, Kate," he says quietly. "I understand this is hard for you, okay. I get that. I _do_. But this is hard for me too."

"I'm sorry," she breathes, a tear rolling down her cheek. "I'm sorry that I'm making this so difficult. I'm sorry that I'm hurting you. I'm sorry I didn't trust you enough to come to you, and that I went behind your back and called Lanie. And, I'm sorry that I yelled at you. You didn't deserve that at all."

"I'm just scared, Kate," he says honestly, his voice breaking. "I've only seen you that mad twice before. And after both times, we were through. I didn't know what was happening."

"It just… it _hurt_. Knowing that you picked someone else over me _hurts_."

"Kate, I don't want to argue anymore. Especially about this, because it makes me _sick_ thinking about the two of you."

Another traitorous tear falls down her cheek, wetting the pillow beneath her head. "That's exactly how I feel."

"Then why don't we just forget about it and move on?" he suggests, dangling an arm over her waist. "Focus on the fact that you're here with me _right now_."

She nods, sending him a small smile. "Yeah. Okay." Rolling closer to him until she's pressing up against him, she hooks one leg over his waist and flips herself onto him, lying down on his chest, straddling him, as she begins peppering kisses along his jaw.

"Wh-what are you doing?"

She smiles as she inches herself up him to press her lips to his. "Make up sex, Castle," she mumbles in between kisses. "Catch up."

"Mmm… I like your thinking, Detective."

* * *

It's still early when she wakes for the second time, the sun only just beginning to filter in through the cracks in the blinds. A quick glance at the clock lets her know it's just gone on six o'clock, and if she doesn't wake Castle now, it will be hours before he's up.

But the boyish look he has on his sleeping face is too precious to disturb, so she instead decides she may as well go for a run and leave him sleeping in peace. It's been far too long since she's had a good workout.

He stirs as she slips out of his arms, though, peering sleepily at her through fluttering eyelids. "What time is it?" he mumbles groggily.

"Six," she whispers. "Go back to sleep."

"Where are you going?"

"For a run," she answers. "Sleep, Castle."

His grip on her tightens. "Why don't you just stay in bed?"

She fights a grin as she rolls her eyes. "I'll be gone an hour at most. I'm sure you can survive." He groans, wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her closer to him. "How about I wake you when I'm ready for a shower?" she suggests, trailing a finger down his chest.

He flips them suddenly, pinning her beneath him, and lowering his lips to her neck. "Don't think I can wait."

* * *

After another round in bed, she still insists on going for a run, leaving him to sleep for a while longer as she slips on her joggers and takes off down the street. It isn't long before she's feeling the dull burn in her muscles from lack of use, but it drives her, and she pushes herself to keep going.

Glancing at her watch a half-hour later, she decides it's probably time she turn around and begin heading back towards his house. Her pace is a little slower as she jogs back through the streets, listening to the quiet chirping of birds, until she realises something.

She can't hear the ocean. When she first set off, she was listening to the crash of the waves. But now, there's nothing.

Upon reaching a crossroad, she stops, glancing in every direction. She presses her lips together, trying to stop the panic from overwhelming her.

She has absolutely no idea which direction she came from.

* * *

He lies around in bed for another half-hour, somewhere in-between consciousness, before deciding he should cook some breakfast ready for Kate when she gets back. After a quick shower to freshen up, he pads barefooted down the stairs, opening the blinds in the living room to let the morning light stream in. Rummaging through the fridge, he pulls out a stash of bacon and eggs, wasting no time throwing them into the pan.

By the time breakfast is ready, it's just past an hour since Kate left. He throws the food in the oven to keep it warm while he flicks on the espresso machine, letting it warm up. But by the time the coffee is ready and the table is set, Kate still isn't back.

Forcing himself to remain calm, he heads back upstairs to see if she took her phone, but it's still lying on the nightstand. He can't call her. Damn.

Heading back downstairs, he switches on the news to distract himself as he waits, telling himself she's fine, and it won't be long before she's walking back through the front door.

* * *

She groans as she turns down another street and doesn't recognise any of the surroundings, wishing she had chosen to run on the beach. Running in a straight line would have been no problem, but the winding streets of the Hamptons? Apparently, a big problem.

After another half-hour of jogging around to no avail, she leans against a light post, catching her breath as she contemplates her options.

She could try and find the beach, and run along it until she reaches Castle's home. But even if she _did_ somehow manage to find the beach, she would have no idea which direction to run.

No- she needs to find somewhere that's open so she can call Castle. Running around trying to remember where she came from is not doing her any good. If she can call Castle, he can pick her up.

Pushing herself off the post, she sets off again, hoping there's somewhere in the Hamptons open at seven-thirty in the morning.

* * *

Another glance at the clock tells him that Kate's been gone almost two hours now, and by now, he's in a state of panic. Thoughts rush through his mind that, somehow, _they_ are still after her, tying up loose ends even from prison, and they've somehow managed to follow her here and…

No. He can't think like that. She's fine. She's fine. She'll walk through the door any minute now.

But the hands of the clock keep ticking, and she never shows. Too anxious to sit and wait any longer, he scribbles a note to Kate (just in case she returns), grabs his keys, and jumps in the car. Wasting no time taking off, he drives around the streets closest to his house first, but it isn't long before he's broadening his search, heading further and further away in a desperate attempt to find her.

* * *

It's well over two hours since she left by the time she finds somewhere that's open- a gas station that she's sure isn't even close to the centre of town, but it will do. She breathes a sigh of relief as she walks through the sliding doors and smiles at the older woman behind the counter.

"Hi. Uh, I was wondering if you have a phone I could use?" she asks politely.

The older woman stares at her. "There's a pay phone round the back," she grumbles.

Beckett shakes her head apologetically. "I don't have any coins on me," she explains. "Can I please just borrow your phone?"

The woman rolls her eyes, but slides the phone across the counter. "Make it quick." Beckett nods, picking up the phone and stretching her fingers towards the keypad when she pauses.

She can't remember his phone number.

She grips the phone tightly in frustration, and glances back up at the woman. "Any chance you have a phone book handy?"

She grumbles, but reaches below the counter and slaps down the large book down onto the counter. Beckett smiles appreciatively- even though she's sure it's not well-received- and flicks through to the 'C's'. She finds his listing without enough ease, but there's a problem.

There's no address, and his phone number is listed as private. Of _course_.

She's about to let out a long groan when a thought strikes her- his real name. She doesn't even know where it came from, but she remembers him telling her that his real name is Richard Alexander Rodgers.

She flicks through to the 'R's', but there isn't anything listed under that name, either. She bites her lip, completely at a loss of what to do.

"Alright- who are you trying to find?" the woman asks suddenly, her tone full of suspicion.

"Excuse me?"

"Who are you looking for? I know of a lot celebrities and wealthy families that have homes here in Southampton, and if you think for one second I'm going to let you peruse this book looking for them, you have another thing coming."

"You know them?" Beckett questions, raising an eyebrow. "Listen- my name is Kate Beckett. I'm a detective with the NYPD, and I know Richard Castle- I'm staying with him at the moment- but I'm lost, okay? I have absolutely no idea how to get back. You don't happen to know his address, do you?"

The woman glares at her. "Even if I did know, I wouldn't give you his address. You crazy girls are all the same." The woman reaches for the phone book, and Beckett lets it go, but when the phone is almost snatched away, she grabs it.

"Please just let me call _someone_," she begs. "My dad. Please, just let me call my dad."

The woman hesitates for a moment before nodding. "One phone call. Keep it brief. And I'll be listening."

Beckett forces herself not to roll her eyes or lash out at the woman's behaviour, and instead quickly dials her father's number, sending a silent prayer that it hasn't changed. She listens to the quiet dial tone for six, seven, eight counts before her father finally answers.

"Jim Beckett," he greets.

"Oh- Dad. Thank god," she breathes. "Listen, I can't really talk right now, but any chance you can give me Castle's number?"

"Everything alright, Katie?" he asks. Beckett frowns at the worry in her father's tone, feeling guilty for causing it.

"Uh, yeah. I just… I'm in the Hamptons with Castle, and I went for a run, and now I'm lost. I just need you to give me his number so he can pick me up. His address isn't listed, and his phone number is private, and nobody will give me any information." She glares at the woman behind the counter.

"Okay, Katie. Hold on. Let me find it." There's silence across the line for a minute before she hears her father pick up the phone. "Found it. His number is 631-555-8926."

* * *

The loud ringing of his phone startles him, and he hasn't even pulled over by the time he's holding it to his ear. "Castle," he answers quickly, practically shouting into the phone.

"Rick?" Oh, thank god.

"Kate? Kate! Are you okay? Where are you?"

"Castle, I'm fine," she responds quietly. "But I need you to come and find me."

* * *

She's quiet as she slips into his car, her gaze low and avoiding. He reaches for her, but she pulls back. "Kate…" he starts, but she cuts him off with her small voice.

"Just take me back, Castle," she says quietly, turning her head to face out the window. He sighs, but doesn't press it, instead throwing the car into drive and pulling out of the small gas station.

It's a good fifteen minute drive before Castle's pulling up his driveway, and despite the constant glances at her he keeps stealing, Kate hasn't so much as blinked at him. Even when he switches off the ignition, she doesn't move, completely focused on some imaginary spot on the window. Slowly, he reaches a hand out to gently touch her shoulder.

"Kate?" Finally, she turns to look at him, his voice snapping her out of her trance.

"I'm sorry," she apologises quietly. "I know you must have been worried. I didn't mean-"

"Don't apologise," he interjects, shaking his head. "You don't need to. Yes, I was worried. Yes, it was bad timing. But was it your fault? Absolutely not."

"I'm still sorry," she says softly. "And thankyou." A small smile plays on her lips, and he tilts his head towards the house.

"Come on. Let's go inside," he suggests, unclipping his seatbelt and jumping from the car. He leads her back inside, and goes to head for the kitchen. "You want some breakfast?"

"I'm just going to have a shower," she calls out, making her way towards the stairs. Suddenly, she stops, turning back to face him, an eyebrow raised. "You coming?"

He doesn't need to be asked twice.

* * *

_Thoughts?_


	18. Chapter 18

**18**

"My book party for the launch of Heat Wave. Everyone went crazy trying to get an interview with the "real Nikki Heat"."

"Nope."

"NYPD Christmas Party 2010. I split my drink all over myself when you walked into the room."

"Nothing."

"Ryan's surprise party for his thirty-fifth. He almost shot everyone when he walked through the door and we all screamed at him."

"No, I don't remember this either," Kate groans. "Damn it."

They're relaxing on the lounge chairs out on the patio, sitting-side-by-side as they flip through the album Castle made for her. But after almost an hour at this with absolutely no luck, she's growing frustrated.

"It'll come back," Castle tries to reassure her, gently squeezing her knee, but her stomach sinks low inside her as dread spreads through her.

"What if it doesn't, Castle? What if I never remember? What am I supposed to do then?"

He sighs, remaining silent as he contemplates the situation. "Kate, it doesn't matter if you don't remember," he eventually says. "You're still _you_. Nothing changes that."

She slides down in her seat a little lower, letting her head drop down onto his shoulder, a small smile playing on her lips at his reassurance. "I just… I want to remember you. I hate this. I feel like- like we're not balanced properly. Do you get what I mean? You've been in this relationship for four years, and I'm just starting out."

"Kate, we're balanced perfectly," he disagrees. "Who we are hasn't changed. I'm still the child and you're the one that keeps us grounded. And this-" he points between them "-this part of our relationship is just as new to me as it is to you. I mean, you have no idea how amazing it is to actually being able to touch you without getting shot."

She laughs freely, a weight lifting from her chest. It's a strange combination- feeling both panicked and certain at the same time. But with every little step they take, a little more of the fear is erased, assuring her that this is where she's supposed to be.

"New plan," he says suddenly, snapping the album shut and placing it down on the lounge beside them. "Close your eyes. Kate, _close_ them. Okay- now, keep them closed. Kate, _don't peek_!"

She laughs at the serious expression on his face as she peeks through one half-open eyelid, but gives in to his request and shuts her eyes once again. "All right. They're closed."

"Good. Now, relax. Deep breaths in, deep breaths out."

"You better not be staring at my chest, Castle," she warns playfully.

"_Relax_, Kate," he stresses, but doesn't deny anything. "Okay. Now, I want you to think about me. It's your day off, and we're just hanging out, having fun. You got that?"

"Yeah."

"Tell me where we are."

"The Old Haunt," she blurts out, and her eyes snap open, wide with realisation. "Oh- you bought a bar, didn't you?"

He nods slowly, looking at her sheepishly. "Kinda, yeah." She chuckles.

"So… The Old Haunt," she thinks. "We went there once, after a case. You, me, the boys, and… oh- Montgomery," she finishes quietly.

He shifts in his seat at mention of their old Captain before promptly trying to change the subject. "Uh, yeah. It's not really a cop bar, but nothing beats free drinks."

"Do we go there often?"

Castle shrugs. "Some. Not much. Sometimes I go there alone to write, but after a few drinks, everything becomes a little too… hazy to concentrate."

"What else do we get up to when we aren't at the precinct?" she asks curiously.

"Other bars. Movies. Dinner. Video games, though that's mostly with the boys. You kicked our ass one too many times, so we banned you." She grins victoriously, fist-pumping into the air.

"So- what's the best case we ever worked?" she redirects the conversation.

"Where do I even begin?" he grins all-too-excitedly. "Well, there was the case with the super. This guy became a vigilante, Lone-"

"-Vengeance," Kate finishes, a bubble of laughter escaping her lips. "Yeah. I do remember that. What else?"

"Oh! We had a case where Ghost Wrangler Jack Sinclair was killed be a _demon_," he sings spookily, waving his fingers in front of her face.

"_Really_, Castle?" she says dryly, completely unamused as she pushes her hands away.

"Geez, always the sceptic, aren't you?"

"So you're telling me he actually _was_ killed by a demon?"

"Do you remember anything?" She shakes her head. "Yeah, sure. It was a demon." She opens her mouth, ready to scold him, but he's already jumping up excitedly.

"There was also the case with the vampires. Or the Mayan mummy. No, the aliens!"

Her eyes narrow suspiciously. "You're making these up, aren't you?"

"No, they're all true. Someone really _was_ killed by an alien. And, _we_ were abducted, too. It was spooky- our car just stopped working, out in the middle of _nowhere_, and all of a sudden, there was this _light_, and-"

"Castle, we weren't abducted! It was just the government," she says reproachfully.

He raises an eyebrow curiously. "Oh, yeah? The government? You sure about that?"

"_Yes_, I'm sure."

"Then prove it. Tell me what he told us at the end of the case."

"Sorry, can't do that. It's confidential. And you _know_ that." She gives his arm a hard poke with her finger, eliciting a cry from him. "Don't try and trick me into telling you things."

"See, Kate. You remember," he says softly, slinking his arm around her waist and tugging her even closer, dropping his head down to press a kiss into her hair.

* * *

Kate wakes in a state of panic again that night, heart pounding in her chest, small beads of sweat dripping down her forehead, her hands fisting the sheets in her hands as the memories flashes through her dreams, overwhelming her.

A gunfight.

A shooting, in a diner.

A freezer.

A bomb.

An airplane hangar.

A sniper.

A bank robbery.

An explosion.

Another sniper.

The river.

A woman, pressing her gun to Castle's head.

A bombing.

It's all too much.

She throws back the covers, moving to swing her legs off the bed and run, when two hands grab her, tugging her backwards until she collides with his chest. She feels a hand reach down, scooping under her knees, and he pulls her up, cradling her to his chest.

Castle.

"You don't have to be strong, Kate," he whispers into her ear, running a gentle hand through her hair. "It's me. It's just me. I'm here."

She fists her hands in his shirt, reassuring herself that he's here, as silent tears streaking down her cheeks until she cries herself back to sleep in his arms.

* * *

"Time to get up, Kate! Got to start the day," Castle says overly-cheerfully as he flicks on the lights, brightness flooding the room.

"Ugh… what time is it?" she groans, rolling over so her face presses into the pillow, blocking out the artificial lights above them.

"Five," he responds, eliciting another long groan from her. "Wake up, Kate. It's our last day here, and we still have loads to do." She feels the mattress sink beside her with his weight before he reaches underneath her stomach, scooping her up and rolling her over.

"Castle, what are you _doing_?"

"Well, you seemed a little reluctant to get out of bed, so I thought I'd give you a hand."

She blinks at him as her eyes adjust to the light, running a hand through her hair. "_Why_ have you woken me up at five in the morning?"

"Sunrise, of course," he says as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"I'm more of a sunset girl," she mumbles sleepily, snuggling back into the sheets, her eyes fluttering shut.

"Yes, but sunset isn't until tonight."

"That's the point. Don't have to be up early." She's almost slipped back into a slumber when the sheets are ripped from her body, exposing her to the crisp morning air. She shoots up immediately, grasping for the sheets, for _anything_ to cover her when she see's the grin on his face.

He looks so excited, like a child at Christmas. She can't disappoint him.

"Alright, Castle. You've convinced me," she concedes, slowly pushing herself up off the mattress. "Can I at least get some coffee?"

"Coming right up. Why don't you get dressed? And make sure you grab a jacket- it's still a little cool."

She bites back the retort that's ready on the tip of her tongue as she throws a leg off the bed, slowly getting to unsteady feet. Through bleary eyes, she goes through the motions of dressing and washing her face until Castle is calling from downstairs for her to hurry up.

He's still sporting the grin on his face when she stumbles down the stairs, but at least he's holding a mug full of steaming coffee in his outstretched hands. She takes it from him gratefully, following him out onto the beach until he finds a spot deemed worthy enough for them to sit down.

"Castle, I just…" she starts quietly as they wait for the sunrise, "I want to thank you for this past week. You've helped me relax, and I think that's why I've been able to remember so much. And I know they weren't all great memories, and there's still so much I don't know but just knowing a lot more makes it so much easier. I'm finally starting to feel like myself again."

He wraps an arm around her waist, drawing her body into his until they're pressed side-by-side. "You don't need to thank me for that, Kate."

"I do, though," she insists, reaching one hand up to splay her fingers across his cheek, turning his head towards her. "I want you to know how much I appreciate everything you've done for me. I don't know how I can ever thank you."

"I love you, Kate. As long as you're here, that's all I need." Her heart skips a beat at his words, and she stretches up to press her lips softly to his.

"I love you too," she whispers as they break away.

* * *

If he didn't know it before this moment, he certainly knows it now.

He's going to marry her someday.

Soon, because the adoration sparkling in her eyes as she looks up at him is impossible to resist.

He can't wipe the smile off his face as he brings his lips back down to meet hers, his mind full of thoughts of rings and weddings and children and the life they're going to spend together.

* * *

_Sorry for the wait. Been working on something else, involving an island in the Caribbean =) It's under my profile now, if you want to check it out. I'd love to know what you think =)_


	19. Chapter 19

**Epilogue**

Castle wakes to the morning sunlight streaming through the windows, a smile already on his face before he even sees the woman lying next to him. He rolls over slowly, difficultly, the bitter winter weather chilling his bones, locking up his joints.

As always, she's lying beside him, her eyes open as she watches him, having already been woken by the ever-busy traffic outside. Kate smiles sweetly at him, raising a hand to his face as she covers the small distance between them to press a morning kiss to his lips.

"Happy birthday," he whispers as they break away.

"Another year older," she whispers in return, but there's no sorrow to her voice, just acceptance and content.

"Hmm, you are getting old, now, aren't you?" he comments, a small smirk playing on his lips.

"Not as old as you."

"Hey!"

"You know it's true," she shrugs innocently. "Have you forgotten how many candles were on your last birthday cake? Because forgetfulness is another sign of age, you know."

Castle sighs, defeated, and reaches for her hand, entwining her fingers with his as he begins to trace patterns across the back of her hands. After a few moments, he stops watching their hands, looking up at her face as his fingers continue running across the back of her hand. Bad idea, because his finger catches on her wedding band and completely ruins the gentle rhythm he had going on.

But he smiles to himself as he readjusts the ring on her finger, because he still can't believe it. He never thought he'd be this lucky.

Kate never fully regained her memory. The trip they had taken to the Hamptons after Gates exposed the men behind her mother's case had helped. When they arrived back to the city, her memory had begun returning fast at first, as if the plug had been removed. But after another couple of weeks it slowed to almost a standstill.

Bits and pieces returned sporadically throughout the years, though. Sometimes, it was a flash of something as they were walking down the street. Other times, Kate would be talking and something would just slip out. And then there was the time she remembered their first night together, whilst they were… ah, otherwise occupied.

But he can live with last few memories that had seemed to escape her mind forever, because she loves him. And she agreed to spend the rest of her life with him.

Over the months that had followed her return to the twelfth precinct, Kate readjusted surprisingly smoothly into her old lifestyle. Well, to an extent. The precinct remained the same, her relationship with the boys was as it always had been, but she couldn't seem to detach herself from him. He had become the constant in her life, and she depended on him like she hadn't ever needed anyone before.

They ended up living together long before the summer was over.

It was also undeniable that she was more open than before. Warmer. He loved it. Even with the endless teasing she received from the boys (and pretty much everyone else in the precinct), she didn't bother hiding their relationship. Instead (and much to Gates' displeasure) he'd often find her pressing up against him in the break room, or resting her hand on his knee as they studied her murder board. Of course, she still had to remind him to be professional more often than not, turning down his suggestions to '_meet him in the supply closet_'.

Their relationship definitely hadn't been smooth sailing, though. Their first serious fight had sprung from the time Kate had lunch with Demming, and had neglected to tell him about it. The detective had been helping out on a case- Esposito's request- when Castle had been out of town for a few days, and so he didn't know anything until his daughter had spilt the beans due to growing concerns for her father.

And then there was the time when a photo of Castle browsing for an "engagement ring" had been printed on page six. The fact that he was only purchasing a necklace for Alexis' birthday didn't matter to Kate, as all hell had broken loose. But it wasn't long before Kate's real reasoning had slipped out mid-argument, and Kate went from shouting '_I can't believe you were looking at rings_' to '_I can't believe you _weren't_ looking at rings_'.

That was when he had given her the ring he'd bought two weeks before, and it had been sitting on her finger ever since.

Yeah, he definitely is the luckiest man ever.

He leans over to press a soft kiss to her cheek, holding her close, brushing a whisper of silver hair off her face as he whispers lovingly in her ear.

"Happy eightieth birthday, Kate."

* * *

_So, that's it. I want to thank everyone who's been following this story. There's over 600 of you subscribed- can you believe it? Because I can't. And an extra big thanks goes out to everyone who ever reviewed, because they've been the absolute highlight._

_Final thoughts? Would love to hear them =)_

_And did I mention I'm on twitter now? - Kellis_World_

_Kelli_


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